Anxiety Re: A Lengthy Legal Process; Coping Tips From The Experienced Requested

[Gloria]

I'm so sorry DB!

When I went through my legal process which I dismissed after threats, I did so because I realized that the perps' lawyers were two of the best in the country and I was just hurting myself. I know the feeling of highs and lows. There was a point when I thought I won and I was really, really safe and the world was a good place and then things didn't pan out and I felt such a let down.

Yes, Universal justice - PLEASE prevail! May you feel safe and may justice be done!

 

[dharmaBum]

Thanks for the friendly words Gloria. I knew at the beginning this trial could go a bunch of wacky ways- for awhile I started feeling pretty attached to the "right" way I think. This outcome jump starts a deeper internalization of mindfulness for myself. I felt less anxiety when I believed he would be in prison for many years. Now I get to put myself to the test and create that absence of anxiety without the assurance of safety from him. That's hard, but it sounds like exposure therapy, and hopefully it will work.

 

[Gloria]

DB,
My therapist thinks that my going through the psychological torture of the depostiion and the whole lawsuit was exposure therapy and did me good. I agree in a way but I sure would love to have just had serenity the last few years. I am wishing you the best of luck!!
Hugs,
Gloria

 

[dharmaBum]

Of freakin course- the Supreme Court granted the appeal and remanded it to the appeals court for reconsideration. Tears and more and more and more months of waiting.

 

[Gloria]

Dear DB,
I am so sorry. But to offer a bit of hope. After my lawyer was threatened and this whole thing was over, I have never been so not depressed and so happy in my life. It won't last forever. If you need some one's shoulder to cry on and someone who understands the pain you are going through, pm me and I will give you my contact info.

It helps a lot to know that you are not the only one that has gone through this. I had a friend who had almost the same experience and when all the bad things that happened to her, happend to me, well I didn't take it so personally.
Much love and hugs,
Gloria

 

[dharmaBum]

Thank you Gloria ;)
Today the appeal prosecutor says she assumes this case will be completely retried with no hint on what the time frame will be. She said she has received no notifications from the appeals court slated to review the ruling post-Supreme Court remanding.

 

[Gloria]

Dear Dharma,
Had lunch yesterday with a woman I've known for quite some time. She is from Scotland and told me about a horrific legal case that she was involved in that lasted for years. She never spoke of it because it was so traumatic for her. Lawsuits are very stressful.

I pray that you will get a speedy resolution,
Gloria

 

[dharmaBum]

Supplemental appeals were due this week to argue why or why not other laws would permit my testimony in this case. The state filed theirs, but I can't find the document online. I'm still out of the loop in terms of information access. Now the whole appeal record has vanished from the online database. Hopefully just a glitch. At least the offender database still lists the guy as in prison.

I think as a prior victim and current witness, it is reasonable to expect to be informed of each step of the process (well-informed) and to receive copies of documents in which I am named and my testimony/assault is discussed without having to ask for them or search around online. It's frustrating that such procedures are not mandatory, especially considering that the offender receives such information automatically. I'm also super-frustrated about the decades of lies that he lived in which he slandered me in our community. I'd like to hear his testimony regarding this, but I must pay $$ for each minute of court record and I've been warned that his testimony is likely another avenue of his abuse, since he massively minimized his abuse of me and dismissed it as, "being in another frame of mind" while he was a "heavy drug user".

 

[Gloria]

I'd love to see my transcripts but couldn't afford it. Hang in there! I was greatly disappointed at how many rights the offender had and how the law didn't protect the victims from being re-traumatized.

 

[dharmaBum]

The Supreme Court appeal was granted and the case went backward through appeals courts to determine if a different specific law had been cited which would allow my testimony. It hadn't been, but it might have been approved if it were, so now the case is going backward again to a reversal of verdict and possibly a new trial. Also possibly a dismissal. It is up to the prosecutor's special sexual assault unit to decide if they want to run a new trial with my testimony under a different law, a new trial without it, or just stop.

There's an order to transport the perpetrator from prison back to jail while the courts figure out what they want to do. I have no contact with the more recent victim and imagine her family has been dealt a blow from this news. I've been dealt a blow for sure. This original trial derailed my professional plans as I struggled to stay alive in the face of overwhelming PTSD symptoms and limited care. I'm still nowhere near "back to my game" even though I am no longer having insomnia, nightmares, and flashbacks all the time.

I'm needing some comfort and understanding. A woman was sexually assaulted not far from my house a few days ago and I'm not yet "off-edge" from that and the police response- also assailant at large. I'm not yet ready to look on the bright side and am really needing to be validated over this exhaustion with some of the harder parts of life. The assault in my neighborhood is like one of my worst nightmares, and so is this never ending trial that occasionally promises justice with so many other bad outcomes for the abuse survivors even when a guilty verdict comes in.

 

[dharmaBum]

The word is official that the case will be retried from the very beginning. New testimony, new continuances, new investigative interviews if the offender ends up getting a new lawyer. I am terrified of him. I hold that fear in my heart and it hurts. I banish thoughts of court from my mind as I try to fall asleep, but the thoughts return automatically when I awaken. I am more cranky and need tons of comfort. Mostly I try not to think of what happened to me and try to go about life in the present, happy with health and freedom and love and likely the very beginnings of a baby on the way.

But what I really am is terrified. Afraid that he is somehow going to "get me." Dreading every step of the way of the upcoming trial because I've done it before and it was one of the worst WORST things in my life. I never want to do that again.

 

[dharmaBum]

It is four years since the beginning of my participation in this trial. And today, another continuance. Another month to wait just to have a hearing to set a trial date.

Some helpful things I've done to cope so far:
>Talking to my mom and telling her that a hearing was upcoming. She finally talked to me about her thoughts, which was a relief even though we have almost opposite perspectives about justice (she's a castrate them all kind of thinker and I'm more on the non-violent, meaningful support to the victim end of the spectrum). I also gave her some empathy about a rape she experienced as a child and which was never addressed criminally.

>Following the court docket closely and paying for the hearing transcript so I don't have to wait for an advocate or lawyer to get around to contacting me.

>Being free in feeling awful about the pain of lack of resolution.

>Talking to my husband and keeping him informed of the process. I'm still not super able to talk to him about my feelings. I feel overwhelmed by them.

>At four and a half months pregnant, concentrating on feeling our baby move inside me, eating healthy foods, and staying productive for the family.

I feel cranky, devastated, exhausted. I had an immediate return of feeling super-self-conscious around the other parents at my daughter's school and interpreting their lack of outgoing friendliness in the most negative way toward myself. That was a bummer. It hasn't even been 24 hours yet, so I know I will go through some changes in the next few days. My next plan is to meditate and possibly sleep in some luxurious warmth, complete a project or two at home, and get an acupuncture treatment before picking my 7 year old up after school and having dinner together.