I've begun journaling recently, because I think it's *that special time* again where I'm ready to dig down and do some work. I don't really have a choice, when I think about my symptoms. I feel like I'm learning so much all over again, and I wonder when I just get to be "normal" again. I've gotten better this time, though, I'm beginning to accept this is a lifelong thing I'll have to deal with. The medications are working really well for my symptoms; keeping my adrenaline at bay, so I don't have the cluster**** that comes with that lovely little hormone. However, I've noticed that by not being distracted by my physical symptoms, I was foolish in thinking those were the only aspect of my disorder, "my plague", as I affectionately call it.
I do have emotional/psychological issues going on, and if I want to have a normal life, and live among society, and be free of isolating, I'm going to have to work on them. They've been brought to the fore, but they feel so..."forgotten", if you will. I'm going to call it a trigger (I know there's some debate as what qualifies as a trigger/versus stressor, but I'm just going to roll with "trigger" given the response I've had to it.), but recently I was in a position to where I felt. I actually felt. For someone who's normally numb, this is an unpleasant jolt of electricity through the body. It's why I've gone on a new regime of medications to control this crazy response my body has had.
This leaves only one thing, now: the emotional damage, the bane of my existence. I far prefer to feel numb, versus feeling at all. Those songs that sing about feeling pain is better than not feeling at all? I disagree with them wholeheartedly. I've noticed my usual cynical, sarcastic wit has become anger. Not throw things across the room and break things kind of anger, just anger. The outlet is usually dryly thrown at people in my life. I've noticed this about myself recently, and I don't like it. I realize it's from repressing feelings, stuffing them really well, so I've set up the necessary tasks in motion to begin some trauma work. I don't want to treat people that way, it's not who I am. I feel embarrassed more than anything else. I hate that feeling, too. I'm so used to "caring from a distance", if that makes sense. Caring from a detached place. I don't like this feeling garbage.
I really need a job, so I have something productive to do during the day and I have some more balance in my life. I know that will help. Well, thanks for listening to me, and I look hopefully forward to anyone who can relate.
I do have emotional/psychological issues going on, and if I want to have a normal life, and live among society, and be free of isolating, I'm going to have to work on them. They've been brought to the fore, but they feel so..."forgotten", if you will. I'm going to call it a trigger (I know there's some debate as what qualifies as a trigger/versus stressor, but I'm just going to roll with "trigger" given the response I've had to it.), but recently I was in a position to where I felt. I actually felt. For someone who's normally numb, this is an unpleasant jolt of electricity through the body. It's why I've gone on a new regime of medications to control this crazy response my body has had.
This leaves only one thing, now: the emotional damage, the bane of my existence. I far prefer to feel numb, versus feeling at all. Those songs that sing about feeling pain is better than not feeling at all? I disagree with them wholeheartedly. I've noticed my usual cynical, sarcastic wit has become anger. Not throw things across the room and break things kind of anger, just anger. The outlet is usually dryly thrown at people in my life. I've noticed this about myself recently, and I don't like it. I realize it's from repressing feelings, stuffing them really well, so I've set up the necessary tasks in motion to begin some trauma work. I don't want to treat people that way, it's not who I am. I feel embarrassed more than anything else. I hate that feeling, too. I'm so used to "caring from a distance", if that makes sense. Caring from a detached place. I don't like this feeling garbage.
I really need a job, so I have something productive to do during the day and I have some more balance in my life. I know that will help. Well, thanks for listening to me, and I look hopefully forward to anyone who can relate.
