Anxiety Upon Anxiety...

[Privateer]

Here's another one of my self-indulgent threads about minor stuff, I suppose. It just...it doesn't feel minor just now, you know?

Anyway, I'm at work just now and I've been feeling pretty anxious all night, but I'd been keeping a lid on it fairly well until we got a call about a bunch of young kids lost on the coast.

So...I managed to stay all calm and professional, but I could feel the anxiety building all the time and I wasn't sure if I might, well, lose it and make a mistake that ended up killing somebody.

The kids were found safe and well very quickly, but I just had to go into the toilet and have a bid of a sob to myself for a few minutes.

The idea of losing those kids...no. Not on my watch. Not again. I found it really hard to keep calm and I'm really worried that the day might come when I can't function in my job at all.

Anyway. That's my minor nonsense for tonight. Sorry to bother you all.

 

[NarcSis]

I lost it completely on my way to a call similar to my trauma one day, had to go home sick because my head was done. I was no good to anyone in that state and the more heightened your anxiety the greater the chance of a mistake. In "our field" people die if we make a mistake.

It's time to combat the anxiety, face it, diffuse it and restore your concentration - the only other alternative is time away. Work with your therapist on de-stress/relaxation techniques.

This is not a small matter, don't beat yourself up about being human under that uniform.

 

[Shellbell]

It is not minor stuff at all. You were worried about the safety of children. I think that makes you a very caring person.

Don't feel bad about sharing this, that is what the forum is for. You're not bothering people, you are sharing your experience and it's okay to share the good as well as the bad.

It sounds like what happened is a big trigger for you and that causes a lot of anxiety and emotion. Do you have techniques to help deal with the anxiety and stressors and triggers?

I get anxiety and get angry too. I'm only at the beginning of learning strategies through therapy and it makes a difference.

 

[Fran]

I wouldn't call that minor nonsense at all. I think it's really good that you take your job so seriously. I wish I could help you with the anxiety though, it happens to me too and I don't know what to do. Crying alone keeps it at bay, but I feel really strange walking back out into the world after that, pretending that everything is normal.
Good luck.

 

[Privateer]

Thanks, guys.

I have this...thing...in my head that says I'm completely expendable and my problems are unimportant, so I'm not used to the idea that people won't be irritated at me for voicing them.

Even being at work just now is very stressful. When an actual incident starts it gets even worse.

I already blame myself for plenty. I don't want my weakness to kill anyone.

 

[NarcSis]

Critical incident stress is not weakness, it is a complicating factor in the normal processing capability of your brain - it does not reflect on the Person you are.

A wall to break down and plow through.

Learn not to negatively judge yourself. I had a really hard time not calling myself negative terms like Weak, Stupid, Faker, Burden etc etc. I based the view of myself from the perspective of the job I performed, forgetting that everyone who is human cries, gets afraid and has to take a break now and then.

Breaks my heart to see you struggling with it. Be gentler on yourself.

We're here for you.

 

[Privateer]

Thankyou. I just feel so guilty all the time, I'm not sure I could stand to add more. I think that's what I'm most afraid of.

 

[Shellbell]

Guilt is such an all consuming, deep rooted emotion. I know - I have about things from the past and I can tell myself a million times that I was not responsible for xyz, but it still lingers there.

It's one of the things I want therapy to sort out.

 

[Privateer]

It's terrible isn't it?

I mean I feel so guilty about leaving the lads in my unit to face the joys of the 'Stan without me (for all the use I ever was, anyway) and for every person who ever went into the water and didn't come back and I feel guilty for sitting here all safe in the ops room and sending other people out to face death and disaster.

I feel guilty for not knowing the names of the people we lose. I mean, the names of their vessels or aircraft are burned into my brain, but not their names. It's really bad with individuals, you know, like swimmers or folk who fell of cliffs, as all I remember is the incident. I remember nothing of them.

They deserve better than that.

 

[Shellbell]

Privateer, I wish I could give you a big hug in real life. So I'm sending you one through cyber space ((((Privateer)))).

 

[Privateer]

Thanks.

I'm fine. Honestly. I just need to suck it up. A few deep breaths then back in the fight, y'know?

 

[NarcSis]

Suck it up is what we're taught to do, not what we need to do. You are human, all humans feel emotion, you are not machine - hell, even a machine without oil breaks down.

The job does not define who you are. There is no guilt in being what you are - you are human, you feel emotion just like everyone else. There is nothing wrong with fear, sadness, guilt, anger, frustration, happiness or grief. Do not deny these feelings, let them out and be kinder to yourself for allowing it.

If they build they will destroy you.

I fear. I get anxious. I shake. I cry. I get angry. I get frustrated. I berate myself. Most importantly, I see this process for what it is, a normal cycle that occurs in everyone. I forgive myself for berating myself for having/expressing my feelings. I learn to cope. I get stronger again.

You will learn how to do this in time. Be patient, caring and be aware of self judging statements.

You are you, no excuses, no judgements. I accept you as you are.