Childhood Angry With My Mom Who Has Been Dead For 11 Yrs. For Defending My Molester.

[Afraidtochoke]

My step-brother molested me from ages 6-10 yrs. old. At the time I didn't realize it was abuse and didn't fight it until one day he rubbed my feces on my leg.

My middle school counselor asked me a series of questions about him and child protective services and cops were called immediately. My step-brother was arrested and put in jail for one night. My mom told me to lie to the authorities then bailed him out that night for 5K.

My mom blames me for the molestation claiming it was my fault I entered his room etc... This happened 20 yrs. ago and I'm still angry with my mom even more than my step brother for defending him.

I feel the rage is affecting my daily life and my inability to keep long term friends/jobs etc...

Maybe I'm just using this as an excuse for not being successful.

 

[Fadeaway]

Trust me, you aren't using it as an excuse. The effects are very real. That would be the same as someone who lost their legs due to someone else harming them, and people saying it is an excuse for not walking.

 

[Afraidtochoke]

Thank you! I don't understand how a mother can not defend her only child. My step-dad was verbally abusive/yelling and broke/threw objects around the house. My mom picked my step-dad and step-brother over me. I feel worthless and blame her for not being able to have any close friends.

 

[Powder]

In reading your post and story, I felt while reading that you glossed over the fact that (at age 10?) you obeyed your mom and lied to the authorities, to get him out of jail.

In my opinion, you are not angry at her, but rather at yourself for listening to her, for putting his freedom over yours, and for your part in that event's unfolding.

You need to realize how powerful obedience is ingrained in children and in everyone (see Stanley Milgrim's famous "shocking" experiment). You are not to blame, nor do I blame you at all, for obedience.

I suggest that you work on processing this event in therapy and give it the attention it deserves. Something in your life is signifying that this event still is affecting you on some level, and it's important to your next steps.

You've already taken steps, which is great, and you should feel proud of how you are already processing this traumatic event. There is no need to carry false guilt nor to experience the unhappiness of secondary anger from it, or whatever is feeding it, which you will hopefully soon discover. I wish you well. I can relate to much of what you said.

Muse

 

[Deleted member 38242]

I am doing this to myself. It's not an excuse. I feel like the worlds biggest piece of poo sometimes. I am on disability because Jobs put me in a nut ward due to untreated PTSD, and misdiagnosis (always put on wrong drug cocktail) which is common. I was told to lie, and not get anyone in trouble from 4 on. It was deeply imbedded in my psyche not to tell, and I suffered from it. The re-victimization after a trauma of being shut down and treated like you don't matter, or it didn't happen hurts worse I think. Had I gotten help I would have been successful, but it's to late now I feel. My abusers flourished, and I was systematically held down. It hurts, but I'm trying to say screw em, and make my own life now as an adult, but I wish I could get my time back. That thinking can make me so depressed I get suicidal though. I made friends with people in my area, and no one is as hard on me as I am. My family that hurt me all had a better life than me, but after 18 it was stalkers outside of my home that made sure I would be tortured in this life forever. I am now getting help, and part of it is this forum. Your not alone, and it's not your fault. Please know it's not your fault. Good therapist are hard to come by. I'm still looking. Prozac is supposed to help with the anger PTSD causes. I'm trying it this week. I have no other choice. "Anger leads to hate: hate leads to suffering: suffering leads to the dark side" as Yoda said.
But sometimes anger let's you know you love yourself enough to see the wrong in others, and she was wrong. I get it your not alone.

 

[Fadeaway]

I was forced to lie to protect my uncle. My grandmother coached me on what to tell my Dr. Trust me, if I didn't things would have been so much worse.

You need to realize how powerful obedience is ingrained in children

It sure is. Those experiments and several like them are terrifying. Not so much the results, but that they were done at all.

 

[desiderata310]

Thank you! I don't understand how a mother can not defend her only child. My step-dad was verbally abusive/yelling and broke/threw objects around the house. My mom picked my step-dad and step-brother over me.

please please please, do not think I am in any way defending your mother. Ok?

THIS statement above however makes me think of the years I was married to my abuser. He was verbally abusive to the kids. There were honestly times that I was so worn down that I simply couldn't take on another fight right then and I didn't protect them like I should have or sometimes just remained silent because I couldn't deal with it right then. I had been physically, verbally and sexually beat down.

All I'm saying is
1. cut YOURSElf some slack. You re not a piece of poo.
2. is it POSSIBLE that your mom was in a similar situation?

 

[Fadeaway]

I forgot to add that I have a strong belief that being an only child adds to how we are affected by it. A lot of studies are done on children with siblings, but I think in cases of only children it adds a different dynamic. You are an only without parents? So am I. I am waiting for my husband to bring home pain meds so I can hopefully crash, but feel free to PM me.

 

[desiderata310]

I'd also like to add that I beat myself up every f*cking day because I didn't shield them from him better. I beat myself up for staying in that situation. It's one thing to do it to me. I was something else to do it to my kids.

 

[Afraidtochoke]

I've been to therapy while in college and the therapist was unprofessional which didn't help much.
I hold grudges towards people and easily snap. I blame my anxiety and panic attacks on my mom. My mom had severe panic attacks when her husband would yell, throw and break things. I had to call the cops on him twice as a child because he was going crazy and of course my mom defended him.

 

[Fadeaway]

@desiderata310 :hug: That must be hell feeling that kind of guilt. all the strongest women still can only handle so much at a time.

 

[desiderata310]

My mom had severe panic attacks when her husband would yell, throw and break things. I had to call the cops on him twice as a child because he was going crazy and of course my mom defended him.

My kids never called the cops but yeah. I can relate. I froze. I would just stop: moving, breathing, thinking.
PTSD is a bitch.
Stockholm syndrome is a bitch.
DV is a real f*cking bitch.
being stuck in it and powerless as a kid? yeah. the worst.