Anger Vs Anxiety Vs Fear

[Bill Dickerson]

Seems to be a conundrum surrounded by an enigma. I was recently challenged by an (insert bad word here) over something totally ridiculous. Besides an adrenaline rush which is a normal reaction and rarely noticed by me I had a huge flush of anger along with it. Then came almost an overwhelming sense of fear. Fear at the level of anger. Fear that if confronted I might act out of anger in an inappropriate fashion. Fear that I might act before thinking.

The anger triggering the fear and the fear immensely adding to the anger.

I often had to place hands on people before but it was always in a controlled effort not to injure. In normal society you never touch someone especially someone you don't know. There is a buffer there in your mind that tells you it's impolite or inappropriate. I fear I no longer have that buffer. I'm sometimes afraid I might injure someone out of an exaggerated startle response or flush of adrenaline.

Seems to be a self sustaining cycle.

 

[Lionheart]

I think your fear of acting out the anger is a testament to the fact that you are in control of it. A lot of people, especially violent ones, do not worry about placing hands on others. They simply do as they feel. You on the other hand, show concern about the possibility of acting out and to me, this shows that you are in control of yourself.

I understand that there is probably a lot of anger just beneath the surface and it seems like it will erupt in an uncontrollable fashion, but you are very self-aware and this gives you more control over your responses.

 

[Srain]

I feel...felt...the anger...mine goes to self...I live in fear of hurting someone else, the consequences are more than I could ever pay, I learned that long before I ever touched anyone. Because I am unable to direct my anger where it truly belongs I have issues with stunted anger that goes in the direction of myself. This is truly sad.

Oddly, I felt the fear of hurting someone last night and just as quickly turned it on myself as I knew 'right from wrong'. Therapy is teaching me it's not wrong to be angry but I have yet to get to the point where I am clear it's okay to express it and how to express it appropriately. I am not very good in that department as I am use to taking it out on the wrong person - clearly I tend to do this all without my permission and often under the radar of my consciousness.

It was weird how yours was the first post I saw but I was still emotioning (I realize this is not a word but it's the best I can come up for how I felt) when I first signed on...so I waited to post. It was very close to home.

take good care,
peace,
rain

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I have learned a technique for old angers and it helps sometimes. It's taken from an AA type group. It's a resentment chip which is nothing more than an old poker chip. Whenever anger rises to the surface I pull the chip out of my pocket rub it as I pray for the person I'm angry at. It's difficult to continue the angry thought process while praying for someone. It seems to break that cycle. I did have to replace the chip I broke the first rubbing too hard.

I fear those unexpected scenarios. The feeling is that I will be overwhelmed. Like my chest will burst if pushed any farther. It feels like it clouds my judgement. I have difficulty remembering what was said during an incident till after the adrenaline wears off and that may be hours. I don't like the out of control feelings.

 

[Lionheart]

I really like the idea of praying for those you are angry with, but what about just stating that you feel angry?

For instance, I am angry that anger management techniques are not taught in public schools. Anger management is something a lot of us struggle with, (especially us guys), and it would be nice if we had learned from an early age what appropriate expressions of anger are and what they are not.

I was 38 years old before I was taught that it is okay to express anger and how to express it appropriately. For example instead of trying not to be angry, I can just say, "I am angry because ______(when you ignore me), I feel ______(unimportant) because I think______( you don't care about my feelings)." At least, that is the formula for direct communication. The other person might then say to me, "I care about your feelings, I just had other things on my mind and I didn't mean to ignore you"....*(problem solved).

Of course it is not always so easy, but I think you get the idea.

Because I could never express my angry feelings appropriately, I stuffed the anger until I was about to explode. If you are like me, you probably need a "cooling off period" when pumped full of adrenaline before you use a technique like direct communication.

Anyways, I hope you find something I have said to be helpful,
Peace,
LH

 

[Tinyflame]

I have fear more than anger but I can relate to the feeling of anger and then it feeling wrong, and internalizing it.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I don't think I would broad brush guys with management issues. I've worked a lot of domestics where the female was the aggressor.

Domestic abuse is a learned behavior. We learn from our parents how to deal with the surrounding world including how to express anger.

