Childhood Angry With My Mom Who Has Been Dead For 11 Yrs. For Defending My Molester.

[desiderata310]

ll the strongest women still can only handle so much at a time.

I'm better than that. I'm smarter than that. I shouldn't have let it happen.

That however, is for my diary not for Afraidtochoke's post. Sorry to derail.

 

[Afraidtochoke]

@desiderata310 did you love this man or was fearful to leave? When I confronted my mom about my step-dad she'd surprisingly ask "What did he do to you?!"

 

[Deleted member 39333]

Sexual abuse or any kind of assault is never your fault. You were a child. You were powerless on every level, and you have every right to be angry. You just need to learn how to deal with your anger so that it doesn't destroy you. I was abused for 6 years by a family member, and no one ever helped me. I understand exactly how you feel. My abuse is 40 years "behind me" but it is still Right. Here. Now.

 

[Afraidtochoke]

@Lynn49 Thank you! I sometimes blame myself for the abuse..."How could I be so stupid?! We would hide the sexual stuff (watching porn in the living rm) from people in the house...My mom asked me "Why didn't you bite his penis? Or scream?" She didn't understand it's a grooming process. I wanted to be like my step-brother and idolized him before I discovered this was wrong.
I'm sorry to hear about your abuse. *Hugs*

 

[desiderata310]

Both. I was both afraid of him and I love him. Very confusing.

 

[Afraidtochoke]

@desiderata310 My mom was afraid of my step-dad and thought if she leaved him he'd kill her. I never saw him get physical with her but he did threaten to kill me after I yelled at him. She wasn't dependent on him so no reason for her to stay. I think she was just afraid of growing old alone.

 

[FireSign8]

I still live with the reality that my abusers went on to abuse others in the family & they forced me to babysit their children & we all did some vile stuff to each other when the grown-ups were gone or just in the other room getting drunk. My Mother said I was a liar when I tried to tell her what happened to me. I learned to keep my mouth shut & became a very disruptive & deviant child. It took me a lot of years to realize that I was NEVER the problem. The adults were a mess & they got old & sick & died that way.

I vowed never to pass this bad behavior onto my child & I was successful. So successful, that the kid is most likely never going to have a kid of her own! Maybe my brutal honesty caused her a new kind of trauma! At least she was never sexually violated or abused as a child on my watch. She says no one ever messed with her when she was in the care of her Father.

I was able to talk to my Mother prior to her death (I cut her off for almost 5 years without a call or a card) & she told me how she was sexually abused by her own brother and no one helped her. So, I have to guess a lot of the old immigrant families who came over to America to escape persecution were dealing with a lot of secretive stuff in those days. Add the war & a repressive society & little education about alcoholism & PTSD & I now have a better UNDERSTANDING of those abusers. It still does not change the fact that I was abused & I went on to abuse others. As a child & as an adult to other adults. I & I alone must live with the things I did. Therapy helped me to see it & I stopped. I can only hope the others were as lucky as I was & they got some help to deal with their own abuse too. I lost all contact with them & will never know how this affected any of them.