Anxiety

[Jimmy1]

It might have been posted before

Link Removed

 

[Friday]

Been thinking about this one a few days.

I'm the one who can't stand myself. Especially the damn repetition the damn repetition the damn repetition -thwack!-

For true, a person has to practically chisel me out of my "Go away, I'm sick of myself so I'm not gonna ruin you, too." Once they do? I'm fine. Until the next time I can't f*cking stand myself. Essentially, they just have to be bossy as f*ck. :p ((Cough. Constant reassurance & patience, bossy as f*ck, same difference.))

The irony, Jimmy... Is there's a handful of people in my life I don't give a good god damn how crap they feel., or how often, either. (Move over, or I'm sitting on you to watch this film. I take it back, sitting on you is mad comfy. Quit squirming you big baby). They'll get over it, and I'm stubborn. (Or rant 54? Bring it. I haven't heard rant 54 in months. Lay it on me :sneaky: ). The other 99% of people out there? I can't stand em, they drive me absolutely insane even the first time they're all spun out, so I don't even try. But certain kinds of f*cked up? On certain people? No worries. Doesn't bother me none. We're good.

So you'd think if I'm fine with other people's patterns I might allow that some people would be fine with mine. Nope. Of course not. :rolleyes:

I love this disorder. It's so rational

 

[Jimmy1]

Well I am sick of hurting people. Verbal abuse is as bad as anything and you know how nasty we can be.

I am just sick of apologising, sick of feeling this way, sick of taking medication, sick of getting angry. I know why people just decide to pull the pin.

 

[Friday]

So you know what you want :sneaky:

No more apologies, to feel differently, to be off meds, & to not burn with rage.

What do you need?

 

[vikingr24]

My closest time was when the former wife and I were just not getting along. Talk about anger. She was the one with PTSD to me. I could not come to tell her what I had been through, why I knew so much about medicine and healing. And rifles and handguns. And was so good with a knife. (It's Fairbairn by God Sykes and yes, I know it's illegal in most states.)

I wanted to paint and play classical music. It calmed me. Gave me purpose, meaning.

I had a studio by a lake in Florida and walked out to it with my 20 gauge. All I could think of was a Sartre saying: Everything is nothing.

I looked out the window to some beautiful scenery and decided I could not do this to myself. But I soooo understand guys who did.

 

[Jimmy1]

So you know what you want :sneaky:

No more apologies, to feel differently, to be off meds, & to not burn with rage.

What do you need?

Well my psych reminded me today that I am mentally broken and will never feel normal again, but you know us military types, there is no word such as can't and never. You only have to go to the military hospitals and check out the unfortunate ones that lose limbs and even some that have been told they will never walk again.

They put me on quetiapine yesterday, I am meant to take a half tablet in the afternoons. Its to be used to keep me docile and get rid of the agitation while my other med builds up it's levels. It works too, but trying to keep the 'white noise' or 'triggers' away is what is proving difficult.
Margaret says I am fine in the mornings, but some days depending on what has happens, she can see the build up and thinks 'look out'.
A prime example was yesterday evening. I was quite happy. Earlier last week Margaret's daughter had asked me to urgently fix her hubbies 'I Phone'. Well all it needed was a new battery installed, but $25 all the same. She got the phone on Friday morning and said 'I will be over Saturday to pay you'.
Well on Sunday Margaret mentioned they had bills out their arse and the daughter had to go and get another job, so I was fine. Last night, while we were sitting there, it came out that she had gone out on the piss and was very hungover. Well I went from calm to fury.

Calming down is the problem. I never used to have this problem, well not for over seven years. Now I have to find the root cause.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Yea I been having some serious anxiety again.
I would flip on some shit like that too Jimmy.
Its like a perpetual state of anxiety.
I watch all these Alan Watt's video's, try to focus in the moment.
Not beat the living shit out of myself mentally.

But man, they overwhelm me to the point where I'm fighting to stay.
Do the breathing 5 seconds via nose, hold 2 seconds, exhale mouth 7 seconds.
It's taken me awhile to remember to focus on my breathing.
In a fury... well its best to let any of us cool off.

I woke up today like, f*ck... I've got a long way to go.

 

[Grizzly]

I'm really glad this is brought out. I'm f*cking miserable at the moment.
I too have been beating myself up...constantly. Anxiety...anger because the anxiety...temper...exhaustion...then depression cause all the previous emotions just explained...repeat.