General Any advice for the adult daughter of a ptsd sufferer? - update and question

[stilllovetswift]

My mother has been diagnosed with 'complex post-traumatic anxiety disorder' a few years ago. It is from verbal and physical abuse as a child by the hands of her father, as well as being molested by a cousin and her mother dying when she was 10 yo. My mother has not had the greatest life. She has been in pain for many years and visibly struggling with it all my life. I hate that she's had to go through all that. She deserved so much better and she is honestly so caring and passionate about my wellbeing because of it.
She has seen many therapists over the years for both her issues and the marital problems she has with my father. They have a very tumultuous relationship. She says that she hate my father and they have been violently arguing all my life, to the point that furniture has been thrown and they've hit each other. Despite this, they haven't split because she says that 'I can't afford to leave him' and he says 'I can't abandon her'.
They told me they had me because they thought it would help their relationship. I'm there only child and a bit of a miracle as they were told that my father was serile.
She has been on medication but they made her tired and made her gain weight. During this time, it was actually good at home. No more arguments and my mother stopped threatening to kill herself whenever I didn't want to listen to her complain about life. She stopped going to therapy because 'how is talking going to help me after what everyone has done to me?'
She and I used to be very close when I was little because my father was deployed overseas in the military. She used to tell me that my dad was a awful man and an abuser and I believed her. As I grew up though, I started to see her part in their arguments and become a bit bitter about how she made me lose my relationship with him. He and I got closer.
My grandfather died 5 years ago but I'm still not allowed to talk about him or really talk to the rest of my mother's family (because they didn't do anything to help her, but also they were kids too). I wasn't allowed to leave the house without telling her where I was going and she needed me to text her when I got to wherever I was going. She would pry into parts of my life that I didn't want to share (my sex life etc) and would constantly complain about my partners to me . She expected that I did well in life and she was very focused on my weight, which lead to me developing anorexia in high school.
She wouldn't help me with my recovery because she felt ashamed about how she lead me to becoming sick and during this time, she was mad depressive state for two years (she wouldn't leave the house). I took care of her and made sure she ate and had things to do during these two years. I lost my friends and my job because of this, because I kept cancelling or calling in sick to take care of her.
She never told me that I had or needed to do anything but still at 21, I had a curfew and if she didn't like somehting i was going to do (hang out with a friend, go on a date), she would have a tantrum about how I was leaving her and how no one would care if she died.
I work part time while studying at university to become a teacher, so I was never really home which meant that when I would come home from work late at night and go straight to bed, she would complain that I was being anti-social. She would read my emails and diaries to 'check that I was okay' and find out what I was into.

Recently, my partner moved in with my parents and I. My partner become aware of how my mother is like with me and everyone else and my partner didn't like it. They had a massive argument and my mother gave me an ultimatum: stay here or move out. I moved out.
A week ago she and I had a massive fight (this was the first time that I got mad and actually yelled back rather than just agreeing with her) and she grabbed me by my shirt. This lead me to have abit of a breakdown. She was yelling in my face so I felt like she was going to hit me. Since then we haven't spoken, as I told her I needed space.
During this though, she has driven past my new place and my work, as well as spreading rumours about me and my partner to my extended family and telling them that I hate them. Shes posted on facebook and spoken to my friends as well about me.
I only have one cousin who is actively speaking to me.
My father has done nothing during all this.

I'm so sorry that this post is all over the place. I think I really needed to let it all out. My problem is that I have tried so hard to be understanding and help her get therapy and be there for her but I'm so tired. I am 21 and I'm sick of trying to help her and have her literally throw it back in my face. I feel so selfish moving out and I know that I've hurt her (she's told me she doesn't understand why I moved out, even though I explained to her). We are currently on no contact and I don't want to talk to her until I've seen my old therapist next week.
What can I do? Am I being too hard on her? What can I do to help her, but also keep my sanity?
I want to be a good daughter but I'm too scared to go back to my parents house.

 

[Sighs]

You're 21. You are entitled to your own life with your partner. It is not your responsibility to "fix" your mother or care for your mother. She has to help herself. Hugs if you accept them.

(PS - I am the daughter of a combat veteran with PTSD and now the partner of a combat veteran with PTSD so I do understand why you feel responsible for her. There is no criticism in the above - just validation that you are allowed to set boundaries and live your own life.)

