Anyone Have Thoughts About Hurting The Person That Hurt Them?

[xena21]

I was wondering if others have thought about hurting those that have hurt them? How have you dealt with it? I obviously know that legally you can't just go out there and really hurt them, but I have thought about confronting one of the people that have hurt me and if anything happened then I wouldn't mind hurting them in any way. I would like to know more from them than I know now, and so if I confronted them than I think I could find out. I am not afraid at all. I really want them to know the fear I felt. Does anyone understand where I'm coming from?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If you do a confrontation you need to be prepared for any and every possible outcome. If a confrontation has a possibility of putting you in a bad state or making you spiral out of control if you don't hear what you want to hear, then I'd advise against it. Having said that, I did a confrontation a few years ago and I was ready for a worst case scenario. Turns out I got the best possible outcome, one I was NOT expecting in the least. But, from what I have read and heard, this sort of outcome is the exception rather than the rule. Most abusers won't admit fault or apologize as living in denial is much easier. Only you will know if you're ready for a confrontation. I suggest thinking it over for awhile before you actually do it. I thought mine over for a few months before I carried through.

 

[xena21]

I understand. Thanks Solara. I'm glad you got what you needed. Ya, I just want to know certain things that I can't remember. I am not afraid at all of this person. I have since been through the military and law enforcement and I'm just more afraid I may hurt him than he may hurt me. I still want to know things though. He did things to me that I can't remember. There are many days that I can't remember and I want to confront him. He is an older cousin that is supposedly sick now. Not that I care, but I just want to get a chance to confront him you know? I never got to confront my Grandfather or Grandmother and regretted that. I don't want to make that mistake again.

 

[Friday]

I plan for the worst case scenarios as my initial thought process. While I may also consider rabid success, failing to plan all but guarantees the worst happening IME. In this case the worst would be either that they killed me, permanently damaged me (paralyzed, disfigured, etc.), a bystander was involved and killed or injured, or I would spend my life in jail.

Very few people are worth those consequences. Esp on top of what was already done to rate making it onto my short list to begin with.

 

[scout86]

I have similar thoughts as far as wishing I could make one person in particular feel what I felt. I've got a few elaborate fantasies about scenarios that might instill a comparable feeling of fear, dread, and helplessness. But, that's what they are, fantasies. There's stuff I don't remember too, but I don't have any particular desire to remember it and I couldn't believe anything he'd say anyway.

I tell myself that these "people" are probably not capable of relating their own fear to what anyone else feels. I don't think they CARE what anyone else feels. Others, us, don't count in their view of reality. I don't think I could ever make any of these people recognize "Oh, that's what it must have been like, how awful." I could make them fear for their own lives and worry about how and when the end was going to come....
Like @FridayJones said, it ain't worth going to prison over.

 

[WillyKat]

I agree w/ Solara about the potential dangers of a confrontation. I've never been really ready for a confrontation. Besides he lives about 1000 miles away.

So…roughly 15 years ago I stumbled upon a factoid about how my state of former residence allows anonymous reports about sexual abuse, even years after it happened (and by that time it had been over 30 years). So I wrote a letter to the captain of the state police that managed these complaints.

This guy was great. It turned out that his office was located in the same town where my abuser lived at the time. The captain called me on the phone, told me they "ran" the guy through the database. Nothing turned up which of course only means that he's never been convicted or arrested. But then the captain took the extra step of "asking the locals" (meaning local, not state police). Nothing turned up there either. I felt like I had done just about all I could at the time.

Some years later, I found my abuser's address and wrote him an anonymous letter. I wanted to know I was still alive, that I hadn't killed myself, and that I remembered what he did, and that I reported him to the state police. I also told him that I had the addresses of his siblings, friends, and daughter, all of which is the truth. I said that I might, at any time, write his siblings or his neighbors and tell them just who he is. I told him that I wanted him to be looking over his shoulder for the rest of his life.

