Anxiety You're Not Welcome Here!

[anni]

View attachment 3608It is on the topic. A PTSD induced, spray-painted mixing bowl. Processor resting here also or there's not going to be anything much left of the house.

 

[bluecat]

Lol, Ani, your post made me laugh because lately my processor have been a bit overheated too and I started do things such as turn on the stove and go to sleep, or put the pot on and turn on the different burner and then wonder why its not working. Thanks for making me feel more normal for a moment.

PH,
I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. Hang in there, you're a strong woman and you'll pull through for yourself and your kids. I remember divorce and not having a place to live, that was a tough time, but at least I didn't have kids. You have to be twice as strong - what a woman!
Hugs and encouragments and good karma going your way.

Bluecat

 

[jude]

I realize that we can only be responsible for "fixing ourselves" but I do believe when you are in need of support or on the verge of ending it all and reach out your friends and family should be there for you. Not to fix you but to support you and show they really care about you and are there for you. I was on the verge of ending it all not long ago and called my sister who was "too busy" to talk because she had to feed her cat that had cancer and she had to hand feed her. I understand that so I said can you please call me back after you are done. I said that I am ready to end it all and you asked me to call you if I am ever at that point. She said that she was tired more or less and had her own problems and hung up. She never called back. She has since emailed me and told me she is more or less dropping me at this time. I hardly ever open up to her but just recently have because she asked me to.
I usually isolate and no one knows what I am going through. I just try to tough it out on my own. It seems every time I do open up people leave me. I am sorry to go on about my own issues. I just want to make the point that I do believe at crucial times your family or friends should be there for you. That night I put the gun to my head and pulled the trigger but at the last second pulled it away from my head. I don't know why. I am still here but hanging on by a thread.
I would be there for my family and friends. Shouldn't they care enough to be there for us?
Maybe I am wrong and should face all of this on my own> I don't know.......?

 

[anni]

No, you are correct, of course. Your family should be there for you so it's awful when they are not and more than awful to have one not call you back in such a crucial time. It's also an awful fact that sometimes, who knows why, they just plain are not. That's more than destructive and I' very glad you were able to pull yourself out of that one. Other people's behaviour is frequently incomprehensible-we know what it SHOULD be like, it isn't that way, and we just keep thinking well, maybe they'll come around, or change, or finally not hurt me anymore. It hurts every single time, then, because every single time it's a big, fat let-down. The thing is, and not to come across as blindly optimisitc ( because I'm not, actually and this realization was pretty well beaten into my head through the kindness of others)that there are others in the world with zero genetic ties who will be there for you. How to find them is a puzzle but they're out there, to be sure! People who won't leave you hanging, or exhaust you with expectations or hurt you with manipulations. Maybe it's lonely while waiting for some to show up, but that's better than being continually anhilated emotionally by those who really do not care enough to genuinely stop you from going as far as you felt you had to that night-or at least direct you to help. If you have the time to browse old threads, you'll see quite a few from members who struggle with family issues similar to yours. It's not just for insight, but it's generally helpful just not feeling alone with the exact thing you're going through.

It's very helpful, being here. I personally like coming to not feel so kooky because the various ways I have to just get through the day are a little odd to others who don't have to do them. There are a ton of other reasons it's so helpful but boy, not being the ONLY one like this is rather huge.

I hope you're feeling a little better today. Do take care,

Anni

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Anni,

I thought of you today and had a good laugh. Love the spray painted pan! Don't know if mine compares, but here is what I did.....

Opened a can of chili and a can of rootbeer. Poured the rootbeer into the pot on the stove and the chile I tried to dump in my glass. Chili comes out of the can in a blob in case you might be wondering. The chili blob knocked over the glass which fell on the floor taking the chili blob with it. The glass broke and the chili splatted and about that time the rootbeer started to boil and made a lovely foaming mess all over my stove. Decided after cleaning it all up I wasn't hungry after all. My daughter jokingly wanted to give me a sedative....oh if she only knew how tempting that was!!!

Keeping it short...just had to share my chili story because it made me think of you Anni. Thanks all for sharing and posting. What an encouragement you all are!

PH

 

[Still Trying]

Jude,

I never meant that friends and family shouldn't be there for you; a big part of my PTSD is a result of my family's response to my trauma. When I was talking about "fixing" things in an earlier post, I was referring to my difficulties dealing with my own insecurities with friends who were "there" for me, unlike your sister. The hard part for me was knowing when I was truly dealing with someone totally untrustworthy or whether it was my own distortions that made them seem that way.

One of the few friends I truly trust works as a hospice chaplain. We had arranged to have dinner one evening when I was really struggling, and she never showed up or called. I was devastated: I "knew" she had not shown because I was a totally worthless person an she couldn't stand to be around me. I came home and cried for hours. She called the next morning to apologize and explained that she had spent the evening with a hospice patient who died that night, and she offered to come see me even though she had had no sleep. Then, I hated myself for being so "selfish" and doubted whether I was even worthy of her time and friendship. I was afraid to call her about anything, for any reason. My distortions contributed to a very hard time for both of us. She had been in a difficult situation: she didn't want to break her promise of dinner and talking to me, but she also couldn't walk out on a dying man. Realistically, I would never, ever ask her to do that, either, and she knew that.

