Relationship Any Advice On Dealing With A Ptsd Partner?

[Freckles66]

Hi

This is the first time I have ever done anything like this so bare with me please.

We currently live in the Middle East, I am from the UK and my partner is from South Africa (hes not a veteran), we've been together for 8months (not living together since, that would be too quick and its illegal out here unless you're married).

He told me when we first got together that he had been diagnosed in the past with PTSD (but discontinued with the therapy) and he had trouble sleeping which led to him drink quite often, to number the nightmares/flashbacks. After opening up a little to me (but for obvious reasons I don't want to discuss the private details openly about what has caused his main part of the PTSD) he started cutting down on the drink everything was going fine (but working excessive hours still), until the point where I fell pregnant and lost the child within the first month of pregnancy (this was Oct last year and it was totally unplanned and unexpected, total accident).

At first he seemed fine about it but the nightmares came back with a vengeance so he started therapy again in the beginning of November, they wanted to keep him in overnight for observation and he refused, they put him on tablets but I never asked what kind, as I am a firm believer that if he wanted to tell me would. He has told me the main nightmare but now he has mentioned that there might be another form of abuse in there adding to issues he buried deep.

Then at the back of November he started the mood swings, and being angry at the world, so they changed his tablets and he seem to start getting better, but then there was a change in December, he started to turn into an recluse. He started not going to work as he couldn't leave his bedroom, he's now lost his job (and out here in the MIddle East you only have 3 months to find another job or you get deported).

The only thing I have managed to do is keep him going to his therapy sessions, its the only time he leaves the house, as apparently its scary out there.

He hasn't let me see him or speak to him over the phone now in over a month, everything is via whatsap and yesterday he told me wanted to be alone and could get through this on his own.

I've been trying to do what everywhere suggests
1) get them in a routine (i tried telling to go online skating as I know he likes it) or go for walks
2) keep telling him I am there for him and I care
3) telling him positive things about himself.

I know, from what I have read on here that other people have been through similar things and that people who suffer from PTSD have offered advise.

And I am trying to look after myself and give myself resbite from the emotional stress this has caused me over the last month and a bit.

I am just at loss as to what I can do, I don't want to give up on him, everyone needs someone to care about the right? Especially when you live in a foreign country and haven't got your close friends or family around them.

Any advise would be appreciated?

 

[SwordsPandaGirl]

Firstly, I would like to say welcome to the forum, I'm sure you will find many kind and helpful people who will be able to offer support and guidance. I am so sorry about the situation you are finding yourself in. It must be so difficult to deal with and having PTSD myself, I can only imagine what it must be like for supporters when we are at our worst, especially so that you are so far away from friends and family :hug:.

I'm sorry that I can't offer advice on the matter from a supporter perspective but I am here to listen if you need to talk :hug:

 

[Freckles66]

Thanks @SwordsPandaGirl, you have no idea how glad I am I have found this forum, the few close friends I have out here are all on the defensive for me, telling me to walk away and its not worth it (they are only trying to look after me I suppose).

 

[Amalia]

It is tough - the mantra is to stay with people who are positive, don`t get `involved` with those who are negative etc.
It`s a mantra us peeps with ptsd would love to adhere to if we weren`t living it day and day out.

The one and only thing I would say is ... the person you are with has to be at a point where they want to change. Where they want to get better. Before that point nobody can help them. Really.There also has to be a healthy alignment between your ... fragilities as a person as well as theirs - so it`s not too one-sided X

And finally ... though I understand as a sufferer where your friends are coming from - imagine what it`s like to be the `bad` one .... and think about how you and those truly lovely, i have no doubt. friends of yours might have coped themselves had they been victim to such multi-levels of abuse? Like attracts like - be grateful for your friends, and your own life, and thank the sweet Lord you don`t face the same nightmare.

At the same time your bloke needs boundaries of what`s acceptable, right and honest going forward. I hope you both succeed in this :).

All the best.

 

[Freckles66]

Hi @Amalia , thanks for the reply.

That's what I have been trying to do, put myself in his position, and I would honestly want someone to keep being there for me.

I just hope as you said, he's at the point where he wants to change, as sometimes I get the feeling even though he is doing the therapy he's not doing what they have suggested, like building up a routine and not drinking on the tablets (he did let slip he had drank one or two nights whilst being on them).


All the best to you also, hope you have a good 2015 x

 

[Sweetpea76]

It sounds like he is going through a bad patch and is isolating. Unfortunately that is pretty common with PTSD sufferers. It's a coping mechanism for when they cannot deal with anything but surviving. It is important as a supporter not to take this personally. It is really about them needing to cope, and not about us.

When they tell you they need space, and need to be alone, it means they need space and need to be alone. Perhaps telling him that "I respect your need for space, and I am here for you if you need me, I'm not going anywhere" would help. Offer to leave him be, but tell him you may check on him every week or so to make sure he is ok, as long as that is fine with him. Letting him know that you understand his need for space, and that you respect his boundaries may go a long way with him.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Oh, also, if he just started medication in November, and they are switching around his meds, he may not be feeling too good for awhile. It takes awhile to find a good medication combo that works. That could be part of the reason he is feeling bad. Also, starting therapy is rough. It brings a lot of emotion up to the surface. When my sufferer gets out of a therapy appointment, he gets in the car and sleeps all the way home, just because it exhausts him, and he has been in therapy for years. It's going to be a long process for you guys.

 

[shimmerz]

and I would honestly want someone to keep being there for me

I have to be honest. Yes, at times I do want people to be there for me, with me, me with them and for them, but this is in direct conflict with my feelings of being ashamed for being such a conflicted ball of bad. Which is a very good reason that mixed messages from PTSD'ers imho is so prevalent. At the core of it all though, I believe we all need someone to believe in us and hang in there.

My personal opinion is that I would rather be a PTSD sufferer than a PTSD 'carer-forer'. Those of you who are the caregiver are in a tough position.

 

[Amalia]

ps i dpn`t do everything my therapist suggests - even a professional who you feel you really connect with just cannot understand wgat it`s like to try to survive day in day out with this really awful disorder. and we sufferers do hurt the ones we love most - from a variety of places - we don`t feel we are worthy of love so will say the most hurtful things only because we can`t understand why it might affect the other person. Etc.

 

[Freckles66]

@shimmerz & @Amalia Thanks for your honesty, being on here has given me a whole new perspective on what I am dealing with and what he is going through. It is actually making it a tad easier to cope with it all, as before I just felt over whelmed by it all and I couldn't tell if I was doing it right or wrong.