Dom Violence Anyone Tried To Take Their Abuser To Court?

[heyheyhey]

My relationship included sexual assault, as well as emotional abuse, a violent threat and instances where he shoved and shook me. I feel so stressed and pressured like I need to take him to court about the assault - but I feel hopeless and helpless like there is no point, I want to do it but I feel like I will be putting myself through a horrible retraumatusing experience that won't end up anywhere - I don't remember specifically when the assault even happened and we stayed together afterwards because even though I knew it wasn't 'right', I didn't realise that was what it was. It was also like two years ago, if not more (I can't even remember when specifically it was) - I feel like these things mean I won't have a hope in hell... I feel so stressed and pressed like people are saying "you should go, have to go", but having assessed it I feel like there is no point and I feel so powerless but I don't want anything to happen to someone else Dead Link Removed , yet stressed because I feel like people aren't understanding or can't understand... I've also studied how brutal and retraumatising that those court cases can be, to the point of women killing themselves. WTF is there no one around to help us? And not to mention, the a-hole isn't even in the country anymore.



Anyone have any advice?

 

[heyheyhey]

Being a victim of this shit is the loneliest experience in the world, I hate talking to anyone who hasn't been through it because they can't understand and everything they say just kills me

"you'd look at someone differently if they said they'd been assaulted, not that it would be there fault" ...


"if you get assaulted you have report it because the evidence says they will do it again"

..."really so what about when someone is raped by a family member? should they still go then - do you see how hard that is for them, how conflicted it is, how powerless they are?"

"is it wrong of me to want justice?"

...IT DIDN'T f*ckING HAPPEN TO YOU.

Great why don't you just fit everything into a tiny little box of conceptual understanding when you have no idea what the reality is like? Yet again, who has the victim's back? who understands? There's like nothing there, it's like standing on the edge of a cliff and looking into the void. I wish I could shed the history and i wish I didn't care what people thought. I learn not to talk about anything. What a great f*cking world we live in.

 

[Bliss]

This is cool I typed the following before I saw your second post

Hi:) I don't know if your country is the same or not, so my knowledge and expereince may not apply. Who is suggesting you do the court thing? Are they people that understand the current court climate, like shelter workers or domestic violence counselors? If so I would give these people's opinion a little more weight. Do you have a domestic violence counselor, someone who has been through it themselves?

 

[Bliss]

I asked the above, thinking the same thing your second post said, if they haven't been through it, I personally take it with a grain of salt, been through the physical mental sexual myself, went to a shelter for a month leaving him, then worked there for ten years. I'll be back on later tonight:).

 

[heyheyhey]

Thank you Bliss ^_^. Though these are just friends and family members with no experience or understanding. I've studied the CJS and rape cases on trial so feel like that's why I feel pretty hopeless and doomy... that's a good idea though :). I just feel very powerless and it's very frustrating when people can't even see or acknowledge that. Especially in relationship cases and you stayed with the person? I just feel like there's just no chance, but might as well just try if I can and try and speak to someone... I feel I know how it's going to go.. .but...

 

[heyheyhey]

I asked the above, thinking the same thing your second post said, if they haven't been through it, I pers...

Thanks for sharing Bliss that helps :) <3. They mean well, most of them, it's just they can't possibly understand - I suppose I would say similarly if I hadn't been through it, so I try to understand but it still stresses me out.

 

[Muted]

I been in several different situations and in each I handled it differently based the circumstances, resources and support.

I can tell you that a perpetrator who is sent to federal prison based on the evidence you helped gather and your testimony alone has to be one of the most empowering experiences a person who's been victimized can ever experience.

My biggest regret is losing contact with the detective that helped me, because at the time I had no clue of how him believing in me would later completely reframe how I viewed the trauma and horror and shame of what had happened.

I haven't ever regretted it and I know that my making that decision saved many victims. In this situation, I had the support and protection I needed and I healed from it better and more fully than any of the other situations. I got my voice back in that situation.

 

[Muted]

But, sometimes you have to cut your losses and walk away. In an ongoing situation where you have been victimized over a longer period of time, you tend to be far more depleted emotionally and the stakes are greater.

