Anyone Else That Was Never Afraid Of Dissociating Or Even Aware Of It & Still Isn't In A Sense?

[Abstract]

When I say "afraid" I guess I also mean "freaked" by it if that makes sense.

I know I have spoken about this before in a different context so bear with me if you have had that conversation with me!:D

The realisation that it put me in danger at times or that it was maybe out of the ordinary only came in recent years even though I suspect I have been dissociating most of my life. I would be very surprised if not at least as far back as 5 years of age. That realisation was good as it brought with it the motivation to be present. That helped to counteract the very entrenched motivation to not being present under any circumstances!

I don't know to explain this but even now when I am perfectly aware of it's potential disruption in my life especially with something like therapy I don't dissociate in response to dissociating if that makes sense. I mean in response to the spiking of anxiety about the dissociation - I don't do that. I can detest it but I don't judge it in some sense. Part of me still loves it in some vague sense although I am totally dedicated to change.

The general stuff like looking down on myself from above or not being able to move a limb or falling or floating or not being able to feel sensations or pain etc I just observe and that is that. Like, "how inconvenient" or "oh, OK" and then on we go. Do the grounding or whatever else and so it goes on. I work to retrain myself all the time.

That does not mean that I don't detest it as a concept when it potentially puts me danger or stops me from being able to interact effectively with others. I am probably not making much sense so good luck to anyone attempting to make sense of this!

For most of my life it just happened and I never even gave it a moments consideration or questioned it. I never thought, "gosh, I am looking down on myself, how is that possible?". Much like my natural reaction to trauma or any situation I am sensitive to. It just was.

Just feeling a little :alien: and wanting to hear from others even though I do know there are some others out there.

Edited to improve the waffle!

 

[mytai]

@Abstract I don't have much to say in response, not in a good place today still, other than to say that I'm going through the same thing right now. My current T said I have a dissociative disorder which I've probably had most of my life. Doesn't really bother me for the most part that I am that way, but I'm just starting to realize with the help of my T how it is hurting me in situations.

 

[Madhather]

Abstract, for me, from my experience, dissociation saved me. My mind give me a way to survive what was unsurvivable. I understand what you mean about it putting you in danger as I have large chunks of time that I have no memory of. For me it has been about learning to recognize my trigger and with the help of professionals learn how to remain present when every cell in my body is screaming float away. It isn't easy and it takes lots of work and time. Here supporting you.

 

[anonymous]

Yeah. Today I "took the snooze" at least 4 times, for long stretches... noticing somewhat as I started each time and especially with sustaining and sort of allowing that eyes closed feeling to embrace me. I thought to myself (The other me) *yes, this is nice. This is my art of wake walking through my sleep-life.*

 

[Pencil]

Not really apropos to anything specific you said, or perhaps in response to the title - 'or even aware of it'. Dissociation is still a difficult issue for me. At first (when I came onto the site a year ago) I thought that I did not dissociate at all, but I'm beginning to see that what I always regarded as 'getting lost inside my head' might be dissociation. It is especially the fact that I HAVE to get lost inside my head for literally hours every day that makes me think it is not simply 'liking my own head' but something more compulsive. Not sure if it is dissociation or even if I'm making sense.

 

[Candleflames]

I dissociate quite a bit and I remember "checking out" a lot as a kid on purpose. It was how I coped. Now it irritates me for the most part. It's only the episodes where I lose control of my body's movements that scare me.

For the record I can still bring it on when I am feeling like I am about to reach my limit. It gives me some amount of control about how and how far I space. I much prefer a little bit early on then a full blown episode where anything can happen later.

Does that even make any sense?

 

[macca]

I didn't know I dissociated until recently. If something was too upsetting, I could just "zone out", but that just seems almost impossible the last couple of months. I've found that I can lose hours if I don't watch myself, though I suspect that I get this to a much lesser extent that yourself or others on here. I often "fall out" of conversations, I can hear the voice, but it is just passing over me like a wave. I've usually been on the over-vigilant side of the scale.

That's led me to another question - for a few years after I was 4 or so, I would go to bed and "lose control" of how big my body felt. It would feel like it would suddenly grow really huge, and then I'd try to bring it back because that was horrible, and it would shrink down to miniature, and then go back and forth and I would be desperate for it to stop. I've always wondered what in hell that was, and wonder if it was some kind of dissociation?

 

[franciemarnie]

I didn't know that I dissociated until I learned what it was and that I had PTSD.

I did it all my life so it was normal that in certain situations, I didn't feel anything emotionally, sometimes physically, especially in my face. It would be really hard to move my mouth and speak. I had nothing to compare it too. I was surprised the few times someone commented on my lack of response in totally bizarre or traumatic situations. I just figured that I learned not to bat an eye and turned off when crazy stuff happened because I grew up with it.

