Anxiety Re: A Lengthy Legal Process; Coping Tips From The Experienced Requested

[Gloria]

Dear Dharma,

It seems like a lifetime ago that I went through a four year lawsuit. After a few months after it was over (I didn't even win), I felt happy again. I am so happy about your upcoming baby! I use DBT and if I had it during the proceedings, I would have been better off but didnt discover it until after it was over.

Dharma, I remember the pain and the feeling that this awful lawsuit would never end. My new boyfriend is at the end of a two year divorce lawsuit and is losing everything and is so anxious about how he is going to survive with little money. I told him that he must move to my farm become my slave and work his butt off taking care of the animals and I will let him have the upstairs apartment and feed him. He laughed and didn't worry so much anymore. Things appear so much bigger when we don't know what is going to happen.

I guarantee that you will write me someday telling me that you are so happy! You are doing so well at facing people in your life and talking. Being pregnant myself, I know how easily I cried and my hormones drove me crazy so I feel for you/

Atta Girl! Way to Go!!
Much love,
Gloria

 

[dharmaBum]

What is DBT? Thank you for the support. I'm feeling pretty rough today.

I agree that even if a new guilty conviction is not accomplished, I will feel happy and more in control of my life when this trial is over. I try to think of that. I try to imagine that the trial is over and live each day that way, but there are times when the emotion related to the past victimization, decades of untreated PTSD, and current uncertainty overwhelm that Pollyanna glow!

I imagine that my struggles these days have to do with specific elements of the original 5 years of victimization as a child, the following criminal court case that was not awesome or appropriate or really justice (but was legally accurate, kind of, and more than a lot of victims get), and the lack of mental health care, despite my continual appeals for crime victims assistance as an independent 17 year old. Damn I tried hard!

Thank you again for the support. I need it today!

 

[safenow]

Believe it or not there are some VERY good people out there who happen to be lawyers for the right reason.

When I lived in California, I had a wonderful attorney. She worked her butt off for me. Makes me wish I was back there.

please remember, there are SO many people out there who are accused of crimes they genuinely did not commit.

So true. And when you have PTSD, there are times we lash out when we don't need to. But many times the guilty walk because of bad attorneys, or the laws don't cover them. Like with my father, (this was back in the 1950's.) the judge sent my step-mother to prison for what had been done, but told my father if it was in her power she would lock him up as well, but he wasn't home when she murdered my sister so she could do nothing. He wasn't allowed to see me without a chaperone, but that was no big deal, he hadn't planned on seeing me anyway. He wasn't punished for his part in the cruelty that led up to that murder, but he never was punished for it.

In my opinion, the criminals/perpetrators have more rights here (States) than the victims do. Just makes me sick. Plus if they are convicted, then end up getting out early, due to overcrowding in the jails or good behavior. Then they get out and re offend...

That getting out thing is what I'm nervous about right now. Just last year I had a stalker who let me know in detail what he planned on doing to me because I rejected him. A silly little thing. I told him I didn't want to talk to him online. I don't know the word for people like him, but he came all the way to the USA and my town and right next door looking for me. He got caught and put in jail plus got a fine of $5,000.00 for what he did. But when he gets out, I'm scared he is going to come back because of his mental condition.

Needless to say, my PTSD is bouncing me off the walls today.

I've paid attention to what you all have said, and I'm going to call my therapist and make an appointment as soon as the sun comes up and the office is open. I"m also going to get some omega 3, and contact the local victims advocate to see what can be done to protect me. Probably nothing, but it can't hurt to try. Right?

 

[dharmaBum]

safenow:

Were you awarded a personal protection order as part of the criminal sentence? It won't stop someone from coming after you, but if it is violated, it may help police arrest someone before the situation escalates and also can impact future sentencing.

Connecting with the Crime Victims' Advocacy Network in your area can help you process your fears, at least. In many areas there are support groups for crime victims which can really help to take away the isolation and "normalize" your reactions.

Speaking from my personal experience, I had a lot of fear that this rape offender I testified against would hold me responsible for his conviction and come after me, even though he was in prison. I feared that he would win his appeals and one day possibly sue me or attack me. People without this court/crime experience kept trying to tell me not to worry about it, because it was so unlikely to happen. Well, he has won his appeals and it is obvious from the appeals that he held me (not himself) responsible for his conviction. While he was being transported from prison to jail for retrial, I was kind of terrified that he would escape. I got the same hopeful reassurances, even from the prosecutor, that he wouldn't escape because he had a chance at legal freedom. That same week a different convict escaped who had only 30 days left on his sentence. Who can say why desperate criminals do the things they do?

