Mel (Hippo256)
Bronze Member
I know what you mean. I had that too. I can't say how it would be for you two, but my boyfriend is 'happier' that he knows. Yes he finds it awful and it's tough to deal with me when I have a panick attack, seeing me in pain, not knowing where I am. But he's so glad he can help me. Especially because he really is the only one who can really help me. A psychologist can't cuddle with me or lie next to me in bed at night. And it's going so much beter since I have him. We work on things together. Seeing small improvement helps too. He knows I really appreciate his help (he can see it and I often tell him). It's tough but he often says he really loves me, so it's something you just do. Something you want to do as well and he can't abandon me if it's going worse or get a girlfriend with less problems, because he loves me. And he's so happy that it's going better with me, since we're together.
I think what I'm trying to say is, that a part of it might be his decision to make and that there might also be some small advantages. It's a decision you both need to make. And maybe at first he'll say I'm not ready and eventually he might be ready to help you with it. Or maybe help you with it in a small(er) way. My boyfriend knows everything, things nobody knows and he's the only one who really understands. Of course me telling him went in steps (more like bursts).
But he thinks it's going better for him too since he knows, because he can see links between 'strange' behaviour or thoughts and what happened in the past. Sometimes I don't know why I'm acting like that and then he can explain it to me. It helps prevent irritation and fights.
I can imagine that would be nice indeed, if someone else asks. However, most people don't notice the signs. Maybe you can 'give hints' if you're not ready to talk about it directly. I don't know how good your boyfriend is with reading people, because giving hints could help, but could also go wrong and give frustration.
Please, don't feel rushed. It can take years to tell everything. I think it could help to talk about it in big lines, if that's possible for you and you think that's good for you and your relationship too. For me it really helps to prepare things well with my boyfriend. If this happens, then we'll try doing this etc. For example with what you can do together about the street harrassment. And because of the preparation we both know what to do and that the other person can help if you can't do your part (although I have to admit I'm often not capable of that and that makes me feel guilty of course). We go to appointments together. At least the first time and then we'll see what's necessary and what he can do. This might change on the day itself (maybe I suddenly get really scared). It's really helpful and other things go better now too, because we won't let us be send away without help or an explanation. And we can make things more clear to the other person together. I hope, if necessary, you can do this too together.
Sometimes I can't stand up for myself/protect myself, can you help me with that, when, how etc.
Don't forget that you can help him too and he can share his difficulties. Maybe it's less or feels less than what he does for you, but still. It does make a difference and really matters.
You're trustworthy. Don't worry about that. That's not in question here. A lot of people feel like how you feel, about the burden and others already have their issues etc. In a relationship I think you also want to help the other, share things together etc. Together you're stronger. And in every relationship this takes time and that amount of time is different. For every person too. Sometimes you feel like you really know each other after 10 years, some after 10 days. Also depends on how much time you actually spend together and your personalities. It's good that you're thinking about it, asking about it etc. Those are the first steps I think.
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