What bothers me about it most is that I am instantly "removed" from the present when someone has done something really xhitty to me, like Im suddenly in a very thick capsule, but I don't feel it or experience it until the numb wears off - then Im like, Let me at 'em! Let me at 'em!

But they're gone now and the situation is over. Very demoralizing.

That's been one of my main motivators in staying present and grounded - so I can react in the moment when someone does something inappropriate to me.

 

[digger]

I didn't even realise there was a word for it until quite recently, mostly I think because I didn't really realise there was an 'it' that needed a word ;)

I think I spend the majority of my time dissociated to some degree and have done for such a long time that it is normal for me. Not sure if this is going to make sense, but I'll try - I think if you 're someone who dissociated a lot of the time, then the dissociation itself kind of stops you feeling any fear of the dissociation. The times that it bothers me, now that I am more aware of it, are the times when I am consciously trying to stay present in the 'real' world. Being in therapy this is happening more and more. It has been a defence I have used for so long that it is scary letting go of it or trying to manage without it.

 

[maryiscontrary]

In defense of healthy normal levels of dissociating, I created all of my art and business (damn good business) creations while in dissociation, or daydreaming. I still struggle with it, and I have practiced mindfulness for a really, really long time.

I learned joomla, while entirely zonked out in my head, for instance. Planned my very elaborate and messy divorce, which was really organized, totally zonked out. Planned hospice and end of life tasks for 4 loved ones, totally zonked.

I mean, my dissociated state is really smart. But very slow and inefficient, strategy and execution of plans is very viscous, like molasses. With this last serious life threatening trauma, I would be at my keyboard and just freeze there for an hour or more at a time, just staring at the blue sky out the window.

 

[EverOnly358]

Hey @Abstract,

You're speaking my alien language here. :alien: I'm sure I don't fully understand everything you're trying to get at, but I certainly relate. Your post made a lot of sense to me. (Should I be worried about that? :confused: (I'm just kidding around. ;)))

So much about my trauma just was. I never really knew anything else. It started when I was 2-1/2 years old. It got worse over years, and first it was just beatings. Then from the time I was 12 until I was 20, I was having life and death abuse experiences every 3-5 weeks (my father would beat me until I started to scream and cry (I guess I was dissociated a lot during the beating part, and he wanted a reaction) and then he would throw me down and choke me so I couldn't make any noise). And it didn't really occur to me that this was a problem. I mean, it just was. It was all just so acceptable. With all this, few if any of my emotional or just basic needs (food, water, clean clothes, a safe place to sleep...) were being met by my only care-giver, my father. So, yeah, I know now... I spent SO much time dissociating. And I would zone out into books... not just reading and getting into the book, I would actually move in and pretend I was part of that world for hours or days. I had a lot of out of body experiences. I spent a lot of time believing I lived in another dimension... that I could see the world, but nobody could see me. I didn't have emotions most of the time, I just didn't. I could copy other people's emotions and act like one of the crowd as necessary, but it was all faking it. Later, as an adult, I was either a workaholic always picking jobs that involved one crisis after another... where I would dissociate to be efficient and get things done in an emergency (just computer stuff... but y'know) and later, when I became a stay-at-home Mom, I really sunk more and more into my own made-up worlds, almost out of a weird combination of boredom and overwhelm. I mean... I didn't know... I didn't know anything about PTSD until August 2013. I used to call it "writing a book in my head" and I would spend hours and days wrapped up in my own little world, which in many ways seemed much more real than the real world. (Okay, I'm gonna stop, I just sound totally nuts here! :O_o:)

All that being said... I'm equally afraid of dissociation and I love it. I'm used to it. I think it happens a lot more than I realize. There's a continuum, too... sometimes I totally black out... all senses are shut off... I'm not really asleep, but it seems like it. It's totally scary... after the fact. In the moment, it just doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Sometimes I just daydream. And lots of stuff in between.

So... I haven't had a driver's license in years. I'm afraid. I know a car is basically a two-ton killing machine if you're not taking the responsibility of driving seriously and well, I can't bring myself to take the chance (yet... I am getting better about dissociation, and having a license is definitely a motivation to keep working).

