firebloodteeth
New Here
I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year after purposefully avoiding intimacy for almost 5 years. I find it difficult to trust others or allow others to be close to me. I had an abusive parent and emotionally distant parents, and experienced sexual assault when I was a teenager. I'm now 30 and function pretty well despite having PTSD, anxiety, and the now rare panic attack.
When dating someone new, my subconscious main concern is my own safety. I have just recently realized this, and I think this is true for many women who have experienced sexual assault or abuse. Most of my anxiety in the relationship revolves around my ability to trust him. Not in the way of sexual fidelity, but does he respect women? How does he perceive women? Does he view us as true equals, or only until it becomes inconvenient? And all these boil down to: will he ever hurt me?
On the conscious level I don't think he will ever physically hurt me. I was attracted to him because of how kind and respectful he was to me. He's a good guy and he's kind but completely unaware of PTSD and issues like that. He has never experienced severe anxiety. He's the type to always avoid any unpleasant thoughts. So I've never felt like opening up to him about it. I don't want to bother him with it. All he knows it that I have anxiety and have had panic attacks before. We don't go into detail.
But it has been causing problems in our relationship. For example, on one of earliest dates we went to the movies with a friend of his. While we were getting ready, I was feeling anxious. My anxiety about going into a crowd and into a movie theater was building up, but I was doing some mental exercises to talk myself down and try to have a good time. He's very extroverted and was energetic about going out, and didn't notice my anxiety at all. To be fair, I'm also great at hiding it. We meet up with his friend and he's having fun and doesn't realize a couple times when he talks over me. This adds to my anxiety, which already has my heart pounding, my breathing is restricted, and my mouth is dry. I start to feel slightly nauseous.
To make matters worse, when we are walking to the theater he is so distracted catching up with his friend that they are walking like 10 feet ahead of me. I'm short and they're both tall and I'm trying to keep up. I felt completely ignored, and then sure enough I get cat-called by some assholes across the street. He and his friend notice and stop and turn around. They make some remark to me about how the guys doing the cat-calling were dressed, but said nothing to the guys directly. I was angry that he did not speak out and defend me, and that his walking so far ahead of me left me vulnerable to be street harassed in the first place! Making some remark to me about their clothes doesn't help solve the problem of them disrespecting me and making me feel unsafe! Street harassment is not a big deal to guys who never experience it, but for me it is a huge sexual assault trigger. And it happens way to much. So at this point I am on the verge of a panic attack, and when we get into the theater motion sickness kicks in and I escape to the bathroom to have my panic attack. I threw up several times. It was awful and lasted a few minutes. But I knew I'd have to re-enter the theater and my anxiety never subsided. I don't know how but I made it through the movie, but I couldn't bring myself to make eye contact with him the entire time. I was angry and felt like I couldn't trust him or feel safe with him.
When we get back to the car he asks me if I'm upset. I have no idea how to explain any of this to him. I just said that my anxiety was very bad that night and that I really wanted to go home. When we get home he is pushing me to talk to him, which makes me close off more, and I say something about how he interrupted me and talked over me. He has no idea where any of this is coming from. We have our first fight that night, and he leaves rather than staying over as planned. His leaving brought back some pretty bad feelings of abandonment and being alone as a child. It was a bad night. He never understood exactly why I was so upset but the next morning he came to see if I was ok. He obviously cares, and we've been together ever since.
I know that if I want this to work I will have to eventually tell him, both about my PTSD and about the sexual assault. I should probably tell him about my abusive parent as well. But I have no idea how to do this, or how he will react. It just doesn't seem fair to give that burden to someone else. It is not his responsibility to protect me the way my parents never did, and so I shouldn't feel so hurt and betrayed when he fails to, right? Any advice?
When dating someone new, my subconscious main concern is my own safety. I have just recently realized this, and I think this is true for many women who have experienced sexual assault or abuse. Most of my anxiety in the relationship revolves around my ability to trust him. Not in the way of sexual fidelity, but does he respect women? How does he perceive women? Does he view us as true equals, or only until it becomes inconvenient? And all these boil down to: will he ever hurt me?
On the conscious level I don't think he will ever physically hurt me. I was attracted to him because of how kind and respectful he was to me. He's a good guy and he's kind but completely unaware of PTSD and issues like that. He has never experienced severe anxiety. He's the type to always avoid any unpleasant thoughts. So I've never felt like opening up to him about it. I don't want to bother him with it. All he knows it that I have anxiety and have had panic attacks before. We don't go into detail.
But it has been causing problems in our relationship. For example, on one of earliest dates we went to the movies with a friend of his. While we were getting ready, I was feeling anxious. My anxiety about going into a crowd and into a movie theater was building up, but I was doing some mental exercises to talk myself down and try to have a good time. He's very extroverted and was energetic about going out, and didn't notice my anxiety at all. To be fair, I'm also great at hiding it. We meet up with his friend and he's having fun and doesn't realize a couple times when he talks over me. This adds to my anxiety, which already has my heart pounding, my breathing is restricted, and my mouth is dry. I start to feel slightly nauseous.
To make matters worse, when we are walking to the theater he is so distracted catching up with his friend that they are walking like 10 feet ahead of me. I'm short and they're both tall and I'm trying to keep up. I felt completely ignored, and then sure enough I get cat-called by some assholes across the street. He and his friend notice and stop and turn around. They make some remark to me about how the guys doing the cat-calling were dressed, but said nothing to the guys directly. I was angry that he did not speak out and defend me, and that his walking so far ahead of me left me vulnerable to be street harassed in the first place! Making some remark to me about their clothes doesn't help solve the problem of them disrespecting me and making me feel unsafe! Street harassment is not a big deal to guys who never experience it, but for me it is a huge sexual assault trigger. And it happens way to much. So at this point I am on the verge of a panic attack, and when we get into the theater motion sickness kicks in and I escape to the bathroom to have my panic attack. I threw up several times. It was awful and lasted a few minutes. But I knew I'd have to re-enter the theater and my anxiety never subsided. I don't know how but I made it through the movie, but I couldn't bring myself to make eye contact with him the entire time. I was angry and felt like I couldn't trust him or feel safe with him.
When we get back to the car he asks me if I'm upset. I have no idea how to explain any of this to him. I just said that my anxiety was very bad that night and that I really wanted to go home. When we get home he is pushing me to talk to him, which makes me close off more, and I say something about how he interrupted me and talked over me. He has no idea where any of this is coming from. We have our first fight that night, and he leaves rather than staying over as planned. His leaving brought back some pretty bad feelings of abandonment and being alone as a child. It was a bad night. He never understood exactly why I was so upset but the next morning he came to see if I was ok. He obviously cares, and we've been together ever since.
I know that if I want this to work I will have to eventually tell him, both about my PTSD and about the sexual assault. I should probably tell him about my abusive parent as well. But I have no idea how to do this, or how he will react. It just doesn't seem fair to give that burden to someone else. It is not his responsibility to protect me the way my parents never did, and so I shouldn't feel so hurt and betrayed when he fails to, right? Any advice?
