Anger and rage. Hopelessness and despair. Loneliness is the biggest one of all, when I feel like I'm absolutely alone, I can't cope at all.
Luckily I can enjoy things nowadays. I can feel happiness, joy, wonder, excitement, curiousity, and all other kinds of wonderfull stuff. I enjoy these positive feelings, I hope that I can tolerate the negative ones better somewhere in the future.
being angry at my child. and kids will pick up on that real fast. they say that kids are cruel and this is something that i've found to be true even for my own kid. for her it was not cruelty for its own sake but because she didn't understand exactly what she's doing. the idea that she was causing me genuine pain just didn't connect. (and because i didn't demonstrate that.)
kids don't have the same kind of empathy as adults so when they want something they're more likely to manipulate or act poorly. and for me my manipulation points are like, "get grief really mad and then he'll get guilty and do whatever i want." so that sucked. fortunately thee childe is older now and no longer behaves that way.
I struggle with rage, fury, hatred of abusers that I was conditioned to idealize, toxic shame, overwhelming guilt about one thing I did when I was a teenager, guilt about hating my abusers (because my religion teaches me to love EVERYONE), and any other emotion that used to lead me to self harm. I’m 29+ months clean, but lately I’m blurring the boundaries of what “self harm recovery” really is because these emotions are so strong in me so much of the time.