My mother chose to give birth to me, despite my extremely abusive father. They weren't together, but of course I was forced to visit him. Some of my earliest memories are of him describing exactly how he was going to kill my mom and kidnap me. And the courts demanded that I kept going, because I was three years old, and terrified that speaking in court meant that he would actually do it.
My mother chose to give birth to me, despite not being able to maintain a safe, stable environment for me to grow up in. When I was born, she was still in college. One of her male classmates decided it would be funny to dangle a three year old over the banister at the top of a staircase, with a tile floor waiting at the bottom. My mother was right there, and did nothing. He didn't drop me, but he definitely made sure I knew that I was expendable and on my own.
Soon after not graduating college because of the constant death threats from my father (that the courts dismissed as 'normal anger'), we moved into a women's shelter. Then we moved to California. Why? Because my mom's new abuser was there and waiting. And despite the fact that he had a house and a Jag, we lived in a women's shelter. And within two years? Another baby.
The three of us lived in a one bedroom apartment once my mom was "on her feet." Then came the parade of boyfriends, all hell bend on insulting and humiliating me for any reason they could find. She even invited my sister's dad in with us when he lost his house to his cocaine habit.
I was molested for years by an older boy with a black belt, despite both of our mothers being trained mandatory reporters. Later, I was raped by a gang member, mostly because I had never been taught how to take care of myself.
When I asked my mom about why she chose to have me, all she said was that she wanted me. I think that sums things up pretty nicely: She wanted someone that had no choice but to love her unconditionally, who couldn't complain about her stupid choices. And once I was too old for that, she had another one. She wanted me, but never once thought about what her life was going to do to me. Never considered that the extreme instability was going to have an effect. Never once considered that she was going to pass down the dysfunctions that she was so angry about receiving from her parents.
I'm angry, I'm resentful, an I wish I was never born.
My mother chose to give birth to me, despite not being able to maintain a safe, stable environment for me to grow up in. When I was born, she was still in college. One of her male classmates decided it would be funny to dangle a three year old over the banister at the top of a staircase, with a tile floor waiting at the bottom. My mother was right there, and did nothing. He didn't drop me, but he definitely made sure I knew that I was expendable and on my own.
Soon after not graduating college because of the constant death threats from my father (that the courts dismissed as 'normal anger'), we moved into a women's shelter. Then we moved to California. Why? Because my mom's new abuser was there and waiting. And despite the fact that he had a house and a Jag, we lived in a women's shelter. And within two years? Another baby.
The three of us lived in a one bedroom apartment once my mom was "on her feet." Then came the parade of boyfriends, all hell bend on insulting and humiliating me for any reason they could find. She even invited my sister's dad in with us when he lost his house to his cocaine habit.
I was molested for years by an older boy with a black belt, despite both of our mothers being trained mandatory reporters. Later, I was raped by a gang member, mostly because I had never been taught how to take care of myself.
When I asked my mom about why she chose to have me, all she said was that she wanted me. I think that sums things up pretty nicely: She wanted someone that had no choice but to love her unconditionally, who couldn't complain about her stupid choices. And once I was too old for that, she had another one. She wanted me, but never once thought about what her life was going to do to me. Never considered that the extreme instability was going to have an effect. Never once considered that she was going to pass down the dysfunctions that she was so angry about receiving from her parents.
I'm angry, I'm resentful, an I wish I was never born.
