Are Many Of You Flexible Liars?

[anonymous]

I'm an accomplished liar. One of my earliest memories, I first realized I had to lie to protect myself. But my lying got me in trouble once it was no longer necessary to survive. Only in the past year, I started to work on not lying day in and day out.

I've definitely gotten better, but I still have gray areas:

• If a friend asks a question, and I know she won't like the answer, should I find a way to politely speak my mind, or lie? Lately I'm trying to be quite honest, even when I feel I don't want to share. I still am professional when appropriate, so it's not like I don't have a filter. I'm just trying to break down my filter.
• If there's a button I can press on my cell phone company's website that doubles my data allowance and saves me a little bit of money, do I press it? I know they don't mean for the button to do that. But I have been pressing it....
• There are plenty of other ways to get discounts and free stuff from companies. How shady does it have to be before I won't do it? One of my old jobs was basically to defraud another company. It's scary how often businesses intentionally defraud each other.
• How openly should I speak about health and PTSD? I had been talking with friends about PTSD. Then, a friend told someone else, it didn't cause any problems, but I didn't give him permission to share, so I felt weird about it.
• What about law breaking? Sometimes the benefit of breaking law exceeds the risk of being caught. Simple as that.

That's all I think of for now, but there are hundreds more i'm can't think of. Does anyone have thoughts?

 

[Digz]

Yes, I can be very good at lying in the right situation. My lies are generally about self-protection and avoiding things that I once believed would lead to violence or 'punishment', as was the cause of my trauma. If I stuff something up, if I do something little, like eat the last biscuit which I think someone will want, I would lie about it, somehow not making it my fault because I fear they will get angry (even though I know logically they won't) and hurt me.

On the other hand, I have never stolen anything, I have never hurt anyone. I cannot lie to my husband about anything 'important' and would never.
I think the big thing about these lies, certainly for me, is that they're ingrained, fear-driven lies that I use to avoid people possibly becoming angry with me - because in similar situations as a child things may not have ended well for me if someone had found out that I'd done whatever it was.

 

[jaccat]

I don't lie. When I was little my family decided I was a liar. No matter what I said to them, about any subject, as far as they were concerned it was a lie. So I decided as they weren't going to believe me no matter what I would never lie to them because that way I knew I was better than them. They lied all the time.

Nowadays I can be incredibly blunt. I have to step back at times and consider how to say things in a way that people won't take wrong. If I see someone doing something suspicious I'll always report it, regardless of consequences. I have been responsible for getting people fired at work because of that and the weird thing is I don't care one bit.

Yet when it comes to me I don't say much at all. I don't lie. If someone were to ask me a direct question I would answer with honesty, but people don't tend to ask. People see me as a very private person. When they talk about their families I don't join in. There was a situation last year where I was listening to two guys moaning about how unfair their parents were when one of them apologised to me, under the assumption that I had no such experience. You can imagine what was going on in my head right then!

The only thing that might class as a lie is when people ask me how I am. My standard response is 'fine'. But this has more to do with the fact that most of the time I don't know how I am, more than masking anything. Asking me how I am is equivelent to asking me about rocket science most of the time.

 

[GWhizz]

@jaccat my family also insisted I was the liar. I guess it's a way of keeping us quiet, 'no one will ever believe you' sort of thing. I was actually called a compulsive liar so much, and told that because I lied so much I actually believed myself. This led me to believe I was actually making things up, that it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. Now I'm so confused I don't know what to believe sometimes. Basically I grew up in a web of such deception, I now detest lying. And so I do my best to live by a code of honesty, to live my truth with my own values and morals.

 

[Friday]

Meh. I can lie. I just fail to see the point unless lives are at stake.

 

[garden]

I was about 4 or so when I told my abuser a lie with the hope that I would escape a beating and it resulted in a more severe beating, and verbal abuse about said lies that lasted for what felt like days. I was always being portrayed by this abuser as a liar. My abuser used to confuse me and ask me questions that I was too young to comprehend and properly answer, but I would attempt to answer and my answers would result in my getting a beating.

