Anxious About This 'prize' That I Won To Go Out Tonight With People I Dont Even Like

[lil_fighter]

I belong to a youth theatre group..it's just a part time thing, a hobby not related to work or anything and is an outlet for me. I have been part of the group for over a year and have met some lovely people...but I've also met some not so nice ones.

In the summer I met a guy and dated him briefly, I met him through my group because he is a member of another group that is in partnership with ours - meaning they may meet a couple of times a year. Anyway..something bad happened with this guy in the summer and I have had flashbacks ever since, I had a very very lucky escape but it made me think alot about my self esteem and I realised how low it was. I felt suicidal etc. after this happened but had a delayed reaction to it all..

The psychosomatic seizure I had was probably when it all came to a head and I had to take time off work. I was very anxious about my theatre group because the group for me was and still is a trigger because there is a risk I could see this guy again and no one knows what happened.

It was very tough and I avoided the group, but battled with feelings that I was running away or letting this creep ruin something I originally enjoyed so much..plus he isn't actually a member of my group and I wouldn't have to see him every week..but even anyone mentioning him or his drama group would be too much for me.

Eventually I went back, my peers voted for me to win a prize it was meant to be for my contribution to the group over the past year..I was shocked and flattered. Some new people had joined the group and they seemed very pushy, the old members started to leave and it wasn't the same anymore. The prize I won was to choose a day out for the group...I left it up to them to choose and they chose to see a show at another theatre..I wasn't bothered and plus Im not keen on the people in the group anyway. But today is the day of the show that we have to see..I really dont like these new people because they have been rude to the tutor and are patronising even though they are younger than me. I have been up all night worrying about this, because yes it's the drama club so it's triggering memories of what happened..but also Im not looking forward to going but I feel obliged to because it's my 'prize'. I know in reality..I can go to see a show anytime I like, even better with people I actually like but I dont want to let PTSD win by avoiding something..at the same time I know that you should only do things you want to do in life..and I dont want to go and that's clear because I've been up all night worrying..

I start CBT tomorrow and Im not anxious about that, Im looking forward to it..so being anxious about tonight surely points to the fact that it is not 'healthy', any advice would be great. I didn't sleep at all last night and I feel awful :(

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Stop me if I'm missing something here... But HOW is skipping out on an outing with people you don't even like "letting the PTSD win"?!?

As I see it, it's not about the PTSD. It's about you not liking the newbies. The issue with that guy seems like a separate issue altogether.

 

[lil_fighter]

yeah, Im sorry. Reading it back just makes me realise how the anxiety takes a hold of me and I do a lot of self criticism all the time...sorry, it was a silly thread to start I think I did it on impulse but wish now that I could delete it because it's so silly. I didn't go in the end and the tutor was upset and said she was looking forward to seeing me, especially as it was my present but I asked her to give the ticket to someone else who might want it and hoped they'd all have a nice time. I would have been a zombie anyway as I hadn't slept for over 24 hrs so yeah..and you're right ScaredOfLonely, probably nothing to do with PTSD sorry

I think I was just concerned about the whole extreme anxiety over something so minor and I have developed this with the PTSD and never used to be that way, maybe that's why I posted it here

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Oh...I re-read what I posted, and realized it was a bit on the harsh side! I apologize for that, as it wasn't my intention.

Please don't apologize for posting, as your anxiety is a very relevant issue in regards to your PTSD. I just don't think that not wanting to be around people you don't like is necessarily a PTSD thing.

And actually, I'm glad you posted this, as now that I re-read your post I can relate to your feelings of guilt (ie wanting to please others). I've done the same thing, partaking in activities because it's what others want me to do, but not necessarily what *I* want to do!

I also think that it's great that you put yourself and your needs first, realizing you weren't up to going out, and taking care of your needs rather than the needs of others.

So thank you for posting...it's made me realize that I'm not alone in having such feelings.

Hugs,
SOL