Anxiety Destroying Relationship

[Mtmockler]

I have a fiance who has so much anxiety I feel it eating at my tolerance. I know nothing happens overnight but it's getting so much harder to handle his ptsd. It's mingled with bi polar and he's been diagnosed with hyper vigilance so his brain NEVER stops ana lying everything to death.

His hyper vigilance let's him read people and have a bit of scary power to usually say the right thing at the right time and people then end up doing whatever hevwants. We were not sure if for a moment he does that to me, but we figured probably not. But sometimes I feel bullied. With moods with yelling with saying 'forget it.' When I try to say I feel this way or that way he says I always make him the bad guy. Then every time we disagree I have to apologize. He says its what he used to do to try and resolve things, but every single time it's because I'm dumb? Because I'm stupid and no one taught me better?
He gets paranoid, he needs "reassurances" I'm not hiding anything. I got mad and I overreacted when he said I was taking a selfie for him and he said it looked like I purposefully blocked out the backgroynd. He couldn't hear it hurt. Just me making him the bad guy. All these things, and he says I have shady behavior as f*ck. Yeah, I'm actually used to keeping stuff from folks cause it's my nature. But my phone is open and he will actively get pissed because I didn't text how mad I (the fiance) is about my ex being late to pick up our daughter for his weekends
He's so paranoid. I can't go with my friend to go play d N d at a game store because guys will hit on me. That'll I'll just end up uncomfortable. He doesn't get men even talking to me makes me uncomfortable because HE will be mad.

There's so much anger. I feel so much responsibility. It hurts. I feel so much anxiety myself. I loved him because I could be myself and no judgment now it feels like everything is judged. Everything effects his ptsd. He's always right no one else can be. It's my fault because I coddled it, I fed this monster. I let him be this way where he gets his way.
I feel if we saw a professional, if the person disagrees, he'll walk out and nothing will be fixrd, and then I'm the bad guy for suggesting it.

I want this to work. I do. I just need help. I need to know how to talk. If you have ptsd relating to males being sexually abused, being abused as a child, i may be able to use your example to let him know his pain has been worked with. And it would have to be severe to actually convince him someone sees eye to eye.
I need to know how to combat the anxiety that drives him to so much rage.

 

[xraydave]

i have a similar sexual abuse case, with ptsd. the case is being currently investigated. so i may be able to help, as an 'example' as you wanted.

It's a bit difficult to know exactly what is happening with your situation, but from what i read, i think he is yelling at you, and then justifying this yelling by saying it was 'how i was treated'? That doesn't sound anything like what I do consciously as a PTSD sufferer.
Rather this sounds like his bipolar diagnosis, and purely his grandiosity. i know this because i've been abused by personality disorder sufferers who also have grandiose beliefs about themselves. they get into that same attitude of mental/psychological abuse against me, and usually it sounds, very circular, and not based in reality or on any true evidence.

I differentiate myself from their Psychological abuses in one way:

When I yell at people, i fall into a dissociative-like state, and it's like i'm not inside my body. Sometimes, or most of the time, it starts with a compulsion (anxiety-relieving or self-soothing behaviour), but usually it's like someone who washes his hands one too many times, i'm doing it, but i know that it's wrong, and if i don't this terrible soul-crushing feeling will drill me on the inside if i don't continue doing what i think is right (the 'yelling' the 'hitting' etc). generally what i think is 'right' in these situations , are just old traumas being associated and reenacted in novel ways, like, yelling or trying to 'teach' someone, just as my abusers tried to teach or convince me of something. it's not helpful, and i feel even more guilty that i've done, it when i have an episode, all i can do in the end is run away and lock myself and cry.

"my phone is open and he will actively get pissed because I didn't text". This is paranoia, and if he keeps blaming his PTSD for stuff like this that I cannot relate to at all, then he is going to really mess up his relationships with people on his own.

if he is trying to justify himself as this flawless human being because he cannot accept that there may be some deficiency in his behaviours, then it is purely him, not you, who is to blame. i would reconsider the option of spending the entirety of my life and redistribution of possession and legal entitlements between yourself and him - it's just crazy, what marriage really means.
If you give him a break to deal with his problems, you can come back to him later. I know you won't listen to me, but there is always that option.

i never knew someone could get diagnosed with 'hypervigilance' does he have a bipolar diagnosis alongside his PTSD diagnosis?

