Are Some People Just Too Damaged To Heal?

[mamachick]

Until this last year at 44, I didn't know the extent of the damage from my horrible childhood. I've worked a lot on not hating myself, and now, I hate the world mostly. And, I certainly hate therapists for screwing me (re-raping me) over and over and over again.

Very understandable. I had some similiar experience. I know my words may not help much today, but I try to remind myself that "I will find what I am seeking". When I look for fault in myself, its always easy to find, when I look for positive attributes, more difficult but if I am persistant, I have found them, and those are the messages that will bring healing. I do have days that I question and it can be hard to keep seeking the good-but it is there.

Im betting that you have accomplished some things that make you human. Your communication shows feeling and that is very human.

IMHO-I think more of the alcohol as a symptom and not the disease. There is something else going on with the person that abuses the alcohol and then abuses the kids. I have so much more knowledge and support than my own mother and even so, I could find failure in myself-should I chose to look at it that way. Instead, I am have to keep trying to find the good in myself, remind myself, and believe in myself. I am wishing that for everyone who is reading this as well.

 

[mamachick]

rat17, there is much good in the world yet, it is hard to seek it out and SEE it when we hurt so badly. Sometimes I have to shut out what is right in front of me to see beauty(the lovely fall colors, which soothes me sometimes) or kindness(sometimes just a stranger holding a door open). At other times I can't focus on anything but my internal pain and nothing seems to help. then it is just hanging on until that time passes.

Thanks Debbet for reminding me and for the encouraging words of wisdom. It does pass. I was having such difficulty and then the gloom lifted a bit. Then I remember the special moments I have experienced when I have found the magnificent in the ordinary.

The song "lean on me" reminds me of one of the special support on this site. During bad times, someone has always let me lean, when Im not strong. I hope that I can do the same for others.

 

[Shellbell]

Many really positive points have been said in these more recent posts and I think it's almost impossible when in these cycles of severe internal pain and trying to see the positives, to ever see how we will achieve full healing, which is the topic of this thread. It can feel like we will never get past this.

It's why I'm coming to realise that healing is an ongoing journey, which can take time for many and sometimes we can feel stuck. But this isn't necessary all there is. And any healing we achieve along the way, is worth the effort. We are all worth the effort and we do all deserve it.

 

[raven123]

Brat, Thank you for the kindness. I think I'm ready to just be a fake and learn to be a great fake. That seems to be what people want, right? Been a fake my whole life anyway. I just don't get emotions at all. They seem like a foreign land I've been excluded from. I just don't see help coming my way. I've helped a lot of people in life (including a bunch that were suicidal) and didn't get help myself. Maybe I'm not the one with the problem. Maybe the real problem is humanity itself having little humanity to begin with. I resolved a few months ago to only give help when I get help and not allow people to use me again. That's it. No more, no less. And, I hope those useless, lying scheming therapists I had get played just like they played me. Karma is a bitch. That scam called therapy definitely needs lots of regulation. Every time I hear the word "therapy" I cringe. I despise the word.

 

[Shellbell]

Raven123, I am really sorry you have not had a positive experience with therapy. It upsets me when people are on the receiving end of bad therapy. I can hear how badly you have been burned with this. I think you are a lovely person to have helped people and I'm sorry there was no-one there for you, or no-one who you could relate to in the past. I know how it feels to have no-one who cares. I really wish you some peace in your future.

There are good therapists out there though, who do have good intentions and really do want to help people to heal. My therapist is lovely and she does really help me. I have realised that in the past 41 years, I have faked it, not really experiencing true feelings, due to so much pain and suffering from my past. But now I believe there is hope. Maybe not to ever be completely 'normal', but to heal to a point of gaining enjoyment and happiness and some degree of peace.

I want to believe there is hope for all of us, none of us can predict the future.

 

[mamachick]

shellbell-I was thinking the same thing about positives. I almost didn't want to make a positive comment as I was feeling as I don't want to be insensitive to anyone else who is in pain. I know that pain too well-less than a week ago I was a big mess. When I thought of the waves of pain and re-read others posts to me when I felt so horrible, I was more appreciative than when I originally read them. I think you are so right about the journey of healing, and it may be lifelong.

raven, I know what you mean about faking it-I was able to do that when I was younger but it doesn't work for me anymore. I do often go on automatic pilot though, and often am going thru the motions of life. It stinks. Others expectations for me to "be happy" was so much pressure over the holiday and I could not fake it and it showed. Then I felt guilty, then my daughter felt worse, and it just went down hill for a few days. I don't know what people want. I think some people would prefer we just fake it, while others accept the truth. I know I would prefer truth. I would not want family/friends faking their thoughts and feelings.

