Angry At My Mother Can I Ever Resolve This

[kman99]

I feel like I've been hurt by people when I was much younger and now I can't have healthy relationships. My mother was often very hurtful to me (unintentionally maybe but still) by putting me down and yelling at me for insignificant things and things I couldn't control. Then when I had problems she acted like they were all my problems were my fault not hers.

She is a counselor and said to talk to her more so we can be on the same page but when I tried she just dismissed my feelings and said that me being angry was me lacking confidence and had nothing to do with the way she talks to me. Or she yells and then cries and acts like the victim when anyone yells at her back. Even my father says he can't really talk to her about serious stuff because of this. Should I even bother trying to talk to her?

 

[intothelight]

Hi Kman99,

Those are tough questions. Probably would be best to set boundaries before engaging in conversation. When people are so emotionally out of control they start yelling, nothing productive can be gained.

I am sure there are some articles on here that would help you. You also might want to search some different threads for information.

Personally, that type of interaction shuts me down, so I don't engage in it. I'll just walk away.

I hope you find the information you are looking for.

Debbie

 

[Ga5bby]

I totally get where you are coming from. My mother has a really hard time voicing her feelings and just yells the second she is upset. Even if it has nothing to do with me, she yells at me. And then cries when I point out that she does it and blames me... It a vicious cycle. I try to just be quiet and let her have her time. It may not help me. But I find that engaging in an argument with her only makes me feel guilty later.

She doesn't get what I'm going through emotionally. Even though, she experienced the trauma with me. Sometimes when I really need to talk to her, I ask her to put on her kid gloves and candy coat everything she says. This sometimes works, other times, not so much. I say, as long as it may be beneficial to you, keep trying.

 

[rpgamber]

My mom doesn't do the yelling, but definately the crying and acting the victim. She also does a lot of putting down. I know that she had it hard earlier in life, her first husband was very abusive, and also sterile. he wanted children so he made her be with his best friend until she got pregnant... with me. She loves me, I know she does, but I know that I remind her of a time when things weren't so great. My whole life I have never been skinny enough, smart enough, good enough in her eyes.

I have just learned, over time, to not say anything more than "how's the weather" and "pass the potatoes". It is extreme, but I don't like seeing my mom hurting, and I have some pretty serious issues with guilt, so that is my safety net with her. She doesn't cross over into my side, I don't cross over into hers.

My therapist said that if that is what works for me to keep doing it. I don't need to baby my mother, but I don't need to cut her out of my life either.

I hope you can find your happy medium, a place where you can be happy without having to worry about this as much.

 

[Heather]

I was over at my mothers house the other day and noticed on the side of the refrigerator that she has pictures of my niece and nephew covering most of the fridge. She had a lot of my daughter too. Then I noticed that she still had the pictures of my sister and her husband (the one that sexually assaulted me) with my niece and nephew hanging there just seeing those pictures there infuriated me. I wanted to rip them down so bad! I found monkey magnets and covered his face. It sickens me that she keeps those pictures up.

It's things like this that make me want to take a baseball bat and smash her face in. She doesn't want to deal with anythig that has to do with reality. I hate her. Really hate her.

My therapist asked me if my anger toward my mom had lessened at all? I don't think so.