 

[Mtmockler]

Not officially. He tries to hide things from professionals when it comes to drugs. His sister went insane and tried to kill herself on them, so he's afraid he might break too and do something stupid.

 

[xraydave]

I know this from experience, a yell could turn into a punch, a punch could turn into an injury, or a more severe injury like PTSD. Maybe he will attack the people you love, like your children. if he is already going into a state where he invades your rights to self-autonomy, and attacks your self-esteem, then it could get worse.

We tend to positively reinforce these things with time, especially with our 'i need help' type of stuff. Turn that 'i need help' thought, more into 'he needs help', then it becomes more of an accurate and productive thought. if you don't, then the problem will have every reason to persist.

 

[xraydave]

Not officially. He tries to hide things from professionals when it comes to drugs. His sister went ins...

You should consider getting him a diagnosis. To me, it sounds very much like a Personality Disorder/Abuse situation that is going on and affecting you and him. It does sound like bipolar disorder as well, because of its grandiosity.

This is a lot like what my parents are going through to this day. My mum has an anxiety disorder, mainly due to my dad's NPD. (Narcissistic abuse). Not saying he has the exact same disorder, but that they both share grandiosity alongside other symptoms.

Anyway, we tend to place our feelings of infidelity on others, when we might be concealing those thoughts ourselves (it's psychological projection and a defence) .

Just try not to blame yourself. Getting a diagnosis, means you will expose his problems to professional help, and it can only get better from there. it cannot get worse.

 

[Mtmockler]

Ive just been through like 30 websites. Freaking text book case of grandiosity it seems. This has been helpful. I can only hope he'll listen

 

[Friday]

To me this is reading far more like abuse than PTSD.

Not saying he doesn't have PTSD, but there are so many red flags for abusive relationship in your post I could ski down it.

The biggest and most prevalent one that you're not only already blaming yourself for the way he treats you, but actively trying to change how he treats you by changing your behavior. I can't go here, he'll get mad. I can't say this, or he'll get mad. I have to do that, or he'll get mad.

I can't//or he will... = really, really dangerous ground.

I have PTSD (from combat). Anxiety & Hypervigilence in spades. I also have a violent and explosive temper. (LOL. Not that most people IRL know that! Because inflicting my temper on other people? That's a choice. My actions are my own responsibility, not other people's. Not saying it was easy to learn self control. But it's necessary to do so, period. Even if provoked? It's my choice to act on that. No one else can "make" me do anything.). It is never anyone else's fault when I get mad, and it is never anyone else's responsibility to make or keep me happy.

I strongly urge you to read these 2 links

Link Removed

The Ptsd Cup Explanation

 

[Milo's papa]

I have a fiance who has so much anxiety I feel it eating at my tolerance. I know nothing happens overn...

Mtmockler, I'm sorry you're this predicament. my heart goes out to you.
The first question that I have is were did his PTSD come from? I didn't see anything in you post to indicate what gave him PTSD.
As far as his Bipolar Disorder (?), has he been diagnosed with it? There are a lot of meds that help stabilize the disorder really well. I know from personal experience, I was diagnosed as Bipolar over 30 years ago and with monitoring I have been able to remain stable.
The hyper-vigilance he displays is a common trait in people with PTSD that were abused by different people at different times in their lives. I see this behavior in my wife constantly. It is just something you have to get used to, and yes it takes time and work on your part.
As far as his being mean, that's all him. It has nothing to do with his PTSD, Hyper-vigilance, or his Bipolar Disorder, (unless he is exhibiting other symptoms of a full blown Manic attack) To me it sounds a little more like Schizophrenia than BD. In either case he really needs to see a Dr. and get on meds.There is nothing you can do to rid him of these behaviors. You shouldn't feel guilty as it doesn't sound like you have done anything wrong.
Stay in touch, if there is anything I can offer along the lines of support, OK.

 

[Mtmockler]

You've all been very helpful. It's things I know, but it's always different when you hear first hand from someone who's been there.