I don't know about others here, but there are times that I feel like raven- feeling there is little or no humanity, trusting nobody, feeling isolated, and feeling no light at the end of the tunnel. Then I feel damaged and broken completely. I want to fix it and don't know how. I guess I am beginning to see that following the worst storm is some peacefulness, even though small-and that is a gleam of hope.

 

[raven123]

Shellbell & Brat17, I'm just out of hope this will change much. It is very sad I had the wrong image of God and God let me go on believing that bullsh1t for nearly 20 years till I said, enough control and judgement, I quit. Two days ago I found out he's all love, which I have no clue what that is, and had nothing to do with those 20 years. I was like, you couldn't have said this a long time ago? After all, it your people, well, people that claim you, that filled my head with all that sh1t in the first place.

I've come to realize 90% of those people had no clue who God is. I never went to God in the first place. God came to me. So, after I quit, God bugged me one day about coming back. I said, nope, I can't do that judgement shit again and I damn sure won't. We agreed it would be different this time. I told God, I ain't going and kissing church butt, letting them use me to do their work, etc. Church is a nightmare to me. I get triggered and it hurts emotionally. God knows I'm cold emotionally and I have little to offer God emotionally. I'm damaged, I'm fragile, I'm gonna curse, get over it. God said his grace is sufficient. I repent once a day and that's it. I thought God was nothing more than a tyrant. Now, I have no clue what God is.

The Bible triggers my self-hate so I have to avoid a lot of it. Do I have faith he'll change much? Honestly, when it comes to getting friends and a mate someday, nope. It really is up to him to change that. If God gets too much and triggers past stuff, I tell God. God, you know how screwed up I am so I don't want to be bitched at down the road for things I was conditioned to do. I just can't have it.

He did tell me that voice of self-hate and I thought was God, was my sperm donor. I'm pretty sure that temp job for the Holidays God got me. I thank God for that. Now, the love part and I've had God all wrong I found two days ago, I thank him for that. I'll post what I read that changed my view of God in a bit.

I used to believe someone would come along and want me. They haven't. I've been on two dates in my whole life. The rest said, no and some just said I wasn't good enough, too cold (emotionally), not rich enough, not attractive enough, too nice, not nice enough, etc., etc. Honestly, the worst people I've met fill churches. My sperm donor was a religious nutcase tyrant.

 

[raven123]

"You know that's not how it is, Marilyn, though I understand why you feel this way. I have many children. Some of them locked your sisters out of my house. My heart is out there with them, but I’ve left people free. They do with me as they please. You see, love can’t force anything. I’m as powerless, as a quadriplegic. They surrounded me with linen and candles, with solemn processions and profusions of flowers, and they deluge me with their prayers. But oddly enough, only a few of them really take notice of their brothers and sisters. It breaks my hear, too.

I’m glad you’ve noticed them. Go ahead; be angry, but please don’t hate me. I am with you in this, more than you could ever realize. And I am with your brothers and sisters, too, even as I am blamed for the burdens they now bear. Come now, let your tears flow. See, I am weeping with you.”

Sister Marilyn Lacey
Sister of Mercy
The Flowing Toward Me (her book)

I read this on Resurrection After Rape. A free ebook on ResurrectionAfterRapedotcom

 

[JustBe]

Shellbell said:
" any healing we achieve along the way, is worth the effort. We are all worth the effort and we do all deserve it."


I "Like" that a Bazillion times! :D

 

[Deleted member 12723]

We do deserve healing and restoration and refresment. We are on our way. One step at a time. It is up and down a real rollercoaster. But what we accomplish we never have to repeat. So all of our past recovery is a done deal. We are on our way to a better future. It will all prove worth it.

We will heal as much as is possible for us.

 

[saffy]

We are at a disadvantage compared to a person with high self esteem.

Hi Gizmo

That is a very valid point. One that I think the majority on here can really relate too. Low self esteem.

I know mine is awful and I am working hard at improving it. With that and other skills I am learning I think I am becoming more whole. A lot of me has been missing; mislaid or mistaken and somehow that all has to be rectified by me now. I have had to decide to take control of my own emotions and decide whether something is going to wreck them or not. :)

I know I have a lot of negative inner dialogue so am trying to change it. I often question myself by saying 'would I think like this or do this if I was very confident. I would imagine myself being really confident then image myself doing it with confidence. Sometimes it works and my questioning is getting less at least.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[JustBe]

My dilemma is that my first trauma occurred when I was young and everything changed after that. I don't know who I would have been. I have nothing to measure myself against. I can't say "I wish things were like they were before" because "before" was early childhood when I didn't yet have my own identity.