Anxiety Upon Anxiety...

[Privateer]

I accept you as you are.

Then you're a better man than I.

But isn't everyone?

I detest myself for being such a coward and not being in Afghanistan with my guys or at sea with the lifeboat boys. I still have to earn my place among the living and I won't do that by sitting in the ops room drinking coffee while other people fight for their lives in the dark and the cold.

 

[NarcSis]

I feel guilty for not knowing the names of the people we lose.

I've watched helplessly while hundreds died despite my efforts, I do not know their names - their names are not important, the impact they had on me is. I harbor guilt because I was made to think I was "greater than death". I was some kind of hero. I am not a hero, I am a humble person who managed to function through psychologically insulting circumstances. One day all of that repressed emotion came out and destroyed who I thought I was.

I'm still here, by the grace of whatever deity you believe in. I wanted to die for not being able to be out there with my comrades, helping, acting, doing what I loved doing. Now I'm accepting that I can still move on with my life and help in other ways. You are not a waste.

Hardest thing to do is to forgive yourself for how you feel. Examine the guilt and understand that you need to let it go. The longer you hold onto the guilt, the longer it destroys you inside. Forgive yourself for not being there with them but know you are still helping. The only one punishing you right now for not being out there is you.

 

[Privateer]

I'm sorry. I'm a mess.

It's all about ego with me, isn't it?

I'm really sorry.

 

[NarcSis]

LOL, you don't apologize to me or anyone else - you apologize to you, this is the point. We are not upset with you, you are allowed to be a mess here but we've all had to struggle to control that self hatred and self depreciating thought pattern.

We're here to help you through it, work it out and get through it, not to judge you as a person. Thinking errors, google them and work to identify when you're having them - small first steps.

(((Privateer))) You are worth a lot in this world, never forget that.

 

[Privateer]

I don't feel I deserve to be here. I don't belong in the world. I should be face down in the dust somewhere in Helmand or at the bottom of the North Sea.

That would be fair. At least then I'd have genuinely given all I could, rather than hiding from danger behind a radio.

 

[NarcSis]

I know what you're going through honest. You have to cut yourself some slack here - you'd be there if you could, but the situation is such that you're not. It really sucks and you have every right to feel bad about it but you cannot change it.

You are performing a necessary duty where you are - people depend on you and need you there whether you choose to believe it or not, otherwise the job would not exist.

Have you broached the topic of survivors guilt with your therapist?

 

[Privateer]

Yeah. She reckons a more hands-on role in the emergency services would help me a lot.

 

[james999 7/7]

Take it from a former member of the emergency services it wont help you in fact it may distrroy you completely .... well that's my own personal experience ...

Feel free to ignore me I am in a dark place right now...

I hope you find the courage to go on peace be with you and all sufferers

 

[Estacia]

It does not a anything big at all to start up an attack. What is small and or stupid to others are not to a PTSD sufferer.

 

[NarcSis]

Hands on but a step back - keep this in mind, I've seen many military medics turn to civilian duty as a step back, there you only have to worry about one life and it's the one on the stretcher. That being said its not for everyone, most leave civilian medical fields for dispatch services, Fire services or police services....again, hands on and a step back.

There is nothing wrong with looking out for number one while still effecting a rescue situation.

Get your thoughts worked out first, take care of you first because without you there can be no rescue.

I wish you peace because this roller coaster is taking a turn toward hell for me right now.

Let's ride!

 

[Privateer]

It's the fact that my job is so many steps back that causes the problems. I need to get back in harm's way, so to speak. It's where I feel most at ease. Sending other people there but not going myself is completely at odds with my entire personality.

 

[NarcSis]

I thought the same thing at first. I still feel like crap for not being out there - fact is, I'd be no good to anyone out there. Fact. No arguing it, no judging it, it just is. I don't agree with the fact, I don't like the fact, the fact is at odds with my 'personality'; but none of that beating myself up will change the FACT.

For now I am where I am taking care of number one so that maybe one day I can again have an affect on taking care of the many.

It's just a break. It's just a pause in the action. Allow it to be what it is.