Sufferer Another Holiday And Birthday Spent Alone

[ArcadeClash]

Well, like most people here, my story is a long and complicated one. About 3 years ago I made the choice to move out of my home city and to a smaller place to try and start over. I have had very little contact with my family in about 10 years due to a long history of violence, abuse and mistreatment mainly on the behalf of my parents. I am now about to turn 29 and feel like I'm coming to a turning point. 2 years ago I made the decision to go back to school and basically cut off my family (is it possible to be more estranged from family that was already estranged from you?) so that I could work on myself, try to work through my C-PTSD and anxiety and depression issues. Its been a long and lonely road and the more I distance myself the better things get. Here and there my sister will contact me and update me somewhat on family matters...but I can tell things have changed between us. When we talk I can tell there is a unspoken mistrust on both sides as she informs me of the family asking questions about me and saying "oh yeah, they still love you and care about you". Yet I hear nothing but silence from them and its been this way for 5+ years now.

Everyday I get up in the morning, work, work out with kettlebells and do yoga. Though it helps me, I still feel this gaping wound still bleeding heavily through all of this. The wound starts to heal and then someone contacts me again and its like ripping the stitches out and starting over again.
It hurts so much and I feel like they have no idea how much. I struggle daily with suicidal thoughts and perfectionism..as I've somehow got the idea in my head that if I am successful that they will love me and accept me. Ugh, so silly. Yet its what I do. I feel a sense of accomplishment as I've been offered scholarships and made Honor Roll at my local college but I hear nothing from my family..and though i know its silly and juvenile..I find myself still wanting them in my life. But I know that all they will do is hurt me. And now I prepare myself for another Christmas spent alone and yet another birthday...and I just wonder if I can do this for another year. Please help me. I feel like I will never find unconditional love and I'm at the end of my rope.

 

[Renestel]

OH ArcadeClash, I wish I could give you a hug right now. You are me in college give or take a couple details. I SO feel for you. Good for you for coming on here, talking your piece, seeking advice or just blowing crap out to get it out of you. Family can be so messy. While I would say the best avenue to go is going to therapy, it takes a couple tries to find a good fit unique to you but believe me, it's worth the fight. I've been going for two years now that my mind has allowed me to remember my child molestation and me begging my mom to help and she wouldn't. For years from 2000-present every single holiday meeting would end up in me yelling at her or finding myself SO mad at her. I think through counseling someone good can teach you how to take things in steps, it sounds like unless you at least voice your painto your family you wont be at peace. The hard part which a good therapist will tell you, is you will have to be ready for it not to be as fully embraced as you might hope. BUT, with therapy, I've learned that just voicing everything to my mom helped me come to a peace with myself. Speaking that pain is speaking up for yourself. Whatever they do with it is their crap. You protect YOU right now. You need to take this holiday to become your own best friend. Buy yourself a wonderful present and put it under the tree and say love me. Cheesy? NO. Critical. You have to learn to love yourself or all these symptoms will not get any better-They will cycle. The need for approval, the perfectionism, the feeling of emptiness. It took me many years to realize its because I wasn't loving myself. When you love yourself, you protect yourself, you support yourself even when completely alone, even when estranged from family (I was) and in time after all that work-you become a phoenix. I know you can do this!! I LOVE that you are at the gym, now just get some mental gym going and you will feel much better - :inlove:

 

[hodge]

It really sounds like you are doing all the right things for yourself. Congratulations on making the Honor Roll!!!!

A hard thing I had to learn was to not expect support from my family. But I learned to make friends who did support me. Making friends with a few older women really helped me, as I needed a mother figure in my life. As it turned out, I got more than a couple mother figures, who really helped. My own mother wasn't up to the job, but others were. I pray the same for you. I'm 53 now, and all those older women friends, teachers, and therapists probably saved my life.

I know how much it hurts when your family can't give you what you need. It's not a silly or juvenile need. It's real. But there are a lot of good people out there who can help support you. I'm sure you will find some of them on this forum. There are a good number of older women like me here who know what it's like. Take care and keep on keeping on. I know it hurts a lot of the time, but you're doing good! Sending you a :hug: if that's okay.

 

[Bloomy]

I guess we want to have family in our life. Its normal I assume. A family that care and nurture for us that is. Part of going no contact is to acknolwedge that our family is not capabe of such. I think you can find unconditional love. From others then your family. I had similar situation like you in your age. Had contact with sister. I broke it at last when she said I should be more thoughtful of mommy dearest and attend to her (she never attended to me).
The first years of no contact is the hardest. I think its great that you take care of your sellf as to the gym and and that you accomplished the offered scholarship and Honour roll at local college. You are brave. You are intelligent. You can create yourself a the good life that you deserve.
When it comes to christmas that is coming up now Ive made my own traditons. Maybe its an idea for you too? I dont have all the christmas things at home, but just make it cozy and seize as a time of the year to realx from al daily life task and to contemplate over the year that has past. Enjoy good food. Books. Movies. Also use it for long runs in the forest and to enjoy training more then other days of the year since Its holliday.
I sign Renestel above here and send you warm and supportive thoughts.