Every person and situation is different. I personalize everything, which isn't fair to anybody, me or my friends. It was a big hurdle for me to learn to deal with my response to others. Your situation is different, and needs to be addressed differently.

I wish you hope and healing.

 

[anni]

Oh LORD Laugh out LOUD! I know there's a thread we should be sticking this stuff in, and am too distracted to go find it properly. Aren't these root-beer fiascos hysterical in the end? That one is as good as any I've heard!! I WILL go dig up that thread-you wil split when you read it. I'm still trying to get my pic of my Christmas tree last year from phone to computer to post-snipped the wires holding up the fully loaded tree ( was going to replace them with something less visible) BEFORE I had something else in place. I was in a stress-fog. The 9 foot tree, decorated, lit went WHOOSH BOOM TINKLE TINKLE... . That's when I discovered that a solid wall of sound-screaming 'NOOOO' loudly does not, in fact, hold up a falling tree, who knew?

For the other subject here, I don't think anyone is terribly offended, really. We're all so emotional and reactive that it's terribly easy to take things 'wrong', or feel awful if we've said something we then think may have upset someone else. You don't really see much of actual contention here, actually. There's some, of course. It's inevitable given a group of people who by definition have a nervous system someone deposited through the garbage disposal, on 'high'. Mostly one sees an awful lot of very kind people just doing the best they can, I think.

 

[bluecat]

:clap: PH,
you get an applause for making the funniest mess in the kitchen I've ever heard off! Still :rofl:from it. Seriously, thank you for sharing, I feel so much more normal hearing this stuff.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

LOL...well, I have a confession to make. I wrote that about half hour after I had my mess cleaned up. A couple hours later I went to the cupboard for something. Guess what I found??? Yep, the ice cream I was gonna use to make the root beer float. Couldn't really call it ice cream at that point any more...Oh god....where was my brain???

Today my anxiety is again through the roof. I wonder how much is PTSD stuff and how much is all the crap going on in my life right now? How do you know, and does it matter, or are they so inter-twined it is impossible to seperate them. I feel like my brain is a bowl full of spaghetti all mixed up and intertwined. Everything touches everything else and all of it has an impact on me. I can't seem to even begin to seperate it all.

I no longer want to ask for help. I don't even know what "help" looks like or feels like. I just want to disappear for awhile. In my current situation, that won't even help. It would only make things worse. I hate being dependant on other people to make decisions that affect me and my kids. That is what the whole divorce feels like. I feel so disposable and used. God I just want this to get over with so I can move on. But I need to fight for what the kids and I need and deserve. I spent the last 25 years fighting for that....what's a few more months? Everything when you have nothing and are depending on others to come through for you. Okay....this is getting me know where. Going to take a break now.

PH

 

[bluecat]

OMG, PH, the ice-cream tops the cake, so funny. Please, don't give up on asking for help, there are many compassionate and good people out there that can help and you will get your situation solved and will move on! You must be resourceful to have gotten so far, you'll get through this too. I hope you're in a position soon that you can tell the beer float and ice-cream story and crack up and not have to worry about anything.

And by the way, seriously, thank you for making me laugh, I was getting worried that I am dead inside and can't do that anymore, you know? It means a world to me to know that I can still laugh like this. When I laugh it brings up other emotions too, that I am trying to keep in check around 'normal' people, so I tend to freeze.

Good night,
Bluecat

 

[anni]

Yes, thank you for the laughs, and making me feel not so KOOKY. Someone pointed out recently that 'but you're not a ditz' when this stuff came up, and it's true, I'm NOT. I'm also coordinated and move through space fairly well but one would never know it from the bruises and scrapes from knees to shin. We laugh because it iS funny-oh LORD the rootbeer and ice cream, but I could see myself doing all that, is the point and it just plain feels better to be wayyyy more normal.

I hear you, on the dependent thing. RJ, here on the forum ( who said, when I apologised once for mentioning her name tha it was just fine) used the word 'contain' describing how she maintains things, Pottershand. I swooped on that because it fit. Being dependent on others isn't in our control, it's not a contained situation so feels dreadful- out of control. Divorce sucks and on top of that so much of it is wildly, completely 'up to' others. Boy, some of the afore-mentioned surely do not have our best interests at heart, either. It's a pretty intolerable feeling for people like us who require that containment to function well. You're not crazy or losing it-somethings really are both out of our control and pretty intolerable. I just function by over-containment of other things. Perhaps it's not all that healthy then, to have overly-folded towels, or a squeakily clean bathtub but it's personally helpful and doesn't hurt anyone-just my wrinkled soapy fingers. It's awfully hard to 'Let go and let God', to wander into the para-religious sphere but it's all there is when you've done everything you possibly can.

I really hope you feel better. Please do try not to be so tough on yourself, although easier said than done, I know. I've also become extremely adept at the art through 20 some years so pretty much know how ingrained the habit is.

 

[iomdoug]

Hi PH, thanks for the post. You have got me thinking about Celexa, Citilopram is the same medicine I think. I was perscribed this SSRI and it made me feel absolutely trerrible, I had extreme anxiety starting stopping this with me GP's advice. He gave me valium and beta blockers to help with the anxiety symptoms which I still take now. Also have other sleeping and anti anxiety drugs plus pain killers, I have booked an appointment with another doctor because I really feel wiped out and ill so time for a review I think.