Any Other Providers? How Do You Keep Going In The Midst Of Dealing With Your Own Sh*t?

[Ocin]

I am totally struggling. I run my own practice, and I am afraid I am going to tank our household and my business finances due to this revelation that has me facing a reality of 35+ years of amnesia to severe CSA. The past 1.5 yr-2 has seen the slow spiral as I have sensed something was really off but couldn't figure it out-- shifted hours, tried a personal assistant, couples tx, added a part time teaching position etc. But I am not capable of hustling anymore. I am tired. I feel like my flaws are broadcast far and wide due to my existential fatigue.

I do good work in the sessions with patients. I just find myself horribly avoidant to the admin stuff and calls and emails. I think so much of it is triggering. I am trying hard but I do not have the type of admin help I need. I used to be good about keeping to do lists and while my ADHD kept me slow and a step behind I was not messing up so badly. I am not depressed. I am not anxious, not psychotic.

I am simply struggling to keep my worker part going now that I realize that 1) I wanted to achieve all of this so I wouldn't "owe" anyone anything again (poignant in relationship to CSA where my education had been one of the "gifts" exchanged for my innocence) and yet 2) Owe is all I do! Massive grad school loans, poor boundaries in my profession (work more or you are weak, stupid, selfish etc) feel very exploitative, and even when I am the boss I hear that internal critic from years of training.

One particular case pushed me over the edge completely, I'm owed $$$$ (and they have it but I'm not seeing it). I feel used. I feel disrespected and my child selves are getting in the way of my competent adult self in seeing that I am safe, that I am an adult, a professional here. I can face this sh*t show and demand my compensation for services provided. That situation brought me to my knees as I shared too deeply the experience of a child who had NO CONTROL OVER ANYTHING IN HIS/HER LIFE. Who was being harmed emotionally but with our horrific child welfare s/he would have needed 6 broken bones to get screened in. Whose adults are completely superficial and focused on "looking good" and "winning" but truly lack in the areas of compassion and spirituality.

Any breakthroughs? Of note:
Trauma Stewardship: An Everyday Guide to Caring for Self While Caring for Others
Book by Laura van Dernoot Lipsky got me very far along this path and I want to give a shout out to the gifts inside. It is amazing.

Thanks for letting me vent if nothing else.

<3
Ocin

 

[7Cs]

:hug: Just wanted to say "I hear you" and I'm sorry that you're struggling right now.:hug:

 

[Ocin]

:hug: Just wanted to say "I hear you" and I'm sorry that you're struggling right now.:hug:

Thank you. Spitting out the internal conflict seems to help. I actually checked my email and had a discussion I was putting off after posting that bit.
I'm wrapping my mind around the Internal Family Systems concept-- it is helping me pick apart the resistance (at least today, though I suppose meditation and supervision with my mentor helped too).

 

[Llith]

I find working with PTSD exceptionally hard, I earn well and if I lost my job chances are my boyfriend and I would have to move etc. Its really hard on days when you just want to give up and never go back.

On the other hand it does keep you distracted, while it is hard, sometimes its better than just wallowing in your own issues for hours on end. Though the situation with that child sounded awful, and very triggering for yourself, I think I would have lost it. The fact that child welfare in a 1st world country is so bad is just depressing. You would have thought we would have that figured out by now.

*hugs* and sorry you've been having a hard time! Ventings cool :P I think over half of this forum is people venting!

 

[scout86]

Do you have a therapist of your own? 'cause it seems like it might help.

You deserve to get paid. And I totally relate to not wanting to owe anyone. (My T calls that attitude "anti-dependence", as opposed to independence.)

 

[Ocin]

I find working with PTSD exceptionally hard, I earn well and if I lost my job chances are my boyfriend an...

I agree that working with patients is freeing-- helps me get out of the intellectualization over my own life experiences and reminds me of the amazing range of skills and gifts that we all carry that can help keep us moving. That said the realization of my own abuse has been challenging since I work with abuse and neglect all the time, and while over-protective at times I feel like I handled it appropriately. I still do but I am worried that it will become too much. I've always had "the luck" where if there is trauma the person (be it a child or geriatric patient) feels like I understand, and shares this with me. I am honored, but so sad that the most hurt and vulnerable sides of me obviously didn't feel safe sharing my suffering with my conscious self.

And now that I realize that despite years of my own therapy I have so much more to process (and I don't even know what this could entail!). That is what is just kicking me in the a**. I'm not averse to therapy. I've spent years seeing psychiatrists and psychologists and social workers. I am just thrown by the discovery that I could keep such incredibly painful and terrifying experiences locked away in my cranium. I certainly benefitted from the cognitive therapy and dynamic orientated work and working on boundaries with my crazy family etc. But geez! What a let down to realize that really, at the base of all of the many problems that date back to my own childhood was not just depression, or ADHD, or anxiety, or a learning disability. Nope. My brain totally wired itself around these islands of traumatic memory so that I wouldn't self destruct from the horrific double bind that incest places the victimized child into.

Amazing. Thanks for letting me know there are more of us out there.

 

[Ocin]

Do you have a therapist of your own? 'cause it seems like it might help. You deserve to get paid. And.....

Yeah, but I will talk to her tomorrow-- I think I need to switch to someone who specializes in trauma. I've worked with her off and on for decades, so it will be a tough transition but at the same time, perhaps this is the right time for termination. She is a psychologist who helped me really blossom in my early twenties as I went from suicidal and aimless residential care worker in a messy college relationship to confident single gal accepted into graduate school. We reconnected after I returned to the area to settle down pregnant with my 3rd kid.
I have been looking for an EMDR provider and got some clarity today from a colleague that EMDR folks don't care to do the EMDR on the side with other people doing therapy with the client. I'm of the mind that more therapy is typically better but I think that an in- depth focus on trauma is what I need, and perhaps 2 hrs at a time with the trauma EMDR person is the best bet. I just am so ready to get this going. I felt great after the first offload of muck in my EMDR retreat. Its just that more was ready to come out, and I want to dislodge the negative cognitions that are lingering with the further memories. I really think I will do well once I dive back in. Wish I had the funds to just bankroll another 40 hr week intensive.

I really really love what I do. I just need to feel competent. I know that the sad and scared parts need to have their space too, so I gotta give them room, just not in my office when I'm the caregiver for others.

 

[Llith]

I agree that working with patients is freeing-- helps me get out of the intellectualization over my own li...

Yer, I guess that is what therapy is for, giving you an appropriate place and time to look after yourself, as you said not when other people need you :)

I get what you mean regarding realising you have a whole host more stuff to deal with. I have been in therapy most of my life and I thought I dealt with my childhood abuse etc, however I had acupuncture recently, not realising an inadvertent side effect of releasing memories I didn't even know I had hidden. Fun fun fun...

Wishing you luck! I hope you find the right balance :)