I can't recommend doing what I did, because there is risk involved, lots of it. I made sure that there was nothing in my letter that would reveal who I was, then mailed it from another city from where I actually live. Still, there is a possibility he could figure it out. And I'm OK with that; as far as I'm concerned, he can bring it on. But, in your case, you have to prioritize your own safety.

 

[Sarah542]

I have thought of hurting people who have hurt me, in fact I have thought about killing them and gone through how I would kill them . Still trying to deal with that. I have had urges to go and burn their house and wreck their cars. I actually was looking at hiring personal investigators to find out where this one guy lived so I could go there. Obviously haven't done that but scared myself. I too wouldn't care if i hurt them. I wanted them to feel my pain caused by them. It is really tough fighting the urge to hurt those people who have hurt you, when I'm like that i ring up a trusted friend or family member and talk to them. That usually makes me feel better.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I've definately had these feelings too abt hurting my abusers, I too have had thoughts on killing them or and confronting them. But since having my emdr I learnt to deal with things a lot more rationally , I have a lot of anger which I'm working on at the moment but if I did see my abusers again which is very likely as they are local id like to walk past them with my head held high and not in fear, to me i have won and it's better than having blood on my hands, unlike them I have a heart and wouldn't want to hurt their children by hurting their father , I'm a believer in God so personally feel I'd like to leave to him as I'm sure the punishment they will recieve will be a lot more severe than mine!

 

[xena21]

wrote him an anonymous letter. I wanted to know I was still alive, that I hadn't killed myself, and that I remembered what he did, and that I reported him to the state police. I also told him that I had the addresses of his siblings, friends, and daughter, all of which is the truth. I said that I might, at any time, write his siblings or his neighbors and tell them just who he is. I told him that I wanted him to be looking over his shoulder for the rest of his life.

I think that is tremendously brave of you! I hope you got what you needed from that. I can relate to that exchange very well, but not so much in the sense of accomplishment of my goal. I had a similar experience a few years back with a family member who abused me. I wrote a letter late at night and delivered it early one morning placing it under her doorway. It was also anonymous. I tried to scare her with it, but I never found out what became of it, and it only frustrated me because I felt like it never hit home. I wanted to confront her physically but she died soon after. My family had talked me out of confronting her that has still upset me to this day.

She is not the only one who abused me though, and like you, I am looking to strike fear into this other person who hurt me. I have searched for him and I haven't found him yet, but I'm almost there. I have no fear myself. I suppose that could be a bad sign, but my fear has long since gone away. I have only anger now. I want revenge. I want him to feel the fear I did as a child. I did feel fear then...maybe not now, but then. He is free to hurt people and should know what fear is.

 

[WillyKat]

I never found out the effect of what I did either. Generally speaking, abusers live in another reality and rarely admit they've done wrong, especially when they're confronted. Many of them resort to their common offense, that we initiated, wanted it, etc. And many of us that have confronted get that response and are re-traumatized all over again.

Also, we need to be very careful not to break any laws. I wasn't that careful, and I have no idea if an anonymous letter is legal. Remember the anthrax letters sent to congress and others about ten years ago? I think they were from fake addresses, so maybe the USPS is looking for that or has some fancy software to figure out if letters are from fake addresses before they go out anywhere. When I sent them, I sort of knew it was possible they would never get to him; but I figured so what? Go ahead read the contents and then decide whether to send it on or not.

My point is that breaking a law even if you don't intend harm to your abuser may backfire very badly on you. You'll be labelled, hassled, examined, interrogated. None of us would want that.

 

[xena21]

My point is that breaking a law even if you don't intend harm to your abuser may backfire very badly on you. You'll be labelled, hassled, examined, interrogated. None of us would want that.

I understand. I don't really want to go to jail. My desire is to make my family afraid without that happening, you know? I am looking for a way for that to happen. I am also angry about that individual's family, who he is still staying with. I fear for them in some way, because they could be victims. He is staying with his daughter and ex wife and I just wonder what he could have done to his daughter if he did what he did to me. It just makes me want to take action that much more.

 

[WillyKat]

Take a moment to recognize that you have great empathy to care for these people and to worry about them.