B
B McDonald
Yes, have felt this, too. I have recently started dealing with a severe childhood trauma, talking about it in therapy. The trauma was giving me flashbacks, in the form of a sudden strong image of the event which would take over my senses. Therapy helped with this and the flashbacks eased off. One day, while sobbing with grief over the trauma, I caught myself thinking very seriously about killing myself, as if the decision was made and I was going to calmly carry it out. Of course there have been a few times in my life that suicide has crossed my mind, but I have never considered it this seriously. It just popped into my head, fully formed, with a plan and a resigned acceptance. It scared the shit out of me and for about two weeks, I was fixated on the shock of finding that I had really been prepared to do it, something that had never happened before. A few more times over the next two months, I would be having an upsetting moment and all of a sudden I would think 'just take the whole bottle of pills,' or 'maybe a box cutter on the wrist.' These thoughts were sudden and overpowering, it was only the thought of my family that kept me from getting close to doing it. They were also unprecedented and bewildering, as it was quite out of character. I would be deeply unsettled for hours afterward but be my usual self the next day. Apart from just going through a very hard time, I was not feeling depressed. In a lot of pain from grief, disoriented from being badly shaken from flashbacks and revelations, but not despairing or hopeless, so I wasn't going through the days thinking about suicide. It would just spring up without warning.
The last time it happened, I woke up from an upsetting dream and as I lay in bed, I looked up at the light fixture and decided to throw a rope over it and hang myself. I ran to the phone and called a friend, and just chatting with this person about nothing much was enough to make me feel normal again. It hasn't happened since. One thing to note, I went through the motion of getting the rope, with no intention of doing it, but just to play it out to see what it was about. When I put that rope around my neck, I felt a flash on intense anger, the one emotion that has been strangely absent in my therapy journey. The next day, I devised a punching bag and I am finding a bit of relief from hitting it. It's just a guess but maybe that anger is directed at myself. I was one of the 'lucky' survivors of the traumatic event and the guilt has been the hardest part.
I now wonder if these suicidal urges were a type of flashback, since there are strong similarities, like the sudden appearance, the compelling power of them, etc.
The last time it happened, I woke up from an upsetting dream and as I lay in bed, I looked up at the light fixture and decided to throw a rope over it and hang myself. I ran to the phone and called a friend, and just chatting with this person about nothing much was enough to make me feel normal again. It hasn't happened since. One thing to note, I went through the motion of getting the rope, with no intention of doing it, but just to play it out to see what it was about. When I put that rope around my neck, I felt a flash on intense anger, the one emotion that has been strangely absent in my therapy journey. The next day, I devised a punching bag and I am finding a bit of relief from hitting it. It's just a guess but maybe that anger is directed at myself. I was one of the 'lucky' survivors of the traumatic event and the guilt has been the hardest part.
I now wonder if these suicidal urges were a type of flashback, since there are strong similarities, like the sudden appearance, the compelling power of them, etc.
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