Are Some People Just Too Damaged To Heal?

[Shellbell]

EMDR is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It's a PTSD therapy for processing trauma.

 

[Debbet]

Thank you for letting me know, I am just beginning my journey to healing, hope, health? And the more I know the more I realize how much more there is to know.

 

[Debbet]

,Brat17, there is much good in the world yet, it is hard to seek it out and SEE it when we hurt so badly. Sometimes I have to shut out what is right in front of me to see beauty(the lovely fall colors, which soothes me sometimes) or kindness(sometimes just a stranger holding a door open). At other times I can't focus on anything but my internal pain and nothing seems to help. then it is just hanging on until that time passes.

There are times when I find myself on the floor unable to rise and exhausted from hurting and when enough time has passed I do get up and weakly pull myself to a chair to catch my breath. At those times I wonder what I am holding on for, why don't I just give up? That will to live is so strong in me and YOU or we wouldn't have made it this far. So please don't give up. hold on. realize that your will to live is stronger than your pain, though it seems not to be right now. you are not alone, I am here and I do care because I know what it feels like to hurt so badly. hold on for that brief second of calm and peace, wait for it. It WILL come.

 

[mamachick]

Thank you Debbet for reminding me. I have had some bad days and am pulling myself back up and out of it. Its harder for me in the winter. The will is there, we do have to seek it out often, and look for the good, I know it is there. Somedays it just feels like the gray shades are pulled down all around me. I dont wish this on anybody, yet it is comforting knowing we are not alone

 

[Shellbell]

Brat17, I am so glad the will is there. There are dark dark days for so many of us, but that will to keep moving towards life and healing is there in all of us, or we wouldn't be here on this forum.

I think most of us have had times when the pain is too great and feels unbearable and hopeless. But it isn't, as we don't know what the future will bring. And it's worth the fight and hope that the future will bring brighter times, with increasing moments of peace, joy and happiness.

We are all worth the fight. And we are all not alone here.

 

[raven123]

This hit me pretty hard: "My mother is the most wonderful woman alive. Its knowing that your completely loved cherished and protected. Its undescribable the feeling of love that person sends you and all they ask for is absloute happiness for you." -Aqua (Yahoo user). I found it when I Googled "what is it liked to be loved by your parents?"

My mom have loved and cherished me although I know my brother was her favorite and she didn't protect me from my sperm donor's emotional and physical abuse. She admitted she didn't when she wasn't a Christian. Although she makes this claim, my sperm donor's happiness was more important than me. She had a great childhood without violence, yelling, screaming, etc., etc. She knew better.

How do mothers allow that to happen to their kids?

Anyway, I found if you live in a bubble of emotional detachment for too long, you don't leave it. These bubbles protect you for a short time from something bad that happened to you. In my case, that was child rape at three and one-half years old. I've been there for 40 years. The hell I lived in from three-eighteen didn't help either. I just wonder if there is anyway out or is the damage from all this just putting me beyond much help? What do you think?

 

[mamachick]

raven I dont think you are beyond help. It takes a lot just to step out of that bubble and acknowledge the effects. Regardless of how the trauma effects our behavior, it seems our thinking has more similiarities.

I know that no matter how much I change my thinking, I need to follow up with action. That is where I fall short. I keep trying to think clearer, but have not been able to push myself back into the world of life-work, social, etc. I need to change my behavior along with my thinking (rather than staying in bed).

I agree that the fact that we are all here shows strength and determination to pull through this. I am going to try to hold onto that belief.

 

[raven123]

Brat17,

I walk through life like a zombie. Look into my eyes and you'd see nothing emotional there. Just blankness. I know therapy is impossible to get since I'm broke. It's also nearly impossible to find one that knows what the f*ck they are doing. I went through a dozen and tens of thousands of dollars ending up re-experiencing rape all over again. What did they care? They got their money, bullsh1tted me with their fancy degrees and, all the while, could care less about people, ethics, and I wonder if they had any consciences to begin with. I say over and over, where was my help? In the flesh help not online. I am I grateful to be alive? Nope. Do I think being alive after living in hell for 40 years is great? Nope. I'm tired of asking for help and not getting it. I'm tired of not counting.

 

[mamachick]

raven, I am sorry you have been so let down by the professionals. I can see why you would be very reluctant to consider more treatment. I know I only understand a fraction of your frustration. While I have had the benefit of competent therapy, its difficult to see how an hour a week is even adequate. Personally, I think there should be residential treatment centers available and covered by insurances.

I try to remember that in all medical and psychiatric areas, the people are "practicing". When I was a kid, ,my uncle died of Hodgkins Disease. His son inherited but there was treatment for him. It wasnt that long ago that ptsd was not even recognized in civillians and from childhood abuse. I am an organ donor, if I cant be saved, save someone else.

