Anger Cycle?

[Crow]

I've been in therapy a really long time and T thinks I have about two more years left of trauma work. T and I have established a great relationship. It took over a decade for me to trust her. We've been working on attachment stuff and parts and all that early childhood stuff that is so hard. I trust her more than anyone I have had in my life and I can say anything to her these days without feeling embarrassed or shamed.

Two weeks ago I went into session the day before I was going on a solo vacation and it went to hell. I got incensed with her for no obvious reason. I mean I was furious. Felt like I was five years in the past just sitting there stewing and refusing to say anything. In my head I was making plans to never see her again and deflecting everything she was saying.

After I left her office, she called me but my phone was still on silence and I didn't see/hear her call. We finally connected later in the evening. I was 'coming back' into my body and she spent a good 30 minutes talking to me. I don't remember much just that I told her it felt like the session had happened in the past and that I was really angry at her. She helped me get more grounded and things were left in a good space....or as good as they could be.

Yesterday I spent 75 minutes talking about my trip and then we did some basic body work. It was only in the last 15 minutes I felt really myself and present. I asked if we could do a shorter session later in the week to talk about the weirdness of the last session. She kept using the term 'lost child' work and asked me if that phrase resonated. I said it fell pretty flat. She said we'd come up with another term.

Thing is, this is a pattern I have with any relationship. Personal, social, work, volunteer, therapeutic. I had seen T for various reasons for just a few minutes four days in a row of the week before. That daily connection really ignited something in me. Warnings to get away and things weren't safe. I've been single for 15 years since my partner died and I have no friends I speak or see daily or even weekly. I work from home 4 out of 5 days each week. So that familiarity of seeing T four days in a row sparked a huge protective response that is still in play. I would really like to date and build community but this is why I don't. This response is mean and abusive to others. I make them into the bad guy and I'm pretty skilled at actually bending perceptions to match my stance. I don't like this about me. I'm at a loss as to how to approach it to change. When it happens, I become someone else - totally stuck in survival.

I'm hoping to at least be able to speak this all out in therapy. And I'm sure T will have a way to work with it. But I wanted to check to see if anyone has been stuck here and gotten through it. What does that even look like?

 

[BlueOrange]

I've had similar stuff, and about a year with my T (pretty recently) where I was very disagreeable in dealing with him. Hindsight tells me that I was working through my difficulties dealing with authority figures, and needing to experiment my way towards expressing unhappiness with things that important people are doing.

So my guess is that you've got some anger that you've avoided feeling, because if you allowed yourself to feel it, it'd destroy the relationship. Except that your relationship with your T is strong enough that it survived those feelings, and all the stuff that comes attached to them. If your pattern is like mine, the next cycle will take less time, and be slightly easier to handle. Well done!

 

[Crow]

Thanks @BlueOrange . That gives me hope. It's weird how every time I get to a wall it feels insurmountable. Even though I've scaled dozens before that were probably higher and more treacherous.

 

[Friday]

I don't like this about me. I'm at a loss as to how to approach it to change. When it happens, I become someone else - totally stuck in survival

My experience is that anything I don't like about myself, I can either change or repurpose, so it is something I like & is useful. Not a perceptive shift, but a reality shift.

It sounds like you're already approaching it to change.

You sourced it.
You recognized it.
You pulled out of it.
You're facing it.

There will be a lot more of that. Along with interrupting it, redirecting it, recognizing sooner, recovering faster, etc.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Why do you feel the need to make others the bad guy? Is there something that is stopping you from looking further into the reasons behind it??? And why the need to bend perceptions to match your stance?

 

[Bloomy]

Think your doing great work first of all.

I read somewhere something about that trauma survivors can get stuck in a period of their life that they unconsciensly replay later.
Myself I feel Im stuck in teenager phase. When Im grounded and "normal" adult its not a problem, but I can feel in certain situations how this teenager Bloomy shows up and act as she was was 15 - 16 years old all over again. Lost child give som resonance to me i this context. I think I managed to hold on during childhood, but somewhere in my teens I lost my self. Guess that is why Im sometimes on a replay cause there is issues to be solved.

Sorry if this wasnt relevant or didnt give meaning to you.

 

[GrayOwl]

@Friday.
That was put very simply and accurately in my opinion. It describes my thoughts quite concisely.
I would not minimalize this either. It sounds like a deeply buried safety mechanism that your mind pulls out when you feel closeness toward somebody, "warning" you to keep your distance elst you get hurt or damaged again.
Awareness, decision, direction, and change. All happening here, just steer it down positive avenues.
I suggest caution as you go as it may wreak havoc on emotions when triggered. But as was already stated, gets better with time and effort.
My wishes for healing.
I wrestle with same, but at least try to keep the affects within the visible spectrum today - much easier than being blindsided when it is triggered, and easier to work on.
I've found that when a normally close friend or advisor says something that makes the hair on the back of my neck go up in an anger response, more often than not it is what you have described - I am going into triggered mode - and I have taught myself to look at internal causes first rather than reacting outwardly toward them. In most cases I have found it was me.

 

[Suzetig]

I'm finding that more and more - if I'm having an extreme reaction to something the chances are it's me being triggered in some way. I sometimes still have the reaction anyway but knowing it's not really about the "thing" helps me fix things afterwards.

I too really struggle with closeness in relationships, every time something shifts, I see danger and react accordingly. I do see improvements in that I now recognise what's happening - I just need to catch it before I react badly. Part of the problem is that I don't know how I "reasonably" express anger, upset or disappointment so I easily trigger myself.

 

[Crow]

I totally related @Suzetig. @Bloomy so very relevant. Thank you. And also to you @Friday and @GrayOwl .
It's amazing to me how the early attachment trauma is actually the core trauma even in lieu of years of molestation, neglect, and rape. Those fundamental relational building blocks are such a challenge to fill in.

 

[Crow]

I just looked up the term "Lost Child" because T has used it several times in the past month or so. She's all into archetypes so I figured it was a standard psychotherapeutic archetype. Yep. And it fits me to a "T" :)

https://louisebehiel.com/the-third-role-the-lost-child/