Relationship Any positive results after isolation???

[EveHarrington]

@EveHarrington I am so sorry. I tried that whole hold it in thing with some family m...

Holy crap, I totally did that the WRONG way!

He was already frustrated with me because he'd been offering me support much of the morning and I wasn't listening to him. So then I ask him how much time I'm permitted to have alone and when we got on the phone (we had previously been texting), I heard SO much anger in his voice, more than I'd ever heard before. I was just like oh f*ck! I pushed this one too far. He asked me why I thought he was controlling (as the "permitted" part set off triggers in him).....I responded that I didn't think he was controlling, just that I knew he had struggles when I told him in the past that I needed time alone. I got off the phone, had a good cry, calmed myself down, and called him back. We worked it out, me assuring him that I wasn't mad and didn't think he was controlling. (Although I am thinking that perhaps I hit on a sore spot, maybe he has issues with people in his past accusing him of being controlling? Who knows. I just know that I don't see anything controlling in him myself.)

He knows that I need time alone, and understands why I need it. He says he rather it be on the magnitude of hours and not days, but if that' what I need, he is willing to give it to me. Its a long distance relationship so my need for space isn't as great....I just get off the phone and tend to be ok. I know I need to work on my retribution isolation which is me just being hella-pissed and isolating out of anger because I know it will hurt him. (But still, I know I will need time to cool off and calm down.) In a few weeks I'll be visiting him for about 2 1/2 weeks, so we will be learning more about space and how I will need to learn to balance my time. Fortunately he will be at work all day M-F so I don't think that I'll need to ask for space all that much (if at all).

 

[Freida]

@EveHarrington that's awesome! Not that things went wrong lol. But that you were able to talk about it and work it out!!

 

[Buttercup]

@EveHarrington that is great that you two worked that glitch out. I'll be wishing for the absolute best on your visit with him.

I did find this interesting -

retribution isolation which is me just being hella-pissed and isolating out of anger because I know it will hurt him.

This is one thing I have been wondering about. Is he isolating or is he angry and you say you isolate out of anger, so now I have some point of reference on this. What do you mean by "because you know it will hurt him"

I know my guy has isolated in the past when not angry, but more often than not something has happened. He'll either be angry after a argument or hurt by something I've said. Which is why it can be so painful for me.

 

[EveHarrington]

@EveHarrington that is great that you two worked that glitch out. I'll be wishing...

I say I know it will hurt him because he prefers to have regular frequent contact with me. It helps him to feel connected to me. When we aren't communicating, he feels more distant from me, i.e. when I'm having a bad day and am quiet or when one of us is busy and we don't have time to communicate.

It was a Thursday and I threw down an "I need space. Monday." request (demand). It did not sit well with him at all.....primarily because Monday was a stressful day (that I had completely forgotten about) and he really needed my support. I hurt him more than intended.

I say all this and realize I sound horrible. The truth is that I was scared and in order to not feel scared I was pushing him away. Yes, part of me was angry and wanted to hurt him. But a part of me was very scared and wanted to feel safe.

I did text/call him the next morning though. The weekend was a bit rough but he much rather be seeing me while I struggle than have me disappear when stressed.

The situation was this.

He started a new job a few weeks ago. I went from being able to talk to him whenever I wanted to having approximately 3 set times a day when we could talk. Week 1 was very rough. He told me we'd settle into a routine. Week 2 comes along and it was worse than week 1 because he made plans every night that week. And on top of it he had all weekend plans too. I am fine with work. He has to work. I am fine with him having a life and going out in the evenings. I am fine with him being busy on the weekends. My anger stemmed from feelings of abandonment that were coming up because of the change. I was giving a preemptive strike by taking time away from him because I didn't want to hurt anymore and have time taken away from me. Not a cool thing to do, but PTSD brain was taking over and I was scared and not wanting to hurt anymore.

 

[Freida]

Oh I so could have written that post @EveHarrington ! Stay with me. No go away! Talk to me. Why are you bugging me! Be there on such and such a day/time for me. No I don't want to talk to you now! Yes I will be there to support you. No I can't handle you today!

And the idea of pushing him away to protect yourself is also one I used for a long time. Finally getting diagnosed with ptsd was a bit of a relief because it helped explain why I was such a train wreck in relationships.

Hubby had a hard time getting me to see that it was more hurtful to him if I bailed than if I stayed and let him know I was upset. Why o why he would choose raging beeotch over empty house was(ok still is) beyond me. But he was insistent. I just figured he had a screw loose or something. So it's nice to know your guy is as fabulous.(yep were gonna go with fabulous) as mine.

Oh! And I don't think you sound horrible at all....because you worked to fix it.....

 

[EveHarrington]

Oh I so could have written that post @EveHarrington ! Stay with me. No go away! Tal...

Yep!

In my way of thinking, people only want you around if you're good and can behave so that's why I disappear when things go south. Wait? You mean you want me around when I'm not at my best? (Foreign concept!)

 

[Deleted member 44240]

My only question is, how does one know if it's a break up or just isolation? It's so weird when it's happening.

 

[Freida]

My only question is, how does one know if it's a break up or just isolation? It's so weird when it's happening.

Its a hard question to answer because half the time I don't know. Am I dumping him or do I just need to escape for a bit? I've told hubby multiple times I want a divorce, only to realize 2 or 3 days later that I'm just overwhelmed by my ptsd. I honestly don't know how he puts up with me - but he's done it for so long that he doesn't get terribly wound up when I freak out anymore. I will say that since starting therapy those days have dropped dramatically because I've become more aware of my feelings of panic/run/escape and I've built a good support net to bounce those off of.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Its a hard question to answer because half the time I don't know. Am I dumping him or do I just need to...

The confusing part for me is he said, "let's take the relationship off of the table," which means break up. However, when I say that there's nothing left here for me and that I am planning to relocate, he becomes upset at the idea. Very confusing and hard to deal with.

 

[NaeNae75]

The confusing part for me is he said, "let's take the relationship off of the table," which means break up...

I hear you...mine has been wishy washy for 8 years! He gets stressed out and if I don't notice in time, BAM he moves out when I'm at work. Every single year! Sometimes twice. To him it's always a "breakup" but we shouldn't see other people and talk regularly, etc... its confusing. I haven't decided for myself this time if I'm willing to deal with it...

I hope you find some peace with your decision, whatever it is.

 

[Freida]

Every single year! Sometimes twice.

Is it the same time of year each time? Might be an anniversary reaction?

 

[Friday]

The confusing part for me is he said, "let's take the relationship off of the table," which means break up.

Are you sure? If I said that I would mean that

A) I'm calling a moratorium on breaking up -or at least my breaking us up- until things settle down. That no matter how much I might want to break up in the moment, the relationship is off the table / not a game piece in play. Other things can be changed around, but not that one, not right now, not by my hand.

B) I'm not going to work "on" the relationship until I've unf*cked my head enough to be able to be rational about what's working and what's not, except that -clearly- quite a few things need to be addressed. I'm just not in a headspace at present to do so.