Are Long Periods Of Dissociation Unusual?

[Evelyne]

I realize that symptoms are likely different for everyone, however I was wondering if it is unusual to be dissociated more often that not. Rather, I suppose, I want to know if anyone else experiences the same thing I do. I have yet to bring this up to my therapist because I seem to function much better when I am in a particular state of dissociation.

For me most days are spent in a mode where I feel as if everything that I do and feel is being done and felt by someone else and I am only doing and feeling vicariously. If I had to put a number on it the average is 4 to 5 days out of the 7 in a week. It can be rather unsettling but it also makes it easier for me to deal with the emotions as they seem to be unattached to me.

On the other hand, I do sometimes become even more dissociated to the point where I don't feel real at all. At this point I tend to panic and start to try to ground myself through tactile sensations, however this usually ends up in me causing myself pain in order to ground myself.

. I am also somewhat worried that my therapist might suggest I go to a mental institution again for a while. I appreciate any input or feedback on this situation as I am unsure what to do or if this is even something my therapist could help me with.

Thanks to all and take care.

 

[anni]

Hi,

I do think, from what you say, perhaps are worrying too much about your T's reaction? We are SO easily SO tough on ourselves that anything we're experiencing goes straight to the 'This Must Be Awful' box, I think. If this is why you've hesitated bringing it up to your T, hence giving you the comfort of being able to process some sort of answer, it seems to be you'd be quite safe. You are not a danger to others nor in anyway, in speaking of this, showing signs of harming yourself, either-both the big fat flags which could conceivably have a T thinking about your need of respite and treatment in-house. I'm SO not a professional, but yes, it's awful for you not to be able to feel much of anything throughout your day however, it's not indicative of a psychotic break or some slow slide towards something else awful. Perhaps you're viewing the world sort of through several levels of filters but it is still you 'at the controls', hence in control. you know?

There are a lot of takes on disassociation. I personally get kind of lost when I attempt to read the various technical explanations, although have and do pretty much understand the dynamics. You did put your finger on a few points with this, so it sounds as if you have a very good understanding of things, really. Mine always FEELS to me as if my head is protecting me from plain old pain, and creating distance for me, however intrusive I might find this to be. I mostly fight it these days, since I do know I'm pretty much able to process and deal with whatever pain or dynamic my head is trying to tell me is going to not feel at all good. In the past, there were indeed whole days when there was just no choice but to tool around on automatic, sort of viewing things from a safe distance. Plus, there were frequent episodes of checking out entirely with zero memory-just noticing i was 6 exits beyond where I needed to get off the highway.

Since you're in therapy, you're obviously addressing things and working to get better. Your T can no doubt help you with how far you should push yourself out of this, since sometimes experiencing the pain simply has to be done to move through it but sometimes is further traumatizing so it's baffling, I know. I do not mean to come across as if I KNOW toooo much, but you just sound as if you were being a little tough on yourself, so possibly making things worse with this. Everyone really is different with this thing also, so could of course be wrong. I can only say what has been the case for me personally, you know? I hope at least you can find information here on the forum which will be helpful, and until then, do take care! :)

Anni

 

[Jade-]

Evelyne, I can relate to what you're saying. I dissociate often. Sometimes it feels frustrating because I 'want' to feel but I can't. Other times I'm glad that I'm able to do it, because it gets me through rough times. I spend a majority of my time going through the motions like a robot without any connection. I don't know how often I dissociate exactly but I do know it's more often that not.

My T. told me I have a dissociative disorder. He said I'm so used to doing it that it has become like a drug. He said the bad thing about it is i'm missing out on life because i'm not really experiencing it. He said as I heal, I won't need to use it as a defense mechanism, I will be able to stay in the hear and now and face things instead of dissociating.

Don't be afraid to discuss it with you T. I'm sure he/she already knows anyway. You may have dissociated during a session and not even realize it. And if he/she is treating you for PTSD, then he/she obviously know it's a part of it anyway.

I wouldn't expect your T. to suggest you go to a mental institution because of it. If that were the case, I would already be in one with no hope of being released.Ha.

