General Apathy - How To Deal With It

[Aly_wife]

My Husband recently returned from his 5th deployment, 3rd combat deployment. He has been under treatment for PTSS for several years now and only recently received the diagnosis of PTSD because he is ETS-ing in the next 60 days.

We have been together almost 4 years, married for 9 months.

I recently left our home at Fort Drum to move back in with my parents as a result of his symptoms. Many wives complain of husbands becoming passionately angry, yelling, screaming, maybe even physically abusing them. I have a somewhat different situation.

My husband does have a very short fuse, his anger is scary and not something I like to witness. However, the worst symptom he has had recently is complete apathy. He has convinced himself that his life it too much, everything is against him, he is completely overwhelmed. Nothing I say or do can pull him out of his deep depression.

He can function just fine as long as his guy friends are around to drink and play video games but as soon as everyone leaves and it is just us, he freezes up. He chooses not to talk, he doesn't want me around. He doesn't want hugs, kisses, or affection at all. He "lets" me sleep on the floor or couch most nights because if my foot so much as touches him he cannot sleep.

He does not care if I am there, or if I am gone. He doesn't experience happiness, the only emotions he can express are anger and bitterness. He told me a few weeks ago that he no longer feels love or any connection with me. I can tell that he understands how much he is hurting me. He has told me that I should divorce him because he will never be there same and I am wasting my time staying with him. He feels guilty for pushing me so far away but has no desire to have me back, call me, text me, etc. He just doesn't care about anything.

I don't know what to do about this. As far as he is concerned, our marriage is over. He is refusing to send me any monetary support, essentially just moving on with life without me.

Is anyone else experiencing similar issues? Have you found anything that works successfully?

 

[amethist]

Hi Aly

This must be so hard for you to deal with, but unfortunately it can be part of PTSD.

It sounds as if the stress of trying to be the loving husband he once was is too much for him to cope with at the moment, and the depressive side of it has dragged him so far down, he probably does not know the way out of the hole he is in just now.

Being round his friends means he can be one of the lads, and does not have to be the loving caring man he was when you married him. That does not mean he does not feel the same deep deep down, he just cannot show it right now.

Maybe this link will explain a bit more of what could be happening to him at the moment.

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/#post-191843[/DLMURL]

He is struggling big time with what is going on in his head from these deployments, and nothing you can do will make a difference at the moment.

Hard as it is, you must take care of yourself. It will help you get through the tough times that may be yet to come.

Amethist

 

[Anna]

He has clearly stressed the relationship is over and is moving on with his life. You have to move on as well. It really does not sound like a reconcilation can be made. The fact he is fine around his friends but not when with you is not a good sign. Even if he was healthy this is behaviour of someone who is not interested in the relationship anymore.

You have to be strong. Think about yourself, you need to care about finances. I would seek out advice for your situation, especially about the money issues. Do you have children with him? You need to protect yourself, care for yourself.

 

[Pale Warrior]

How awful, so harsh.

Good advice upthread about looking out for yourself, he may or may not come back but you need to be in a good place whatever the outcome. PTSD is the mother of relationship nightmares, his emotional make up has been trashed and the outcomes for us supporters are often bleak.

There may some light at the end of the tunnel if he gets therapy/meds and is prepared to stick with the process. But right now he is in no place to be the man you need.

Take some time to research combat PTSD, arm yourself with knowledge and take strength from knowing you are not alone.

(((((HUGS)))))

 

[sisu]

(((((Aly_wife))))) I am so sorry you are going through this and feeling so lost and in pain. PTSD just sucks!!

He is able to hang with his friends to drink and play video games because it is an escape. No thinking involved - just an auto-piloted escape. Sort of a "brain vacation" if you will. And sometimes video games can actually calm someone with combat PTSD down if the game involves military style fighting and shooting - sadly this can be a comfort zone for them. Once is is back in the "real world", all the feelings and thoughts he is trying to avoid come crashing back.

You don't say whether or not he takes meds or gets counseling. The VA is usually pretty good about offering both - but it would be up to him to take advantage of those offerings. (again I am just assuming the VA as he is military) If his PTSD is un-managed, then the man you are trying to talk to right now is not the man you know and love. He really needs to take his meds and get counseling. It doesn't seem that he will listen to you right now, but maybe he will listen to one of his friends. Can you talk to one of them?

Once he is managing his PTSD better, he will feel better and hopefully not feel so apathetic. That apathy you see in him is severe depression and the fact that he cannot see past it all right now.

Please read all you can about PTSD - and ask as many questions as you like. There are lots of amazing supporters on this site who can help you feel not so alone. Be kind to yourself - do something special just for you at everyday (if you can), something that makes you smile - even if it's just taking a bubble bath or watching that silly reality show that no one knows you secretly love. :p

What your husband is going through right now IS all about him - not you. They sometimes like to blame the ones closest to them because they are the most comfortable around those people. Again, I am sorry you are going through this. Take care!

Sisu

 

[TSG]

This happened to my best friend after her husband's return from his 4th deployment. She stayed no matter how hard he pushed her, how abusive he got, how many times he left to go find someone at a bar to have sex with and even after he forcefully sodomized her as punishment for not leaving. She stayed through it all. After that last, her sister and I finally talked her into taking action instead of just waiting for "her real husband to come back" (her sister is also military).

My friend went to her husband's commander who sent her to the chaplain. His entire chain of command became involved. It was humiliating for him, he was afraid for his career and angry as hell at her for doing it. He was sent to mandatory counseling and marriage counseling. Today, they are HAPPILY together and doing just as awesome as they were before it all happened. It's as if that dark man he had become isn't even there anymore and they are back to being affectionate partners and the best of friends.

I can't swear it always works out. I can just tell the story as I watched it unfold...and the happy ending.