I hope to be functional again one day, to the point that I was a few years back. So for myself and in the meantime, on those days that seem most unbearable, I hope that my honesty with my therapist, with individuals, and contact with other professionals will lead to the changes that are necessary to understand and treat more effectively in the future. I can be part of that-if that is all I accomplish. I know, doesnt seem like much, but we all count.

While this site is not therapy, there are many good people and many good article to read. I hope you are able to find the benefits that I have here. You count.

 

[raven123]

Brat17,

Thank you. I'm sorry you have PTSD. I wish nobody did.


I'm an organ donor, but won't be after the next driver's license renewal. I went through horrible hyperthyroid (got it from all the anxiety I grew up with). I'm still hyper after radioactive iodine. I'm glad actually. I didn't want to kill the thyroid totally. And, I won't. I don't know the effect yet of all that hyperthyroid burning up my body for 4+ years. Insurance won't touch me because of it. Pre-existing condition. So, no insurance till 2014 at the earliest.

The problem with me, and others that rarely feel like me, is I lack the production of Oxytocin (the bonding chemical the brain produces). Instead, I grew up on adrenaline and stress hormones (Cortisol) from a childhood filled with abuse. They found this in a study on women that had rape/sex abuse in their childhood. The more you live on adrenaline and stress hormones, the less you body produces oxytocin. Oxytocin can't be artificially injected because the fake stuff doesn't cross the blood-brain barrier. Oxytocin is required for trust, love, bonding, connecting.

Only God could make that work. But, therein lies a problem, too. If a person suddenly gets the ability to produce tons of Oxytocin, what could happen? Anger and negative emotions would get out of control for one probably. I'd figure out how to make it produce more and more Oxytocin to feel good since I did that with adrenaline and endorphins (Bipolar was how I achieved any happiness growing up). The reason I'm not a drug addict or alcoholic is simply that would mess up my Bipolar fun.

I understand my lack of connecting to others is simply chemicals. Caused by abuse, of course. The other stuff that can be fixed would be nice to get fixed. But, with no way to pay $200-300+ an hour, it ain't happening much. I can't even find a support group in my area.

I wish I could just chose to fake everything and just move on.

 

[mamachick]

raven-sorry to hear that you have hyperthyroid on top of all of this. Sounds like you have a great understanding of how your chemicals are working/or not as a result of this. I don't understand it all (I forget alot-I have a traumatic brain injury as well), but going thru menopause, I had saliva hormone tests.

As I recall, they also showed abnormal cortisol-I think I have low-as a result of adrenal burn out. The pharmacist that specializes in these tests referred it to "adrenal fatigue" and recomended books on this. I discovered the material to be saying the same thing that was once referred to as chronic fatigue syndrome. I was diagnosed with cfid more than 20 yrs ago.

My sister, a decade older was then diagnosed with Addisons Disease, which is related to cortisol levels. She is quite ill with it. She has become very thin and looks frail.

Discovering this felt like going around in circles to me. With hopes of recovery, I ran out and got the books, only discover it was the same thing with a new name.

Our growing up was likely very traumatic. Back in the 80's-90s, I heard about adult children of alcoholics and co dependency. I related totally and jumped on the wagon. I put my recover first. My sisters were skeptics and thought it was all BS. In my family, taking care of your own needs is called "selfish", so it was not a popular thing to do. As a matter of fact, it caused me to leave the "pack", as some would say. Working a co dependency program (self created) led to great physical and emotional health. I was able to raise great kids and meet my own goals and achieve. I loved life.

After a seperation from my husband 10 yrs ago, and being a single parent to teens, things began to take a toll on me. Aside from the normal stressors and demands (requiring rigid sleep routine, nurtition, etc), we had a murder in our family, and infant death, and I was stalked. I was still fairing well when I had an accident and was unconscious which resulted in TBI, broken rib and collapsed lung. gotta run, more later

 

[raven123]

Brat, Thank you for replying. Growing up in an alcoholic family is terrible. Your sister's Addison's came from childhood no doubt. Living in fear is not fun and I've done it all my existence (not life since I don't have one). Then you went through hell with a TMI and an infant death. ((((Brat))))) You've got great kids though. I've never had that joy (and won't at my age).

It hits me when I see others with similar problems and they've accomplished some things that make them human and I've accomplished nothing and feel even more like a robot. I wanted to be a robot as a kid. :( I've never felt human. I remember the evil Pinhead in Hellraiser Bloodline saying, "I am so exquisitely empty!" I connected with him in that I have a hole that never seems to be filled.

My sperm donor didn't drink so I have no idea why he was such a violent, emotionally abusive POS. And, you know what? I don't care why he was that way. You are lucky you knew where the problems came from--alcohol abuse. I didn't know about my rape at a very young age till nearly 27. Until this last year at 44, I didn't know the extent of the damage from my horrible childhood. I've worked a lot on not hating myself, and now, I hate the world mostly. And, I certainly hate therapists for screwing me (re-raping me) over and over and over again.

I gotta stop for awhile, this is too much.