And yes, it is something your T. can help you with, but you have to be open and honest with your concerns and discuss it.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Evelyn,

I am almost always at least a bit dissociated and have been as long as I can remember. Memories get clearer prior age 5 so maybe mostly from then. I was so disconnected from myyself I never questioned it until recently and then initially only the more severe incidents where I have been totally frozen or have been toatally outside my body and looking down on myself. It is only in the last two or so weeks I have realised I am still almost always distant from myself with a dizzy distorted sense of what is around me.

Your t is very unlikely to send you off just for this but it is important tto tell her as she can then have a more accurate idea of what is happening for you. It is sure to be affecting the therapeutic process too and she can better resopond to you in therapy if she knows.

I have had such horrible misunderstandings in therapy as a result of neither the t or me knowing what was happening. They sometimes thought I was just being uncooperative. :(

Discuss it with your t and she can support you with this. It is just a coping mechanism gone wrong and nothing to be ashamed of.

 

[kers]

You won't be committed for this. Really. It's not even considered "crazy." I had the same fear, though! My therapist was the one who finally broke the news to me that I was dissociated far more than I was present. Rather than fighting it, I have learned to live with it, and it dominates my life much less now that I've done a lot of trauma processing. The thing is, this coping technique became hardwired in us at a very young age, and it does, in its own crude way, work to protect us. Expecting it to disappear from our lives is, unfortunately, probably not realistic. But you can definitely lessen its impact in your life. Talk about it with your therapist--the conversation will be very helpful, I bet.

Have you ever meditated? In meditation, you focus on your breath, and when you realize your mind has wandered off, you don't chide yourself or get mad with yourself, you just gently bring your attention back to the breath. For me, the same technique works with dissociation. When I realize I'm gone, I gently bring my mind back...and there it goes again. Over and over I bring my mind back from that dissociated place, without getting mad or impatient. It's not bad to dissociate. It can have effects you don't like, but it's not bad or wrong.

 

[Abstract]

Kers is absoutely right and remember too that worrying about this tends to make it worse. I find it helpful to be accepting and at the same time conciously attempt to stay present.
It may also help to know that every human being dissociates at some point. Driving from a to be and not remembering how one got there is a form of dissociation.

 

[Brontie]

I don't think Evelyn is around any longer, guys. But still an interesting thread.

According to recent psych-doc reports, I have been dissociating on and off all my life. It was something I did as a child in order to protect myself. I became aware of it in my twenties when the 'danger' had passed. I didn't seek help with it then because I didn't know what was happening and I thought I might be going crazy.

The dissociation was aggravated by the fact that I was now married to a soldier and struggling to bring up three children. I was treated on and off for serious depression. It was many years before I came clean and explained what I had really been dealing with. The help I got led me to read up on some stuff that gave me some amazing insight and life began to get easier.

I still dissociate but it doesn't have the same frightening or confusing effect that it used to have. I'm not making light of what you guys are speaking of. Before I had the understanding I have now, it used to frighten the bejesus out of me. Now I just accept it as a part of who I am because it's been around for a long time.

That 'wimpy' (used with affection) part of me buggers off and leave me to deal with everything.

And, as it has been explained to me, the healing consists of understanding, acceptance, and the knowledge that as the dissociation becomes less intense, I actually become stronger more able to cope with life and stuff.

I only post this because I know the fear of the unknown is what makes things worse. We all deal with these things in different ways, some of us are coping quite well and some of us are not. And I believe the difference is that some of us have the relevant information and some of us don't. I think once we know what is going on and why it is going on we can be less afraid of it. And being less afraid means we are calmer and being calmer we can take a step back (association joke in there somewhere

) and take a look at how things really are and how they are really effecting us.

I read somewhere that it was called 'the creative illness' and that only smart people do it. Dissociation is a creative coping tool. It's your mind and body's way of dealing with life events that may overwhelm you, and may even cause you to lose your mind.

 

[Powder]

I used to dissociate a bit during a good massage. Just having someone touch me, even in a safe, positive mode, would make my mind want to go numb and wandery. She noticed it and said in a playful way, "Whoo, where'd you go?" :) I appreciated the feedback as I had really thought that it felt good to "daydream-dissociate" during getting a massage and that everyone did it. I really had no idea it was dissociating. I just felt like I was flying in a dream, flying away to a faraway, imaginary place.
The meditation idea sounds good as a place to start! I will think on that. It's darn near impossible for me now with two kids, one being a high energy, high demand baby. But I do what I can.

Anyone else had the massage experience or any touch doing that?
Muse