Anyone Had To Cut Ties With Family Before?

[Beemo3780]

I recently made the move to cut all ties with my family, with the support of my therapist. They have been really awful people to me since I was a little kid. I was having a really tough time, because every couple of months they were doing something that they knew would hurt me, and then turned around and told me I was over reacting. Both my father and sister will gladly admit they are racists and xenophobic, which I find disgusting. They aren't nice people.

For example, years ago, my younger sister was pregnant and I threw a huge shower for her. I wanted to do something nice because I was just about to move to a new state and wouldn't be around as much. She's always been a spoiled brat and has been given everything she wants from new cars to my parents' house. But I wanted to be able to help with my new niece however I could. She wanted all these specific things for her shower, I ended up spending a fortune that I really didn't have, all for her to throw a fit that she didn't get everything off her registry. When my niece was born, I was still living 5 minutes away from her, she didn't even bother telling me. I found out from Facebook a week later. My father told me that she didn't want anyone at the hospital, but pictures showed that everyone was at the hospital. My sister also had another baby a year ago, and I had no clue at all because no one told me. The worst of it was when she went and got married over the summer, and my entire family was invited, but not me and my husband.

My father has been really abusive towards me since I was a kid to the point where I was just 5 years old and was literally ripping the hair from my scalp from the fear and anxiety. My mother had bipolar disorder and made sure I knew that she didn't want me, and could get violent really quickly. She died when I was in my 20s. I hate to say it, but I haven't missed her at all. My father continues to be abusive to me, and acts like I'm a burden to everyone, but he puts my sister on a pedestal. He makes horrible comments to me, and one time I was having a panic attack after my ex husband had attempted to break into my house, and my father just screamed at me how I should have died along with my mother because I'm ruining everyone's lives.

I get really, really upset and I feel like I'm constantly having to prove my self worth to everyone. I've had issues with trying to make everyone around me happy. I'm also a perfectionist and that's the worst because I put too many high expectations upon myself. If someone criticizes me, I process it internally and then try to over correct myself. I have to constantly remind myself that I'm smart, I'm a good person, I have a good job, and I have a lot to contribute to the world.

The last time I spoke to my father was a week before my sister had her wedding, before I knew about it, and I was telling him about the house we are buying, and he got mad at me asking how I could afford to buy a house. He knows how much I make at my job, but still acts like I'm incapable of doing anything. The conversation quickly jumped to him insulting me and my husband, so I hung up. My step sister thought I was invited to the wedding and just thought I couldn't make it, so she sent me pictures by text. That hurt, they had been planning the wedding for a year.

Anyway, I've been better since I stopped talking to them, but then I sometimes get really mad that they are like that. It hurts. Like I have no one that is blood related that cares about me.

Has anyone had to do something similar? Were you able to move on, and stop feeling like crap whenever you think about it? I want to just stop thinking about it.

 

[Thizette]

I cut off my dad several years ago and it was the best decision I've ever made for myself. His whole family thought I was being selfish and basically cut me off as a result, and blame me for that even though it was their decision to do so. I feel absolutely no guilt about it, the man gave me diarrhea--literally--every time I spoke to him. The hard thing about it, for me, was getting my mom's family to stop telling me I needed my dad in my life.

 

[Ironlady]

I recently made the move to cut all ties with my family, with the support of my therapist. They have...

I cut my parents off two years ago... it was the right decision but it hurts too. I rarely see any family anymore.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Yep, I had to cut my entire family off. Reasons are too much to type here and really dont matter. They dont believe me, they are abusive, gaslighting i guess, and overall unhealthy to be around. The count of family memebers that i had to cut was over 100.

My dad is the last one left and he is already being "corrupted" or whatever by them and he hasnt moved yet but he is treating me like I am just wasting space here on earth, am trash that should be taken to the dumpster. Theres not one little glimpse of love anymore. Which is why i was holding onto him so tight but he is already gone without being physically gone.

It hurts. Badly. The people that are supposed to love you no matter what. But i am surviving...thriving (i hope).

Im sorry about your family! :hug:

ETA:

Were you able to move on, and stop feeling like crap whenever you think about it? I want to just stop thinking about it.

Well I go numb for a bit but just keep pushing on and eventually find some inner strength.

Its hurts, badly, but my therapist's quote (which was about my family) "What ever other people think of me is none of my business".

You can thrive without them and make a support system with others that care!

