Anyone hate the sound of their own voice (figuratively speaking)?

[Abstract]

Unfortunately, they often seem to be sold separately

:D Exactly! Why is that?

 

[Abstract]

Hi Drew,

Thank you for all the lovely things said. I am attempting to take MD's excellent advice and let them in and not disrespect them by casting them aside. You are very sweet. Oh and don't worry about the blabbering stopping. It seems the blabbering goes on regardless these days. :rolleyes:

Thank you for sharing about your internal stuff. It is sad that so many of us have these issues but very helpful to not feel alone. And thanks for sharing how it changed with PTSD. It has been with me from when I can remember so it is harder to separate these things from how I maybe could have been.

sometimes my perceptions about myself and the world around me come in piece-like,

Yes. That is what it feels like. In this context much less than in some others where I actually feel so out of control in that way that I feel truly crazy.

Sorry it's like that inside! I relate to a lot of it. :(

At my worst my paranoia was so severe it was totally debilitating. Doing anything social was an absolute nightmare. The ruminating thoughts after were severe and relentless. I couldn't do anything else. I actually felt it was OCD ish in some respects.

I have a problem telling anyone anything about my personal world. I don't tell anyone any of my struggles. I was going to trauma therapy and my husband did not even know I was going to therapy let alone that there was trauma. The friend I have had since I was 6 doesn't know a single thing about my mental health struggles despite me being unable to work at various times amongst other things and having problems such as eating disorders from my early teens. Not one person knows about the PTSD. It's a very big deal for me to discuss this stuff. And I think one of the reasons is what you mention - that generally people don't get it. I am surrounded by quite profoundly superficial relationships actually so they are not ones where others offer me advice or where I offer it to them.

Going back to your first post I realised afterwards that I think some of this is down to some mother stuff coming up. My mother appears as sweet as can be. The manipulation and agenda are always hidden and wrapped up as other stuff. I have had another relationship that was similar and it fried my mind in certain respects. Whatever I think logically on an instinctive level I feel there is all sorts happening behind peoples words. Trusting is hard.

take that little self-critical demon and hold it in your heart and give it all the love and care that you can muster.

Those are beautiful words Drew. There is a lot of wisdom in them. I know that this is probably what I need to do but just the thought is enough to make me panic. I am a way from being able to do it but hopefully in the future I will manage. Sorry to say this but it is all I can do to stop feeling I want to kill it mostly.

I hope you take all your lovely words and thoughts for you too.

 

[Abstract]

Obsessing a bit about whether the first part of my reply to Hashi is true or not but I am just going to leave it otherwise my head may fall off from thinking so hard! :x3:;)

Sorry for being so long winded.

 

[Abstract]

I really hate my brain sometimes...

 

[Hashi]

Oh, Abstract... I think what you said made sense and sounded perfectly reasonable to me. Also, not trying to be profound but meaning this quite straightforwardly, what's true for us isn't something fixed anyway. It can change from moment to moment. And two or more different things can be true at the same time.

Hmmm, not sure if it's helpful to say that or likely to contribute to any more brain boiling... please ignore if so.

I hope you and your brain can be friends again. :)

 

[Abstract]

I hope you and your brain can be friends again.

Thanks Hashi. :) Me too. Wouldn't that be astonishing and nice. :wideeyed:

...and that was helpful, thanks.

 

[maddog]

Oh Abstract, your words always always always carry such eerie truths for me, I could quote your entire posts and claim them as my own (if the quoting feature didn't fry my own divorced brain so much that I can't face the prospect of trying).

I often bore myself, let alone how others must feel, with my incessant whinings about how much shame I feel and how it pervades everything I think and feel and do. It feels almost like a cliché or cop-out from the perspective of its repetitiveness, except that it is so overwhelmingly true that I can't escape it or avoid acknowledging it without blatantly lying, and I try hard not to do that here. Sadly, as you say, it is a self-perpetuating spiral, with shame leading to shame and hate leading to hate and all of the negativity feeding frenziedly on itself until it feels like a war in my head.

Hashi is right, insight should never ever be released into the public without its protective companion of self compassion, but sadly, even though they were offered to me together, I apparently decided that I could only take on one at a time, and I too chose insight. I have, truly, been known to distressedily say that I wish I didn't have it, and while I know I don't mean that in the greater scheme of things, there are moments when I think I truly do. It feels like an internal magnifying glass that eluminates all of my inadequacies in glaring supersize so thatI can't ignore them.

I am trying, really hard, to take my own advice and to allow myself to at least acknowledge the feedback and reactions I get from others, both here and in real life. Sometimes I do better than others, but I am working on it, sometimes even if only out of desperation for a reason to go on.

Tired now...

Maddog