Another Step Closer

[Avebem]

For quite sometime, I've been dealing with thoughts of suicide. I've beat myself before and it worried me. I was beating myself in the head and went further and blackened my eye pretty good.

I've sat there with pistol in hand and pills and glass of water in hand time after time. I ball my eyes out at times and sometimes I just zone out.

I've told my counselor this to an extent. She knows what's going on. She can't do anything more than what she is already doing.

I've been to inpatient care which where I am at, they call it "2P". It's a great place in all seriousness. You are protected from the world and are protected from yourself. I just can't go back for a few reasons. Last time I was there I couldn't see my stepson and he means the world to me. So my visit was a bit painful but I was at peace. I could sleep and I could eat normally. I was fresh on new meds too so that helped. Those meds ended up being bad for me in a serious way. I had to come off of them. The other reason is I am low on paid time off. If I go back I will have to go with out pay. That will destroy me financially. I'm trying to sell my house that is being rented so I can have a cushion. I'd go back to 2P right now if I could.

I'm worried because each time I contemplate suiicide, I get a step closer and closer. I don't want to be that story where someone shows all the signs, asks for help, and seeks treatment but nothing could stop the person. I'm currently working on my stressor statement and hope to be better evaluated.

It makes me feel weak and selfish to ask for evaluation. I am worried I'm going to not be able to work in time as my ptsd seems to be getting worse over time. I don't want my family to suffer more because of my issues.

Any thoughts on this would be great. I'm looking for different perspectives.

 

[Zizoh]

My first thoughts, there is nothing good that will become of these suicide intentions. I'm sure you've heard all the same stories before.

No, for an inpatient program. If you need this (and you do from the way it sounds) then you need to consider it before all other things. YOU NEED TO FIX YOU FIRST.

As for your employment situation. If you are in the U.S. you are protected with certain programs such as FMLA which gives you 12 weeks protected time off. You may also have short term disability program available. You need to investigate this. You also have a disability which is recognized under the ADA and you can request for a legal reasonable accommodation which may get you the ability to get into a treatment program etc.

Lastly, file a claim. Get into the VA if you haven't already. Why is it selfish in asking for an evaluation? You have PTSD and it's made you depressed. It's getting worse and you need it.

Good luck, we're here to help.

 

[Kero]

Thank you for replying.

I have had people close to me commit suicide. I see how selfish it may appear to others. I also am learning the pain that I can see pushes someone to commit suicide. I anticipate it getting to that point but I'm not there yet. But yet I can't determine where that point is at where it is too late.

So I am considering an inpatient program. I have to get some things in order first along with some research.

I will get on my claim.

I appreciate you for reading the post and giving advice. Thanks.

My first thoughts, there is nothing good that will become of these suicide intentions. I'm sure you've heard all the same stories before.

No, for an inpatient program. If you need this (and you do from the way it sounds) then you need to consider it before all other things. YOU NEED TO FIX YOU FIRST.

As for your employment situation. If you are in the U.S. you are protected with certain programs such as FMLA which gives you 12 weeks protected time off. You may also have short term disability program available. You need to investigate this. You also have a disability which is recognized under the ADA and you can request for a legal reasonable accommodation which may get you the ability to get into a treatment program etc.

Lastly, file a claim. Get into the VA if you haven't already. Why is it selfish in asking for an evaluation? You have PTSD and it's made you depressed. It's getting worse and you need it.

Good luck, we're here to help.

 

[Kuvuf]

Suicide is viewed as a selfish act by selfish people. Focus on you and you only for now. Try not to think about the other suicides that have affected you. Stay positive about things. Hard to do and sounds stupid I know. But the only way to conquer time is to conquer time. Learn to let your mind go blank and fill it with good things, a vacation you took, a smile from your step son, a walk in a lush park with friends.

And never feel as though you are a burden to anyone. You have a right to be here, to have a happy life, to enjoy this earth. Take hold of it. Own it as you do yourself.

Ask for help. If you don't know how, and many don't, find out how. It's easy. Can you help me?

You will make it.

 

[Pajiju]

Take it a day at a time. I often think of suicide, multiple times a dat

 

[Ased]

Take it a day at a time. I often think of suicide, multiple times a day the only reason I don't is because of the ones closest to me and what I mean to them and how it would tear my family apart.
Point being is I understand and that you should do and focus on whatever it takes to keep you living. It's worth it.