Anxiety You're Not Welcome Here!

[Deleted member 6617]

from the perspective 'out here' I have to tell you I keep seeing forward movement, implemented plans, and just plain coherant thought!

Oh Lord did that make me laugh! I feel like I don't have a coherant thought in my head. Which seems confirmed by the whole rootbeer/chili fiasco! Still, I am glad someone sees progress and forward movement. I am gonna have to trust you on that one because I sure don't feel it!

Anxious about tomorrow. Attempting to go for a ride. It will be the first time since the time everything fell apart and it turned into a hurtful mess. I so want it to be a good day, a good ride, and mostly a time of rejuvinating fun with my closest friend. Tension/stress has been high and it seems to be pulling us apart. I hope the common bonds of horses, beach, and friendship will win the day! I hardly remember how to set life aside and just have fun. Boy do I need it though, and so does she!

Wish I could just make the anxiety go away...it really is not welcome! UHG....

 

[anni]

Oh MY, the ride, the beack and a horse, Pottershand. I get awfully visual, so boy, just SAW all that! I do think many of us have a huge ability to self-heal, sort of, and don't even realize it, I think. I mean, if one slices a bagel and gets some stitches because WHOOPS! ( picked that because ahem-true story,, :) ) You stick a bandaid over it, don't give it another thought because you've done what you can with stiches, neosporin and the body takes over from there, naturally. I'm not saying this whole thing can be left alone and we'll all just get better. but I do think sometimes we get attracted to stuff that helps, you know? I won't get all irritating and pendantic with putting the pieces together, but it did just strike me that wow, your love of horses, wide open spaces, the beach-counter acting some of the horrors on the other thread-well whew! Just seemed poignant, that's all-but tell me I'm full of dishwater and it's JUST a ride and I'll go away. :)

You do seem very, very good at surviving, you know. I hope it's a lovely ride-do envy that day, although just reading and visualizing it goes a long way to having one, to be sure!

Anni

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Not Just A Ride!

but it did just strike me that wow, your love of horses, wide open spaces, the beach-counter acting some of the horrors on the other thread-well whew! Just seemed poignant, that's all-but tell me I'm full of dishwater and it's JUST a ride and I'll go away. :)

No it was not JUST a ride...they never really are for me. It was fabulous today. We didn't go to the beach as planned, but went up into the forest instead. I was really anxious about going as I mentioned in my last post. I got up and took 2 xanax for anxiety because I really was kinda freaking out. I did not know what to expect and how things would be and ..... damn fear playing with my head! Anyway, things worked out good. I rode one of my friends horses because mine had thrown a shoe. We decided not to go to the beach because of time issues. We have forest service lands almost out our back door though, so we headed for the hills. There are tons of trails up there that mountain bikers and us horse people have cut over the years.

I had never ridden her horses but had been around them enough to be familiar with them. Now, I am partial to Arabs because of their spirit, so to ride a quarter horse is like going from a sports car to a comfortable sedan. At least this quarter horse was. Today he fit my mood perfect. I wanted a ride that would counter the turmoil inside. He was so smooth and calm, so willing to go and do and please. Didn't mind being loved on, in fact loved it. A solid, sure footed, steady ride. Everything I have not been feeling in my life. I could sit back and trust him to take me were I wanted to go and get me there in one piece and enjoy it too. I think I fell in love! :smile:

As much as I loved riding her horse, I loved spending time with my friend even more. We talked a lot about PTSD and how it has affected our relationship. She suffers from it too. Man can we have conflict, but somehow we work it out. The odds seem to be against us for maintaining and keeping a good friendship through this, but we both love each other enough to keep trying. It helps to go do fun stuff like ride our horses. God, I don't want PTSD to rob us of this friendship. I don't let people close, and neither does she, but we have let each other close and now we are both scared of that. Seems so stupid. Her husband, I think, tires of our spats. They don't make sense to normal people, but to us in our twisted way of thinking they are huge. Everything gets so confusing and it is like we look for reasons not to trust each other because we have had it broken so many times in the past by others. Anxiety, I hate it! Fear distorts truth so badly. Well...not sure where all that came from.

Beautiful ride on a wonderful horse with my best friend! Today was good despite my anxiety! I soooo want more days like this!

 

[James B.]

That really sounds like fun, Pottershand. Am happy for you having a swell day!