 

[EveHarrington]

Your mother is quite abusive.

Set boundaries. Enforce those boundaries.

(And why oh why does she have access to your email?!?!?)

She’s beaten you down so much that you can’t detemine healthy from unhealthy. The longer you’re away from her, the better you’ll be able to make this distinction.

 

[Friday]

Honey, you have been straight up abused your entire life... and I’m not someone who thinks every little argument or moment of bad parenting equals abuse... on top of the wildly age inappropriate demands placed upon you, time and time again. From a child being forced into an adult role / given adult problems instead of protected from them; to an adult forced into the dual role of a child’s rules for themselves, but a parent’s responsibility to the other adults, who should damn well know better and be able to take care of their own selves.

I’m profoundly grateful that you entered into education as a career, because all of the developmental psych, early childhood education, graduated levels of responsibility, boundaries, et al, that are part of that degree & used daily in working with children ...couldn’t be better at building up the core of strength and skills you were never given.

So repeat after me :

You can only abandon kids & pets. Everyone else can take care of themselves. They may not want to, but they can.

You are not responsible for your mother, her marriage, or her life.

It’s time to live your own life. To learn to live your own life. Time and long past.

 

[Nessa7]

I went no contact with a mentally ill family member when I was about the same age as you. You are not being too hard on your mother. She is not going to get better without therapy and medication, and those are not things you can provide her with or do for her. Trying to is only going to drag you down.

If your family deserves to be a part of your life, they'll figure out that you are doing nothing wrong. I had family that blamed me for not being able to fix my dad. It was horrible, but they're wrong to put this on you. It also probably isn't really about you or what kind of person you are. Some people are going to have unhealthy views about a child's responsibilities to their parents or about mental illness. You insisting on having healthy boundaries is going to put more pressure on them to reexamine their own boundaries. There are also going to be people that blame you just because it makes them feel better about their own unwillingness to take action or provide support.

I think that it is really great that you have made an appointment with your therapist. This stuff is hard to deal with, and my big regret is that it took me so long to get professional help for myself.

 

[blackemerald1]

I agree with ^^ responses you have been abused and you still are being abused. I too am pleased you are out of that home and your partner had the good sense to stand up to her behaviour and you had the even better sense to leave.

As for social media problems - change your number, email and shut down social media. If other people are going to agree or like bad things your mother has to say about you then they were not your friends.

Your mother chooses not to take medication and see a therapist. That is her issue. I know you love your mother and want her to get help. However she has to want these things for herself. It sounds like you have been ricocheting between your parents emotionally for a long time. It must be really sad to have been told you were born to 'fix' your parents relationship. What a horrible thing to be told and what planet did they then live on? Sorry I know that sounded harsh. It isn't and never was your responsibility to fix anything going on with your parents relationship.

I think your mother has a problem with you growing up and becoming an adult. You have a right to live your own life. You have a responsibility to live your own life the best you can. Being a 'good daughter' doesn't mean what your mother has tried to make you believe. I'm glad you are seeing your therapist next week.

 

[stilllovestswift]

Any advice?....Part 2:

Hi all,
I posted on here about 5 months ago about my relationship with my mother and how I'd moved out. Everyone's advice and reassurance was so very helpful for me, so I was hoping for some more.
Here's the run down:
I moved out of home to be with my partner after my mother and my partner had a massive fight. My mother has ptsd (and potentially bpd) and she and I had a very enmeshed relationship. I played counseller for her during my teen years for her ptsd, depression and relationship issues with my dad.There were no boundaries (reading my emails, driving past my house to check if I was there, prying into my personal life etc etc). So I moved out when my mother asked me to pick between her and my partner.
Since then, my partner and I have split up, so I moved in with some friends. My mother is very angry that I didn't move home and constantly guilts me about this. Things like, 'why live with them when you can live here and help pay the mortgage on the house you're going to get when we die?' and 'if you really missed me, then why don't you move home?' etc etc.
I visit my parents once or twice a week. The conversations normally go okay but after a couple of hours it normally turns into a lecture or my mother starts crying when i say I need to leave. If I don't visit, she will have a tantrum and be very passive aggressive towards me. She comes into my work nearly every day to see me.
She is medicated again which is the only reason I will go see her.