 

[hodge]

Also, it's okay to not answer the phone or emails. I often don't pick up when my mother calls or emails till the next day or whenever I feel okay enough to respond.

And as far as Christmas . . . you don't have to be alone. I'll be here, as it's just me and my hubby this year, and we're always together anyway, lol. So I will be logged in in case you want to chat.

 

[Bloomy]

Ill also be here aroud the holidays as I refer christmas as if you need t chat. And yes to the part that Hodge says that we dont have to answer to anyone that calls. It can be a relive to know. To get distance to be able to work on your self and not get things ripped open tie after time.

 

[Renestel]

Great advice everyone-I too won't be speaking with my family on Christmas Day, it's a healthy choice. You're not alone AC!

 

[ArcadeClash]

OH ArcadeClash, I wish I could give you a hug right now. You are me in college give or take a couple d...

Renestel,
Thank you so much for responding. I think you're right about going to therapy. It's just hard to find time with my schedule but I guess you make time for what's important, right? I understand where you're coming from about the anger towards your mother. I feel like that a lot of the time and have a hard time dealing with it... since I don't communicate with my family. It just festers.
You're right about protecting myself, too. It's just hard because I feel selfish...my sister has 3 kids and another on the way. It's like I want to be there for them but at what cost. You know?
Thank you for sharing your thoughts! You're right...healing takes time. One step each day we are all closer to having some sense of peace. At least I hope so!

 

[ArcadeClash]

It really sounds like you are doing all the right things for yourself. Congratulations on making the Honor...

Hodge,
Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post :). And thank you for the congratulations! That's very sweet of you.
I'm glad that you found some peace in finding older women to fill that void for you. I hope I can find the same thing at some point. Just find it difficult to trust women a lot of the time. It's weird how that kind of thing effects you in the long term.
So glad you responded, though, it gives me great hope :). Thank you!

 

[ArcadeClash]

I guess we want to have family in our life. Its normal I assume. A family that care and nurture for us t...

Bloomy,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I think you're right about finding unconditional love outside of family...it's just hard I think because we are so conditioned into thinking there is no one else out there that can love you like your family can. I shudder to think that's true lol after my own experiences, as I'm sure you do, too. Your situation with your sister at that time sounds a lot like mine and I fear we are getting closer to the point of becoming completely estranged (like you and your sis) as we were for about 2 years after she reestablished her relationship with my mom after nearly being thrown in jail by her. I guess we must take the broken pieces of our life and put them back together in a way that makes sense and feels safe for us.
I agree that the first few years of no contact are really hard. To be honest, though, my mom had cut me off from about 17-21 before doing it again from 22 to my current 28 almost 29 years...so I've been through this before. It's weird how bad bad things resurface when you break contact again. The first time I was really a mess, this time I'm handling it a lot better. It's comforting to know that other people understand how this feels. Thank you for understanding, it really means a lot. I'm sorry for your own troubles, too. Your ideas about making Christmas a "Treat yourself" sound great. I think I will take you up on that. Again, thanks for commenting. I appreciate all of what you had to say.

 

[Bloomy]

Yes we are conditioned to belive in love in our ownn family and therefor it makes it so hard to come to terms its not so. I thought If only I were nicer, kinder, better in any and many yways mother dearest sister and the rest would show their kindness. I tought despite all the evidence of the contratry that surely it had to be so. As with you it was a long break up that started when I was teenager. I wanted to belive it could be better. I tried to change my self in hope it would help with family situation. I brought us to family counsling. I tried to change the way I talked and the way I behaved. Nothing ever helped and it got increasingly worse for every break up to return to famliy. In my situation at the age you are now it all ended in a final cresencendo that didnt leave no doubt that they where never going to be a loving nuturing family, but instead very toxic. And that my sis on top of it all said that I should try even harder made it dawn to be I would ever ever be good enough unless I deleted my self.
Thats when I figured out what you say here "we must take the broken pieces of our life and put them back together in a way that makes sense and feels safe for us" I sued them and then broke of contact and changed my last name.

Its a grieve as it should be. But since no one is literally dead it makes it harder. No grave to go and mourn for the dead ones. To shed tears over what was and never could be. I think it can be good to have some kind of a rite that resembles funeral. To bury it - them. I came to acknowledge Ill never speak with them again. It was finally over.

Its still grieve. Its natural that it is. I lost a family that even never where a real family. Just a faint resemblance of one. I mourn the loss.

And yes - what I understand they are now reunited. Even do they did terrible things to eachother like your mom with your sis. But I surely made it easier for them since Im the scapegoat. The can blame it all on me.

Im ok with it. I know what happend and what is the truth. And lastly I want to mention I did make a funeral for mommy dearest as a rite to accept that she where as dead to me as she can be.

So again I wish you all the best in healing your family wounds. Take your time for the grieve of what can not be. To grieve that you must take the broken pieces and create a life on your own.

I think you can make this. Sending more warm and supportive thoughts and wish you a blessed holiday.