 

[Blurred]

Your anger is completely understandable. I cut off my family several years ago. It was difficult but one of the best decisions I've ever made. It did mean that I lost relationships with 2 family members who weren't so bad but after 5 years was able to re-engage with those ones although the relationship is a bit strained as I still don't have contact with the others. There are times when I still want to talk to my father or wish he was around but now I realise that he's never going to be the father I wish I had so it's easier now. I did feel like crap about it for a long time - everything from sad to mostly furious and constantly questioning my decision. I was grieving the loss of my family - the anger was part of the grief process. Now I feel I was grieving the loss of the family I "wanted", but it was grief nonetheless. It's great that your therapist is supporting you with this.

 

[NatBird]

Yes. I did eight years ago. I started with a bit of contact (a phonecall or text one every eight weeks on average) over the last year.

It was one of the best things I did on some levels. I was able to get the space I needed for painful stuff to surface and to start working on the outer layer. I'm meaning the first layer of costume here, nowhere near skin!

It didn't bother me at first. It was only when I was totally alone that I'd notice the absence of family. It was more upset about a lack of supportive, caring family, rather than missing them. Then it started to grate around holiday season and meeting new people -eventually they ask about your family.

On other levels I can see I was avoiding a lot of stuff and continuing a deep family tradition of dissociating. I still carried them with me. I was seperated physically but not emotionally or psychically.

I guess I've learned that separating is useful to necessary for survival in a lot of situations. I feel like it was a good thing for me. The more I processed, the more loss I felt for what I didn't have, the more I thought about it but this came years after.

It gave space but I'm finding eight years down the road I'm back having conversations with family (mainly one member) conversations that feel significant to my healing process.

Hope this is useful in some way.

 

[Rogil]

Since my main abuse came from family, it took me a long time to realize that familial obligation isn't an issue when dealing with abuse. I had always wanted to gain acceptance from my abuser until I was old enough to know better. I don't speak with my family a lot (as they let the abuse happen), and I am distrusting and not close at all to the person who emotionally abused me as a child. I am a firm believer in the idea that your friends are the family that you choose--find someone, or a group of people, who make you feel whole and loved and appreciated. But also don't simply seek that in others, try to find that in yourself as well, which I know is easier said than done. In attempts to focus on myself and my happiness I have unwittingly secluded myself from my peers. Try to find balance.

 

[aut555]

So many people responded to this. Really shows how abusive families are. I did divorce myself from my family, but finally, l am recreating a family connection with my mom. It's sad when you are chosen to be the black sheep for whatever ridiculous reason. My stepfather just chose not to acknowledge me, and some of the family followed suit. But time moves on, family members do pass away, and people do regret the way they treated you (sometimes, lol).

 

[Beemo3780]

Wow, it's really good to know I'm not alone! I totally agree that your friends are your family. My best friend of over 15 years has become like my sister, and she even thought it was a good idea to stop talking to my father. She's always calls my actual sister a brat. People in general like me, and my husband's family seems to love me a lot.

It's just really tough.

 

[schmidt.aander]

I've been no contact for three years.

Initially I was flooded with one example after the next as to why I should remain NC. Over the past year I think about them less (and mostly in therapy). I've learned to sort of redirect my thoughts when they do come up to the family I had that were supportive. Instead of thinking about how abusive my mother was or how neglectful and hateful my father could be, I think about how loving and supportive my grandparents were and that better assists me in pulling myself away from my parents. My brother is also NC with my mother.

It just takes time and self-work which eventually leads to acceptance. That doesn't mean the scars aren't there (and I'm working through them) but outside of that context, I maybe think about them once every few weeks.

Should you make the decision to go and remain NC, you should also acknowledge you are taking care of yourself and prioritizing your own boundaries is an excellent step to unravelling some of the strings that are in there. Best of luck to you.

 

[Cannottakethis]

I have been slowly cutting my parents out of my life. My sister is already out. It will be a year for her next month. My parents are more difficult for me because of my own guilt, and my father is sick, but every conversation with my mother reminds me of why I need to do it. When my therapist told me my mother was a narcissist, I wasn't surprised, I'd heard it before. But when I read about daughters of narcissists, I swore they'd been in my house listening to my mom. Having that clarity has helped me realize that she will never change, but I don't have to accept it. I have vey strong boundaries with them now, and will move to no contact when my fathers health improves.

 

[justmeptsd]

I recently made the move to cut all ties with my family, with the support of my therapist. They have...

It's hard but I'm estranged from my family as well. I lost my mom this year and right after that my nephew was charged with child molestation. As a child my son was also hurt by him. Both my son and I gave a statement to investigator. Now my family has cut all ties to me. My son has decided he doesn't NEED or want me n his life anymore. He is n law enforcement and because of my ptsd he is embarrassed of me. He was all I had left. Now there is noone.