The advice that I really need is about moving again. My ex-partner and I have started talking again and we want to get back together. We only really broke up because of my mother involving herself in our lives when my partner wasn't comfortable with that, and because of some of our own issues.
Anyways, my partner now lives on the other side of the state for work and we want to be together again. So I will have to move for that to work for us. I already have two jobs lined up there and my partner's family has said that I can live with them until we can find a place. We've done long distance but I don't really have anything here that really is holding me here.
The move could be as soon as November or December this year. My main stress is how to break it to my mother. She already doesn't think that I see her enough and that my partner is the "devil who destroyed our family". Those are her words. She has said that if I move there, she won't talk to me again (but apparently this isn't her decision, its because my partner supposedly won't let me, which is completely untrue). Some of my mother's worries about me potentially moving are warranted but do I have to justify my decision as a 22 year old who doesn't live at home or financially rely on her?
I don't know how to tell her that I want to move or that it might be as early as a month from now. I know it's going to blow up and she will do everything to convince me not to. I understand that it's because she sees it as me picking my partner over her and that I will be abandoning her (e.g. if you move, it'll be like you've died and I won't have a reason to live). I want to move to be with my partner and I don't know what to tell my mother.

Maybe this is the wrong place to be posting this, but I really would love some advice from people who get this? Do I come off as ungrateful or like a terrible daughter? Mum and I have a semi-decent relationship currently and I don't want to ruin that but I also want to move and start a life with someone I truly love.

 

[EveHarrington]

Ungrateful?

A terrible daughter?

Heck no!

You have a right to live your life as you so desire.

Say:

“Mom, I’m moving to the other side of the state on (date).”

<end of conversation>

...notice how it is phrased in the affirmative, having a specific date of when you are actually moving, as in the decision has been made. Do not tell her you are considering this move. It will only end up in crazy manipulation.

(All subsequent “debates” over this topic are immediately ended by saying “I understand that you will miss me but I have chosen to take this path in life” <end of conversation>)

 

[Abstract]

Unfortunately your mother isn't well enough or in the possession of enough understanding of healthy relationships to respond in a healthy way to what you want to do. She has very big serious issues that go way way past PTSD. That isn't about you though and is about her. Your decision sounds entirely normal and very healthy to me. In fact it sounds like you need to get more distance in order to try to claim back a normal life for yourself. Run run were the words that first occurred to me when reading your first post and run run now after reading your second. You aren't being unkind or behaving badly and you aren't responsible for trying to fix your mother or fill in the spaces in her self. You are a human being, not a resource.

A letter can be helpful sometimes as the person is sometimes more able to absorb what is really being said when they have cooled off a bit. A talk and then hand her the letter?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

“Mom, I’m moving to the other side of the state on (date).”

<end of conversation>

(All subsequent “debates” over this topic are immediately ended by saying “I understand that you will miss me but I have chosen to take this path in life” <end of conversation>

Couldn't agree with this more. Totally this! And, maybe after you tell her and before you end the convo by turning around to get into your car, you could...

A letter can be helpful sometimes as the person is sometimes more able to absorb what is really being said when they have cooled off a bit. A talk and then hand her the letter?

...hand her a letter that states very firmly what she's done to you, how this has affected you, how you feel about her, and why you have decided to do this. You may want to also write "keep the house". Or, I would anyway. Just a thought. Tell her to wait until she's calm to read it.

Go, get the jobs, and make a life. You deserve it!

 

[Nessa7]

I think it would be best to wait until you have definite plans before you tell her and are very close to moving (or even already have). Your mother already feels completely free to meddle in your life in invasive ways, and I could see her escalating to harassing your partner's family or trying to figure out where you will be working to keep them from hiring you. She's going to see any steps towards you being more independent as a threat to her. There is no way that you could deliver your news in a way that she wouldn't be upset by.

I can see how making this move when your mother is back on medication is something that would be really difficult. She's making some steps towards improvement, and I know that when I was in that situation that I didn't want to do anything that might reverse the changes that my father was making. She's finally doing what you've desperately wanted her to do for years. I remember feeling as though my entire world depended on my father taking his pills, but it was because I was raised to shape myself entirely around the mental health of the people around me. Putting off living your life for your mother to be healthy enough for you to will only make you miserable.