The chip helps with the thought stop process.

The I statements work well with personal relationships. I worry more about the outsider type issues.

It's what is going on between my ears that I worry about and how I deal with it.

It's difficult to use I statements with total strangers who are acting out towards you in a bizarre and unreasonable fashion for unknown personal reasons.

It would go something like this I'm sorry you are yelling at me. I'm sure you feel justified in acting in this fashion. It would help if could explain why exactly you're threatening me. I believe it may be a boundary issue. It would help if you could explain what boundary you feel I have crossed. I would feel more comfortable if you would lower your hands and step back.

When someone is being irrational and acting unhinged it's difficult to create a dialogue. They stopped listening way before the discussion.

In other words crazy people or people acting crazy don't interact well. LOL

 

[Lionheart]

I agree with you Bill!!! Crazy, irrational people would not respond well to direct communication and it would probably only escalate the problem. My "t" said for me not to argue with crazy types of people, to let them think they are right and get away from them. I don't know if that is the best advise or not or if that helps you and your situation any, but it is all I have to offer.

I can't take verbal abuse or threats very well from other people and if I can't get away from them, I would probably smack them upside their head ...so I may not be the best person to talk to about this issue. At any rate, I wish you luck.

 

[Srain]

OMG...I become the "crazy person" :(

However, I did forget the praying for them, and "I" statements...I tried using the "I" statements for a half a second last night but lost it! I don't try to reason with the guy next door because his crap has nothing to do with me he is just taking it out on me when he sees me. If I react then we will have a VERY serious issue because I won't just shout....therein lies a very very scary problem for me and my anger and PTSD....so this thread hits where it counts and this is exactly why I got so angry/fearful and upset last night.

I can handle interpersonal relationships but outsiders...I am all in...I think this what you are talking about, no? With the putting your hands on??? I have a "no holds barred" standard here, if someone gets in my space I will call the authorities but I stay out of reach as much as possible.

I really appreciate the reminders and support.

peace,
rain

 

[Bill Dickerson]

Real crazy people I have dealt with on a regular basis. They don't bother me.

I know I'm only hearing one end of the conversation they are hearing in their head and they normally aren't spiteful and mean. I also know their realty and mine just don't mesh. It's like being mad at someone because they have a broken leg. It just doesn't make sense.

I would suggest placing your neighbor in the broken leg column.

 

[Spero3]

Bill,

I have a quote I made up years ago: "Everybody's crazy, but it's the one's that don't know they're crazy that are dangerous." (Forgive me if I have already posted this somewhere on this forum). People who don't recognize their craziness are not rational, and can't be talked to in a calm, constructive manner. I understand how you feel, because I fantasize about hurting people a lot. It is disturbing at times, but I also understand where the anger comes from. So, as much as I'd like to punch someone's lights out at times, I can control it. I think your awareness is your breaking system. But, I also understand the "what if" feeling when you wonder if some day you won't hurt someone.

And, you are right about it not always being men who have serious anger. I am a woman, and my anger comes from the fact that my mother (an very, very angry person) abused me and my sisters and my dad.

Spero

 

[Mercy]

HM_M Anger that generates strong fear which in turn produces more stronger anger. "Seems to be a conundrum surrounded by an enigma."

That describes PTSD responses well. I've been thinking about the new pet scans which show that the survival brain sets off the cascade of biochemical compounds like adrenaline long before our thinking brain has noticed there is a problem. That was a relief to me because I thought I was punishing myself with flashbacks.

Bill, can you remember times when you were very angry when you were young? Maybe there is a trigger or some triggers there that might set off that cascade. I think that the sooner you recognize indirect triggers in a safe place, you can let that old anger out. I don't know if journaling will help you see patterns and links at the basic level.

I'm pretty impressed that you have been looking for ways to handle your anger and that you can even think while you are angry. Maybe, fear is your 'guardian' to prevent you from acting on your anger. If that is true, it's amazing and very good. Sometimes, we get presents wrapped in sorrow or fear, only to open the package and find the blessing that maybe you had put aside.

Maybe it goes; Anger,= High fear, High anger,= begets self-restraint. Good job!!!