English is not my mother tongue so please bear with me...
I find it scary to start writing here but I do think it probably is a good thing and there seem to be so many warm and understanding members/co-sufferers here. So I will try to "Break the ice... surpass my fears and introduce myself". I really want to get better and don't know what to do anymore. I am so afraid I will destroy my children's childhood too, being this mess whole the time.
My story in short; I was diagnosed with ptsd 5 years ago and dd a couple of months back, have gone through different traumas. Sexually abused as a child, during two "periods"; first by some friends of my mother when I was 3-5, later I was raped several times by an uncle, was 6 or 7 when that started. There was other physical and psychological abuse too, and I spent much of my childhood alone, being the only child and my mother wasn't there very often. Left home at age 15, have been living on the streets for a while, doing drugs and meeting the wrong kind of people. Got myself into many bad situations. Felt like no one cared about me and I didn't know how to ask for help (still find this extremely difficult). Anyhow I managed to finish high school and get a job and a place to live.
I then "flew" out of the country and built up a new life in a new city, with new people around me, etc. On the outside a pretty good life I think. But then another thing happened just after I gave birth to my second child, almost 6 years ago (magnitude 8 earthquake, houses collapsing, people dying, a lot of suffering, being without light/water/food for several days, etc), which was extremely frightening for me (feels really stupid that I couldn't cope with this, as "we" (my children and husband and his family) all survived and were ok). But for me it was like all the walls inside me, the ones I constructed around the traumatic memories of my childhood, collapsed too. And since then it has just been overwhelming.
I feel so ashamed writing about this. Don't think I'm as strong as most of you are here. But I really hope to get there one day.
I find it scary to start writing here but I do think it probably is a good thing and there seem to be so many warm and understanding members/co-sufferers here. So I will try to "Break the ice... surpass my fears and introduce myself". I really want to get better and don't know what to do anymore. I am so afraid I will destroy my children's childhood too, being this mess whole the time.
My story in short; I was diagnosed with ptsd 5 years ago and dd a couple of months back, have gone through different traumas. Sexually abused as a child, during two "periods"; first by some friends of my mother when I was 3-5, later I was raped several times by an uncle, was 6 or 7 when that started. There was other physical and psychological abuse too, and I spent much of my childhood alone, being the only child and my mother wasn't there very often. Left home at age 15, have been living on the streets for a while, doing drugs and meeting the wrong kind of people. Got myself into many bad situations. Felt like no one cared about me and I didn't know how to ask for help (still find this extremely difficult). Anyhow I managed to finish high school and get a job and a place to live.
I then "flew" out of the country and built up a new life in a new city, with new people around me, etc. On the outside a pretty good life I think. But then another thing happened just after I gave birth to my second child, almost 6 years ago (magnitude 8 earthquake, houses collapsing, people dying, a lot of suffering, being without light/water/food for several days, etc), which was extremely frightening for me (feels really stupid that I couldn't cope with this, as "we" (my children and husband and his family) all survived and were ok). But for me it was like all the walls inside me, the ones I constructed around the traumatic memories of my childhood, collapsed too. And since then it has just been overwhelming.
I feel so ashamed writing about this. Don't think I'm as strong as most of you are here. But I really hope to get there one day.