I don't want to add to your fear, but to share that I know what it like to be afraid when that fear is warranted. So many people around me wanted me to loose my fear because they thought the potential bad future would never happen. I need to learn how to live with or loose my fear, EVEN THOUGH the potential bad future is likely or is happening. It seems like walking on coals to me.

It means the world to me to hear my counselor or occasional friend/loved one validate my fears. Because of some specifics of my case and where I live, I don't have access to any kind of group support to help me process this. It is wonderful to have my counselor understand me, but that's her job and she has to. I imagine it would feel like a paradigm shift to walk into a room with other people who have been through the criminal justice systems as victims and to feel their understanding.

I heard it for a moment on a radio show about limiting appeals for death row convicts in California. The author of the bill talked about wanting to end the suffering and uncertainty for family members of those murdered who wake up every day wondering if they will get a call telling them the case will be retried or the murderer will walk free. In some cases these are years and decades of suffering. His compassion, empathy, and understanding totally brought me to tears. It IS hard to be involved in these cases, especially given that you experienced a frightening or violent crime just to be able to join the club.

I hope you find the support you need!

 

[safenow]

a personal protection order as part of the criminal sentence

I learned the hard way, those pieces of paper do not stop bullets.

Connecting with the Crime Victims' Advocacy Network in your area can help you process your fears,

I'm going to be calling today and see what I can do. I"m home bound due to health issues. But I'm trying to set up a ride now. Thank you so much for this post. It makes me feel much better knowing that I'm not being told "don't worry", again.

This guy almost blew up my apartment before he got caught. He knew I have oxygen (at least I did back then) and set up my bedroom to catch fire during the night. If I hadn't noticed that my security setup had been dismantled, I'd be dead right now. And so would my neighbors.

I now have a different security set-up. And feel a lot safer in that respect. But I know from experience, if he wants me dead, there is not a whole lot I can do to stop him. Sorry if that triggers anyone. I don't mean to do this.

 

[dharmaBum]

Today is a pretrial hearing day in a criminal Child Rape case of which I have been (likely will continue to be) a prior-victim witness. The whole story is unsurprisingly complex and spans decades and I will not go into detail here.

Today's story is about a criminal case that has been actively prosecuted for 5 years, 4 of which I have been involved in. It went all the way through lengthy trial, conviction, sentencing, appeals, state supreme court appeals, reversal based on procedural error (due to a change in evidence laws- another lengthy and complex story), and is now back in pretrial with all new lawyers for renewed prosecution. At every step there are delays of months. Today marks 3.5 months of continuances for this pretrial hearing, the function of which I am not clear, but I think it is for setting the preliminary trial date (which will be followed by an average of 7-9 months of continuances).

Maybe by 5pm, PST, there will be a one-line update on the state's online court database that says whether or not an action has been taken or the hearing has been continued for another month. The offender, at assault a 40 yr old male accused of raping a 7 year old girl, originally plead not guilty, but recently there has been talk of negotiation and a possible plea.

I thought I could be totally detached today and go about the day as normal, but instead I am cold and shaky and have tears in my eyes just thinking about how I might feel. Dissociative symptoms are currently the most disruptive part of my PTSD diagnosis and I am 5 months pregnant. I have care, and lots of self-care, but I'm still struggling and I'm hoping that reaching out in this note can take a bit of the edge off the day.

I actually want hugs- even online hugs! I want hugs that make everything feel good and better and safe! If you've got any to spare, I'll be checking in for them.

 

[safenow]

((((( Butterfly kisses and many many safe hugs ))))

 

[dharmaBum]

Hearing continued for another month. Thanks for being here today safenow!

 

[dharmaBum]

A week away from another hearing deadline and I notice a palpable, growing dread. I am also having more memories about the years of abuse. Very specific memories that I awake with around 3 or 4 am, but I don't feel trauma-flooded with emotion, however i cannot fall back to sleep.

Perhaps the best course is to acknowledge the dread fully and then try and compartmentalize it away from my day to day. I'm 6 months pregnant, working two part-time jobs, balancing ongoing medical care for pregnancy and PTSD and trying to keep the house and the day-to-day of our 7 year old daughter running smoothly. The house is not a disaster, but it is not running smoothly.