I decided back then to just tell the truth because I knew that I was not a liar, and I knew my abuser was no good and I believed that he was the liar and I did not want to be like him. I told the truth because it was all I had, and despite what they said, I knew that I was telling the truth, and this gave me some sense of self...somehow. Also, life was already too overwhelming, and telling the truth was simple, where lying took work. I found telling the truth to be less stressful, since the beating would come either way....

This has had negative repercussions. For example, we just went on a short weekend road trip. Along the way I would only use rest stops if I needed to use the bathroom, unless we were also stopping to buys stuff. My reasoning for this is the negative part. I always see the 'restroom for customers only' sign and then I buy water and gum before I can use the bathroom. My husband walks straight in and uses the bathroom and then leaves without buying, and without guilt..he doesn't think twice. To me, using the bathroom without being a customer feels like a lie, so I buy something even though I don't want/need it. I don't project this on others. I know my husband isn't a liar. But my poor sense of self worth is what motivates my actions. I got the message that I was not worthy (just as I am) to have my basic needs met, so I have to do something that makes me worthy. I literally do not feel that I am entitled to relieve myself unless I comply with the rules, otherwise I'm a liar. I know this makes no sense.

Also, I'm not even good at it. Apparently I stutter, and my face gives me away. The people closest to me know this. I will remain silent and change the subject, or just not answer if I can get away with it. If I'm pressed still, then I just tell the truth....

 

[holdenmonty]

I suck at lieing mainly because my memory sucks and I can't remember what I said if it's a lie. Plus I hate it when somebody lies to me well except about my stuff I usually change the subject or find a way to escape. But most people where I work say how's it going as more of a hello and they don't really want to know how you're doing so I usually just say pretty good

 

[HëllaBubz]

I'm an accomplished liar. One of my earliest memories, I first realized I had to lie to protect myself. But my lying got me in trouble once it was no longer necessary to survive. Only in the past year, I started to work on not lying day in and day out.

Same here.

I am extremely good at it, but I choose not to. Lying is what my abusers were all about, and I'm better than that. I will be honest even when it hurts.

 

[OneWing]

Everyone lies socially, without even realizing it. "Does this dress make me look fat?" lol
But I find that people who think they are "good lairs" are often only good at deceiving themselves into thinking that other's believe their lies. There are a few people who I know that are habitual lairs, and they think they have the whole world fooled.

Personally, I just try to remain honest. I don't consider it a lie to hide my anxiety. How I feel is just my own business. I don't want to walk around a mess all the time. lol Besides, it's probably an evolutionary thing for men to avoid showing weakness.

 

[ihateusernames]

I am an excellent liar in the sense that I am really good at making people believe what I tell them, if you knew me in person you would understand why, I come off as the innocent, upstanding, puppy rescuing choir girl sort, but I absolutely hate to do it. I hate it so much that I was once hired on to help with a fairness in housing study and I had to quit because I couldn't bring myself to "pretend" to the realtors. I may tell social lies every now and then, but for the most part I try to get around even doing that and will usually change the subject instead of speak a half truth. I forbid myself from engaging in manipulative behaviors. Obviously there is some gray area that sometimes it is necessary to cross into, but I'm sure you get what I mean.

To add- in the instance with the tea bag I would have reacted the same way. It would have have eaten me alive to have not paid the full price.

 

[OneWing]

A woman with puppy dog eyes can usually get away with anything. lol I remember when I was young the first woman I loved was literally a choir girl with puppy dog eyes. Everyone thought she was so innocent, but she was probably the most evil person I've ever known. lol
I don't blame you for being insincere about a housing study though, a lot of people in housing are bitter, self entitled and ungrateful.

 

[ihateusernames]

I always see the 'restroom for customers only' sign and then I buy water and gum before I can use the bathroom....

I am exactly the same way. Even without a sign I feel guilty. And I always feel like I'm a burden and in the way and just like you say- like I'm less than and need to earn the right to the most basic things. Other people can go blissfully through their lives never feeling this way. I'm often envious of them.