Relationship Any positive results after isolation???

[1confusedgirl]

Hello, I recently found these forums which have been greatly helpful over the past couple months. I recently posted my own story of loving a man with Ptsd. he is now isolating, we communicated some in the beginning but i realize now that it didn't help. So now i am not reaching out to him at all and giving "space" because that's all i can do, and hope that he's okay.

So as i read through other threads and experiences of others it has helped me gained some insight to ptsd, until a few months ago i knew nothing about it. As i've read through others experiences i see that most either end in break up or the posting stops all together.

My question is: Does anyone have a positive result after isolation? Has anyone's SO come out of the isolation with a positive result?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Isolation is confusing for supporters.

I think it depends on if it's really just an isolation period or if it's actually a break up with no closure. I think a lot of people come here hoping that a break up is really isolation, and that their sufferer will eventually return.

Everybody hopes it's just isolation.

 

[Stephernovas]

Personally when I've isolated, the pestering has really bothered me. I've had a guy call me, text, Facebook message, leave voice messages, snapchat me and so much more. Creepy thing was, I met him once and we went for a 45 minute walk - we weren't even in a relationship. But he needed/wanted that reassurance that I was into him, and I just did not have it in me to take care of anyone else but myself at that time. Regardless, I realize I was isolating from more people than just him, but when people can back off and wait for me to come around that will likely result in the best outcome. I am quite self-aware and can voice what I need/want. I'm still learning how the PTSD implicates my life, but I also know when I need to be alone and allow myself to sit with my thoughts (whether I'm trying to ignore them or just be in them). It's a lot for a person to swallow. Isolation means we are hurting and at least for myself, I need to give myself space to breathe where I know I'm okay and in this space no one else will be able to hurt me. Respect that.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it varies.....isolation periods can be short or long. I think the longer the isolation period, the less chance that its isolation and more chance that it's an ending.

 

[Buttercup]

It also depends on what you mean by "positive result." In my situation, yes, he has come out of isolation or shut outs or whatever and reached out to me several times. But is the result positive? Are we now living happily ever after? No, the cycle continues.

He absolutely struggles with maintaining a relationship where there is open communication during conflict and stressful times.

I am handling things better now, but I can't exactly say that it's a positive result. I have, in the past, been elated when he resurfaces. Now i am skeptical and anxious and walking on eggshells knowing it will happen again, but, when will it happen.

also, this is *our* situation. Mine and his. Based on plenty of other things besides PTSD, but PTSD is probably the main reason he copes with stress in this way.

As @Stephernovas said, the backing off and letting them be provides the best outcome. I struggle with this and am not very good at it.

 

[Hojay]

I think isolation doesn't always equal isolation. I think it would help to know a little more about the context of this isolation to really know if I can compare it to my own experience with my sufferer. Was this isolation announced? Are the boundaries in place and communicated as to what you can and cannot accept within this isolation? What's the status quo of your relationship and how does this isolation figure in? Is it all on his terms or is he trying to communicate this in a way that will ensure you know what is going on? All this is important to know...

Aside from the obvious differences in communication ability and tools, as with any other person on the planet, there are good people with PTSD and there are not so good people with PTSD. On this forum I have seen people sit through an isolation only to find out the person was not really even IN the relationship with them, i.e. wasn't serious about their partner and their isolation was a way "out." And I have seen people sit and learn to give space to a person who was deeply committed to them, but just very much trying to cope. Fortunately, my partner was part of the latter. So as to positive result or not, it really depends on the variables above.

 

[PTSDWIFE]

Yes, my husband has come out of isolation. Then he went back. And forth. And so on.

It really depends on the person. However, it is rarely happily ever after (darn those fairy tales!), because it will probably happen again. Take care of yourself and give him the distance he needs. Be strong and ready to decide-IF he comes out of isolation, is this something you want to continue? What are your boundaries? Good luck!

 

[Sweetpea76]

You can decide if you'll tolerate isolation in a relationship and how long you're willing to deal with it.

I can't go much more than a week or so. I also cannot deal with vanishing off the face of the earth so I worry myself sick. I can respect his need for space. All I ask is he respects my needs too. That's what I need in order to be in a relationship. I'm not gonna sit in a holding pattern for a month wondering if he's gone for good.

 

[Freida]

but when people can back off and wait for me to come around that will likely result in the best outcome.

Yep. Thats me too. It's taken a long time but my hubby and sisters and I found a pattern that works for us. When I feel it coming on I text my sister's and say "I'm off the grid for a bit". They may send a text here and there to say hi each day but they don't expect a response.

Hubby and I had a harder time because I was notorious for taking off. We came up with "rules". The big one is that if I feel the need to run I promised to stop long enough to tell him I'm going and he promised not to try to talk me out of it. Then I have to check in at least once each day so he knows I'm alive while I'm gone. We also set a limit on the amount of money I can spend.... Yea, you take off to a spa and spend $1500 bucks you didn't have in the first place just once and.....well that's gonna be a conversation later....just sayin

The weird thing is that the more accepting they became the less time I needed away. Now more often than not I can isolate and stay home so it's less stressful and over faster

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Freida my vet and I have rules too, and that's why his isolation periods work in our relationship. He warns me if he's going to run or needs to lockdown. He also sends me "I'm alive" texts. I however agree to leave him the eff alone entirely and not answer the texts or try to engage in conversation until he texts something other than "I'm alive". If he lets me know he's still kicking every few days I don't worry. He also knows that he can't go for extended periods of time if he wants to come back to me.

It works. He usually only needs a few days when he's really cranked up to "reset." I just go and do my own thing. There is zero drama, no guilt, or feelings of abandonment.

 

[EveHarrington]

Dammit.

I'm not permitted isolation time.

I know I'm going to crack/explode one of these days.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@EveHarrington its hard for supporters to understand the need to isolate when they're in a new relationship. The reason why they flip out when their sufferers isolate is because they think they're being ghosted, or they've pissed off/hurt their partner so much that they are no longer speaking to them.

Have you explained to him about isolation being a "reset" or a coping method for your stress cup? That's it's 100% not about him, and that you're willing to lay down some rules about contact and time limits?

I had to understand this ^^^^^ before I "got it".