Are Some People Just Too Damaged To Heal?

[Abstract]

I hate the lack of control over my mind, so much. It's distressing knowing I'm doing something that I am actually trying to fight against.

And I hate it that my T knows how I'm doing even just by my breathing. I hate being watched and evaluated.
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Totally totally get it and relate (even though I know we are all unique). It is horrible and I hate it too. I feel totally helpless and vulnerable.:inpain:

((((((Shellbell))) if OK.

 

[Shellbell]

Thank you and hugs to you too (((((Abstract))))).

I think a lot of people relate to all this.

Feeling watched, unsafe, vulnerable, helpless, not in control. It's no wonder we dissociate, or numb, or avoid - it's all danger to us. Danger that has caused way too much pain and suffering in the past.

Getting to a safe place in the process of healing is imperative. There can't be healing without it.

 

[MomOfTwo]

I can completely understand why you don't feel safe. I never feel safe. I do not feel safe anywhere. My therapist does not want to do EMDR until I have better coping methods in place.

My therapist never seems to have an agenda and I think sometimes as clients we need to give ourselves that space as well. I think that we can get so caught up in what we feel we need to accomplish in therapy that anxiety takes over and we end up not getting what we could have out of the session. Many sessions do not involve talking about past abuse. I don't think I could cope if that was what every session was about. I think years of abuse cannot just be handelled in a couple of months or a couple of years. It may take several.

I am so sorry for what you went through throughout your life. I think you are such a strong compassionate person that has so much to offer.

 

[Shellbell]

MomOfTwo, thank you, I appreciate that :hug:

I'm sorry you don't feel safe either. It is a fear factor that is severely debilitating. I think your therapist is right and it is too much to talk about the trauma in every session. I'm glad your therapist is taking it as slowly as you need it.

And you are also right in how long T will need to take. It is overwhelming when the realisation hits as to just how long it may take and I think it can be on ongoing process for many years.

When I consider I have had nearly 4 decades of trauma and abuse to deal with, it is so clear it will take a very long time. Seems like a massively daunting prospect, but one that has to be done very slowly and very carefully.

 

[MomOfTwo]

I can only go to sleep with the tv on. They say it is not good to sleep with the tv but unless it is on I cannot sleep. I feel safer with it on. My starting point in healing I think would be to feel safe. I feel like that is not going to be an easy task. A good night sleep is something I have not had in years.

I am glad you are getting some help with your trauma. It is not easy to even talk about. I think some therapists have a hard time dealing with extreme trauma as well. I worry about traumatizing my therapist even though she is supposed to handle it. I guess they can become masters of dissociation as well. You would need to in order to listen to some of the stuff that has gone on in people's lives. I have found that some posts are too triggering for me to read completely and I feel guilty about that but I just can't at times read stuff.

 

[Shellbell]

MomOfTwo, I don't think you should feel guilty at all about not reading triggering posts. I think that is self care and necessary. I've stopped reading trauma diaries, not because I don't care, but for that reason - they are too triggering.

Alot of what you say I relate to, the lack of sleeping, not feeling safe, slow speed of T, worrying about traumatizing my T. I go to sleep with my TV on and have it on timed and it goes off after I've fallen asleep (medically induced).

When my T asked for my trauma/abuse timeline I had previously written, I was convinced she was going to drop me and say it was too much. But she didn't. Although, it was then she started talking about how slowly we need to take in T. She told me the timeline was very difficult and painful to read and I apologised. She told me I didn't need to apologise, but I felt terrible anyway.

 

[Pencil]

Feeling watched, unsafe, vulnerable, helpless, not in control. It's no wonder we dissociate, or numb, or avoid - it's all danger to us. Danger that has caused way too much pain and suffering in the past.

Getting to a safe place in the process of healing is imperative. There can't be healing without it.

It is the watching that gets to me - the dispassionate, impassive watching with, what I see as mild curiosity or interest, that totally, totally sends me right back.

 

[raven123]

Shellbell,

I feel exactly the way you do. I didn't feel that way 16 years ago when I went looking for help from childhood abuse and childhood sexual abuse, was positive I'd find help and instead found some self-serving therapists who only cared about the money I gave them. They just bullshitted me. Today, I'm just have no money for therapy and am suffering with Emotional Detachment. I read that on this site last night. It made a world of sense. No idea how to fix it and wondering if I want to. The pain went away. I've never really felt the good emotions, except Bipolar highs, so wondering if I want to fix the emotional detachment/depersonalization. It's much easier just faking every emotion rather than having them.

Honestly, healing, as I've come to understand it, takes a few things like the ability to even get therapy (i'm broke) and a support system (I have none offline and little online).

Do I think I'll find healing? I really don't know. Without a good job and insurance, nope for sure.

I went through the Courage to Heal over the past week and couldn't answer one "how do you feel?" question. I have no idea how I felt during the abuse, after it and today. I feel blah, nothing really. I'm glad cause I got sick of the pain of it and not knowing how to get rid of pain. Faking emotions is easier.

Do I want to stay blah and have few emotions? I don't know. Since I really have no clue how to fix my other issues with sex abuse and emotional abuse, if I don't have to feel pain, I really honestly don't know. When I couldn't answer those emotion question is the CTO book and felt blah, nothing, I was like, this isn't bad.

Am I too damaged to heal? I don't know. I just know my attempts to get help have bee absolute disasters in the past. Is there any help? is more my question.

 

[MomOfTwo]

Your therapist sounds really good. I would rather a therapist take it slow then want to rush through the trauma and say "you are fixed". My therapist said that EMDR is more difficult with multiple trauma's. I think you need to be able to feel a sense of safety as well.

It sounds like we are very similar. I take Zoplicone to sleep and have my tv on timer as well. I feel guilty though because it annoys my poor husband. :)

I think as well that we do not see our own strengths or see our improvements. I stood up to my sister for the first time in my life and would have not done that previous therapy. Even though I think I have miles to go I am seeing myself metres ahead of where I was previous to therapy.

 

[Shellbell]

Raven123, I relate to all you have said.

I'm really sorry your therapy didn't help and you cannot afford any more and don't have a good support network. I really feel for you.

I think the only highs I have ever experienced are the bi-polar type highs. Or the alcohol fuelled, fake highs. My 20 year period of complete denial, was all fake emotions - which I desperately wanted to believe in and convinced myself were real.

I'm not sure how long I can finance my therapy, my husband is on a pretty low wage and I can't work, so we may not be able to sustain it financially. And that scares me. We have no insurance either.

My support network is reducing, with me cutting off my Church related support this week, as I cannot handle all the triggers and emotions that go with all of that.

The feeling numb, or nothing, is so much easier than feeling the real emotions. I get that. I fake it all the time around my children, I switch on the smile and try really hard to connect, but it's getting progressively more difficult.

 

[therapybankrupt]

I wonder if I am just hanging on to an imaginary recovery. I feel like I am functioning far worse now after starting EMDR than before. I do not know how much longer I can take this. I want to go back in time and take a different path. I want it all to go away. This is miserable. I am tired of using tools. Why can't a day just be lived without so much work? I hate everyone who ever hurt me! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!

 

[Shellbell]

Therapybankrupt, I am really sorry the EMDR has made things worse for you. I really am.

This is all really so hard and I understand that. It feels like a constant battle and one that requires more energy than I ever have.

I think many people will relate to how you are feeling, I do.

Sending you a hug (((((therapybankrupt))))). I hope that's okay.