Sometimes you can only save yourself and that's ok. Saving yourself in itself is vital. If you've even made the report, it's there...if and when the next person they victimize come along, it will only be further validation somehow in their case...

 

[Esterio]

My relationship included sexual assault, as well as emotional abuse, a violent threat and instances w...

Thanks for the post. heyheyhey going to court over sexual assault having ptsd would be a very hard thing to do. The defence for the Perpetuator is always going to attack you as they think you are weaker. I'm not sure if I could endure that. I'm sure I'm not strong enough at this point. If you are in therapy I think I would go and talk to them before you get things started. I do agree that the bastards need to be made responsible and the only way to do that is the courts. I really think the courts are very unfair to victims of every type crime but sexual assault and abuse cases the victims get re traumatize. So it would be important to be in a good state of mind to do this. I admire your courage to think about coming forward and having him charged. I pray for your resolve.
Be Safe

 

[Esterio]

But, sometimes you have to cut your losses and walk away. In an ongoing situation where you have been v...

Thanks for the post. You make some good points.thanks. I never reported any of my abuse. It started young and I did not recognize it as abuse until I was 11 by that time I couldn't talk to any one about it for more than 30 years. I'm sorry about that. Feel broken and going to court would have been worse than what happened up to that point in time. I know that this was the cowards way out. I know that they kept on abusing kids. I was broken I didn't know what to do. I sure could not talk or tell anyone. I wished I had the support I needed then I may have reported it. Maybe I would have got help and not ruined my life. That was in the Sixties they didn't talk about Sexual Abuse. They swept it under the rug and the victim either killed them selves, turned into a drunk, a drug addict or a recluse isolated away. I'm not a drunk or drug addict anymore I am still isolated a lot. I wish I was able.
be safe

 

[Bliss]

Apology, I am learning this forum stuff I have good intentions, but I did not see the title "has anyone taken there abuser to court" I just read the post, sorry! Better to hear from those that have.
These are just my thoughts on this stuff, I certainly am no expert! I really liked your flower and encouraging us on the other thread so wanted to throw in what I have experienced, if it can be of any help.

Yes we should not write it off with out investigation, Gia story is an excellent reminder of that. If you could talk to court people, police or anyone and see if there are prior offenses that makes a big difference, if a detective or prosecutor feels they have a case, they know the person has done it repeatedly, that can make a big difference.

If your legal system is like ours, it is beyond frustrating! What I know about it from getting disability and being around the edges with it with dv is...the legal system has nothing to do with common sense or justice. It has to do only with laws, proof, facts, paper, pictures, hard copies of things, Eye witnesses, ect. In my opinion it has nothing to do with what actually happened, unless it can be proved. It only has to do with what someone can show happened, if that makes sense. Even then it has to fall into the weird legal talk, which again has nothing to do with common sense or intelligence.

If it was me I would talk to a lawyer and see if I have a case

I would want to know the current prosecutors, their feeling on DV. This makes a huge difference, the prosecutors in the town I am in want to prosecute these things right now, if some one had "hard evidence" this would be a very favorable place to to have a case.

The court system is advasarily, they will try and disprove anything you say. DV is one of the most emotionally messed up things because of the betrayal by someone who says they are loving and protecting us. It is nearly impossible to get a legal mind set around it. And the legal system frowns on emotion. So it can be very much like being re abused, even if some people believe the person, someone's job is to tear it apart. They want facts. Facts are hard to come down in DV! Nothing is clear everything is a muddled mess! That's why advocates are great, they can listen to the trauma, get the facts, then pursue. I could do it for others but not myself, too over emotionally overwhelming! But you are a very intelligent, resourceful person u helped me already with your tiger story and explaining somatic processing! So if you feel u want to investigate more, I'd go for it!

 

[Freedomfighter]

My relationship included sexual assault, as well as emotional abuse, a violent threat and instances w...

Yes, that is one danger that you will be retraumatized. That is such a difficult issue and everyone would have to decide for themselves which is right for them.
I would love to take my abusers to court, but then that would take time away from my healing. But I have the advantage of the care of an individual that knows these challenges and allows me to come to terms with abusers like that without risking my drowning in the aftermath of such assaults.
To say that this person is not only knowledgeable but extremely wise would be an understatement too.