I went through most of my life, including the last 20 years, dissociating most of the time. Emotions turned off for the most part... while pretending to be perfectly normal and what people expected. I would really like to see a video of what was actually going on, it would be totally bizarre, I'm sure. Having my emotions back on now is difficult and frustrating and annoying. They screw up everything! Most of the time I can't even identify what they are. I have few ways of dealing with things yet. I'm learning. But if there are multiple stresses or I'm too upset... hell if emotions don't just screw everything up! I start babbling like a deranged maniac... but I'm making just enough sense that people take me seriously... when they shouldn't... they should just see that I'm stupidly trying to deal with emotions the only way I know how... with being too logical and intellectualizing it all and talking too much. (I'm sure that's not coming as a surprise by the length of this response. ;))

Right now, I'm seriously missing being able to get lost in my own world. It's how I used to deal with mania. The characters in the "book in my head" would do all the wild and crazy things I couldn't bring myself to do in real life, because I'm 40, married and have 3 children. I have to be responsible, there is no other option. I love being in my own world, it's really useful, sometimes I need it. It's all very confusing. It's like mania... sometimes mania is good, in a way... hell, I'm able to get outta bed (unlike when I'm really depressed) and the house gets seriously clean. ;) But, of course I hate mania, too. I have a real love/hate relationship with depression, mania and dissociation. I guess I've learned to live in a world where nothing's stable, the ground's always moving out from under me... that feels like home.

Anyways... I only officially learned about dissociation in August of this year. But I've been doing it all along, I think since I was at least 6 years old. It's comforting to me like a teddy bear you've had since you were a toddler.

I guess I spilled all this out here so you would know you weren't alone. And there are too many words because I can't seem to express myself well *and* try to be pithy. Everything's a novel with me.

But yeah, to attempt to answer your question as I understand it... I think I posted somewhere else on the forum once... "I couldn't feel any emotions... it was really scary." Huh? :confused: LOL! :laugh: Ironic. ;) I really sorta meant... there was this point where I couldn't feel any emotions, so nothing mattered, I knew/recognized what was happening, but there were no emotions so I couldn't react... and later, later I totally flipped out because looking back, the experience was so incredibly scary, especially when I was just coming to understand what was really going on with PTSD and I felt like I was totally, totally crazy. :eek:

Anyways... when I get freaked out about dissociation, I like to read this article again... https://www.myptsd.com/threads/dissociation-explained.13879/ It makes me feel smart and talented, rather than just really weird and screwed up (though I know I'm that, too. ;))

Gosh, I really hope this is helpful or what you were looking for.

D123

P.S. @mytai, I'm sorry you're not in a good place... feel better soon. :hug: (If you want them.)

P.P.S. @Candleflames, I used to be able to checkout on purpose, now I'm having trouble. But it used to be like my fuse box... if I reached a point where I wasn't handling things well, it was like I would blow a fuse and then go off into my own world.

P.P.P.S. @macca, I definitely had that grow too big, get too small feeling. Like I couldn't figure out how my body related to the world at all... like my body wasn't even really in the world, or it was trying to get in the world from another dimension, back and forth. Given that this was at times as a kid when I was seriously dissociated, I think it's all related. (I'm no expert, though.)

P.P.P.P.S. @franciemarnie, EXACTLY. People can be real jerks to me, and I can't even tell. I like, just drop all my emotions, my concern for myself, I'm not even a real person, and then I focus all my energy on the other person, trying to be nice to them and help them. WHAT? :confused: How does that even make sense? A person is xhitty to me and I act even nicer to them? GAH! Then two or three days later my actual emotions about being treated bad show up and I'm all upset and hurt and feeling hated and so stupid about how I reacted in the moment. It's so annoying! :mad:

Finally, this is the most ridiculously long note. I'm all manic but responsible, but I can't dissociate into the "books I write in my head" so what do I do... type stupidly long notes. I think I made some sense? I dunno. Please forgive me for the length of this note. I'm sure I'll regret it later... when my emotions show up and say... "What the hell were you thinking submitting this? Kinda stupid, y'know? How embarrassing!" GAH! :x3:

 

[The Albatross]

I didn't know what it was... until just over 3 years ago. I only knew that what I was experiencing was outside the normal. But I am aware now not only that I am prone to it but am keenly aware of the signs and symptoms before an event. I can take some evasive actions now... not that it always prevents the episode, but it mostly does.

In my view, these events are more instructive now as they give me the opportunity to use/practice the tools that keep me "in"... In what? In the moment, in my body, in the present. Sometimes it is actually easier to just bail... bail out and remote view stressful or fear inducing situations and let my body roll on "auto pilot". But that doesn't happen very much any more.

I had to learn how to "get back in"... how to not let the disassociate state drive me after an event. I got the skills I need to get back in and have my own self check to make sure I'm in afterward. It came from trial and error. It works mostly and that is good enough for me.

I can accept that I'm not every going to be impervious or "bullet proof"... and can now focus on the rebound in a relatively short time after an event. I can see in hindsight it was a self protective mechanism... and it do that, but the events that precipitated it are gone... I chip away at the hardwiring that trips me over to "there". Even though I've had a couple episodes in the past few months, I've been able to stay present in real time. Though not as well as I'd like it was a victory of sorts.

It is not my preference to slip into disassociative states. It is my preference to deal with things as they are in the present as much as I can bear. In my mind it is the equivalent to the refiners fire, forging metals by purging them of "impurities". An odd connection to make, no doubt... but it works for me.