Another one bites the dust

[thursday]

In 1999 I emigrated to Ireland. It was a home coming. However, I am not Irish. In Ireland I felt save and at ease. In my home country I was a totally different person. Introvert, unable to keep a job and nearly constantly living in a kind of dream world.
In Ireland this continued. I had created this world from the first grade of the secondary school, age 12.
From since kindergarden and throughout primary school I was bullied. Around the age of 11, 2 of my brothers began to visit me in my bedroom. To satisfy them sexually.
So I carried this secret with me, because one of them had said I could never tell anyone what he did to me. He could go to prison. The weird thing is that I (I have to use the word I, not you as I always do.) loved them.
I always felt like a small, quiet, stupid, slow, clumsy and useless person. i.o.w I had a low self esteem.

BTW any spellings mistakes are actually a way of creative spelling. Now we fast forward 21 years. That ff virus from China came around. It was the world upside down as we all know.
I then returned to the country I was born. As time went by, I had, actually I still have a massive relapse.
I had been to a couple of therapists in Ireland and had medication for anxiety and depression in Ireland. O and I had also difficulties in the indoor shopping centre. Being overstimulated. Yes that's right I remember now.
But here it has gotten way worse. If I only had a large bag of money, I wouldn't hasitate. But moneywise there is no way I can return to Ireland. A job? forget it A house? forget it. The prizes of rent are of the chart. And I am over 50.

 

[thursday]

No one was ever to know what happened. The things that were going on in my bedroom. When one of my brothers, R came into my room, I always held myself stiff. My legs stiff together, as tight as possible.. I didn't know what was worse, the smell or him touching me. He often rested one of his hands on my stomach, pushing on it. This has caused a lot of anxiety and today I have still big problems being touched here. It's a major problem.
I have done a recording on this part during a therapy session a few weeks ago. But not into the detail above.
I couldn't understand what's wrong with him. Couldn't he get a girlfriend? I knew this wasn't normal. What could I do? He could hold both my wrists in one hand.
I just lay there. Didn't he realize I didn't want him to touch me?

 

[thursday]

Reading a chapter in a book, with a man being accused of rape. Reading the word has become easier. There is not a scene starting in my head. That repeats its self. I am blocking it out before that can start. Speed thinking/blocking. I'm not allowing a stream of bad thought to enter my mind. But writing down the word is another thing. That is difficult, a rotten feeling in my stomach. Piss offfffffff.
Rape seed oil rape seed oil. Who the f has gotten it in his bloody head to call something rape seed oil. I'm practising with the exposure therapy, because at the therapy we don't do much I have the feeling with that. I have to talk about the things that happened to me. In detail.
My sister doesn't hear the fridges in the shop, she hears the music. This is enough for now. How do I feel? At the moment it's ok, but wait, when evening falls and it is bedtime. That will change things, or tomorrow.

 

[thursday]

I 'm an avoider. I avoid situations that might trigger me. There are days that I believe I can do something more than be at home. I venture out into the wild. Get into my car, drive on the motor way and I visit a nearby town. There must be a plan and an escape plan. Being in a shop that has narrow isles is not the place to be. Where did it go wrong today? When I entered the shop? Or was this already before? I'm trying to figure out at what point I go from green to red. I'm skipping the orange light. The fat man who touched me flipped me overboard completely. There is a comparing factor with my brother, he was fat and an alcoholic. I don't want to be pushed aside like a nobody who doesn't count.
If things continue like this I can't go anywhere anymore, that's ridiculous. There was a time a went places. I have become a hermit. No I can do more than I think I can. I could in the past. It's a rotten feeling that so many years ago 2 young men destroyed my life. Because of them, I lived and still live my life as a ffing victim. There was a period I believed I was a survivor, but I still had my dissociation technic that helped me. But there also situations when I wasn't in control of my mood swings. There were quite a lot of those mood swings and also several panic attacks. This was in my 30ties. Before I wasn't really "alive". I lived in a hidden world, kept the outside world away from me.

 

[thursday]

I haven't been on here for a while. There are 2 sites in me. I found notes from 20 years ago. I supposedly had come to a state of forgiveness. This is gone and am now again in a state of unfinished business. How come that I believed I worked true the trauma and felt I could take on the world? Did my home coming trigger me so much that I had to start the process all over again? I do it a different way now. With Imaginary Therapy. I keep saying Exposure T, but it is I.T. The hate for those rotten creatures is still so deep inside me. It scares me, I wish them the worst things that can happen to a human being. Going to hell and the worst illnesses ever know on earth. It seems I have been taken over by the devil and are maybe not better that those demons.
In the notes I give myself the blame that I put my life on hold. But who were the ones who destroyed my life in the firsts place? The god forsaken abusers.