As I fell asleep last night, my thoughts were on how my own father died suddenly from cancer when I was my daughter's age. I had already had a lifetime peppered with traumas at that point, with much more in my future. Not recognizing what had come before and that his care-taker neglect was one of the biggest insults of my early life, I wished my father had been alive to protect me from the predators in my community. Now I am afraid to send our daughter on her first sleepover at a schoolmate's house, only a few hundred yards away. Lots of deep breaths!

 

[dharmaBum]

Hearing continued again- to April 16.

I guess I am coping? I'm not dissociating, but rather feeling exhausted and dispirited. I wish that my life could move forward without the specter of this trial and this abuser in my future.

 

[dharmaBum]

Court Update: potential plea bargain

The defense has offered for the perpetrator to plead guilty to assault instead of sexual assault as charged, therefore avoiding indeterminate sentencing (in Washington state, a review board decides when, after minimum time served, a sex-offender is truly ready to be released to the community) and sex offender registration. The prosecution is trying to decide whether to accept this plea, which is estimated to be 15-18 years of prison time, with credit for the 5+ already served.

I and the other victim get to tell the prosecutor our thoughts and priorities on accepting this plea or pressing forward with prosecution under rape of a child. Yesterday was my preliminary discussion with the court advocate on these matters. In two weeks or so I will have another discussion with the prosecutor and a chance to have questions answered, such as: How can he even plead guilty to assault when he said all the way through the first trial that he was never alone with the child?

The tricky thing is that if we press forward with prosecution, a guilty verdict without confession will result in years of appeal again and the possibility of yet another retrial/dismissal. A not-guilty verdict means no more time served at all and no restrictions. If we accept the plea, he doesn't have to register as a sex offender, even though he's a confessed, convicted, and diagnosed serial pedophile with borderline personality disorder.

**

I will defer to whichever solution the primary victim and her family accept. No matter the emotional impact on myself, I will support her at trial again as a witness should I be approved via common-scheme evidence rules. If it were only my choice, I believe I would press forward with the sexual assault charge, however there are so many potential derailments and a guarantee of years of lack of resolution in the best-case scenario.

• What does it mean that he is willing to serve 15-18 years in prison for a crime he asserts he didn't commit?
• Is it better to accept that he will do some prison time and end the suffering of prosecution right now?
• What is the ultimate goal of prosecution?

When he was raping me, he, at 100 pounds heavier, would lay upon my chest causing me to expel my air and I wouldn't be able to inhale. When he would release me, it felt like relief. Accepting this plea bargain seems very similar. Even imprisoned he is able to reach for tools of excruciating torment to his victims and their families in order to afford himself the brightest future- hoping we will end the prosecution in order to end our pain.

 

[dharmaBum]

I just went to court 100 miles away with a 9 month old on my back and a two month old in my arms (via "telephonic appearance" what the prosecutor referred to as calling me on his cell phone and setting it on a desk next to a typewriter and about 1000 briefcases and chairs). The defendant plead guilty to amended charges: 2 counts of child molestation and 1 count of communication with a minor for immoral purposes, instead of 1 count of rape of a child. It's a huge difference for him, as he was already found guilty (pre-appeal) on rape of a child and sentenced virtually to life in prison as our state has an indeterminate sentence for certain classes of sex offenders and they have to prove they aren't likely to re offend to get out of prison AFTER serving the standard range sentence for their crime.

His plea does include a statement of his admission to the charges. He only admits to molestation- the state withdraws the specifics of rape. He will be sentenced within the month it sounds like. I hope to submit a victim-impact statement and would most like to be physically present to read it to the court, but I'm not sure if that will happen or is necessary. The prosecutor recommends and the defense agrees to the maximum sentence for all counts, served consecutively, which is uncommon as concurrent is often the case and was with my original case. The prosecutor wanted to find a way to get a plea and still have him incarcerated for the standard range sentence he would have received on the original charge.

She was 7 and he was 37. Those are the acts included in the charge. In our state they charge for the minimum and in his county at least, don't do separate charges for all of the acts, as they did in Ohio kidnapping case. I wish they had charged him with a count for everything he did to me. He never would have left prison.

It's too bad there's no discussion at the plea hearing. No one says, "What the? You drug us all through hell for five years saying you were not guilty- not even alone with the child ever- that the child was being used to besmirch your good name because someone had an axe to grind." No one says anything like that. They just go through tons of legalese to make sure he is intelligent enough to understand the proceedings and that he can't change his mind later, and that he hasn't been coerced. The judge even said "good luck" to him as a parting word. Too bad he's not in my county, we've got ourselves some hangin' judges that use every chance they can get to moralize and sermonize in court.