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Already Feeling Anxiety About Tomorrow

UHG....I don't want it to be Sunday night. I had a really good weekend. Got to go horseback riding two days in a row. That is therapy for me. I now am looking at the clock and the darkness outside and my mind is going towards tomorrow and a new week.

Tomorrow I have to go into my office. I have been avoiding my office and just working from home. But tomorrow is a district meeting and I have to go in. I am having such a hard time with work. I am self employed, but work for an insurance company. My pay is 100% commission. It is all up to me to sell and earn. God I am just not able to do it right now. I am floundering, yet I so desperately need to be making money. Commission selling is hard in this economy for a "normal" person. I am for from normal. I can't focus, I have panic attacks, flashbacks, anxiety. But I have to make a living and right now it is what I have to work with. Oh God what do I do and how do I do it? Anxiety and panic....I am in knots.

Then I have a meeting with Department of Human Services to fill out more paper work to try and get help in getting child support. To beg for what I need and what I deserve. God I hate it. I am so tired of groveling for help and explaining the circumstances and filling out the same damn information over and over and over only to be told I earn too much or not enough or I have to wait, wait, wait. Then I see people in these places that are living off the system because they can. They are not trying to get thier shit together and better thier life. They are just taking and taking and taking. I am so frustrated.

So....the anxiety already creeps in. I fear another sleepless night is in store which makes dealing with all this crap even harder. I know I am whining now, and yes I hate myself for doing it..... ~SIGH~

 

[Daisy_May]

Pottershand:

I was on Celexa a number of years ago, and it revved me right up to the point where I would only eat a bagel or orange a day, didn't need a lot of sleep, lost almost 20 pounds-I have never had as much male attention as I did when I was on that crap!

I quit my friends said I was an excercise-junkie zombie, 'aloof' and spiteful. I think they were jealous ;)

It made my anxiety worse at first, but it also made me a little manic.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

It is making my anxiety high. At least I think it is. It is so hard to tell with all the stuff going on in my life right now. Could be it is keeping me from being worse. I really don't know. I would love the energy, exercise junky stuff. Need to get stuff done and not finding the energy to do it. Course I am going through withdrawals from going off other stuff. God....I'm kinda screwed up....my poor mind and body don't have a clue what is going on!

 

[Nighthawk]

Can I join your club...? Jokes aside I have lost it I am in a dark and scary place not knowing what my mind is doing at the moment. I am starting to wonder if my addiction to nicotine is what had me in a calmer state for such along time. Was it the pills that helped me quit that has made me nuts or has my PTSD been this bad for a long time and have I just closed my eyes to it. I feel like I am screaming and no one can hear me.

sorry
Nighthawlk

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Nighthawk....I HEAR YOU! Welcome to the club. LOL....what a club it is, huh? Sorry you are having trouble too. No need to be sorry, it is what is right now. It will get better. We have to ride the storm out as best we can. Things eventually calm back down. Hang on and ride it out as best you can, I plan on doing the same....somehow.

Take care of yourself! PH

 

[anni]

It's whatever works, I think. We kick ourselves if we turn the adrenaline fueled mania into a positive and end up getting a ton done and losing weight and maybe feeling a little good about then then we kick ourselves for feeling non-functional and stuck, instead of maybe just peacefule, and kick ourselves for resorting to a cigarette instead of some worse drug. My legs are black and blue from the self-kicking, certainly. We're ok, in the end. You know what? My drawers and closets get clean as hell when that manic stage hits and if I'm missing sleep well I've also read 20 books I never would have otherwise. The closets get messy again and will require a good turn-out the next time I'm so foggy I can't get a dam thing done for a few weeks. I'm tired of feeling guilty for smoking once in awhile. The kids keep it in check, I do it when it's me or the adrenaline and I don't have any apologies at the moment for that. One more thing to feel guilty about is going to make the top of my head pop off.

You guys are right, we do the best we can. The thing is, out best isn't bad, I think it's rather good.

 

[bluecat]

You guys are right, we do the best we can. The thing is, out best isn't bad, I think it's rather good.

Hehe, thats what this psychiatrist I saw said that I need to challenge the rigid ways in which I think and don't give me any credit. So here goes: Its pretty darn good!

That felt good. Thanks Anni : )

Bluecat

 

[James B.]

My legs are black and blue from the self-kicking, certainly.

Anni, that is so right and so funny too. Thank you.