Poll Are You More Angry At Your Perpetrating Parent Or Your Parent That Did Not Protect You?

[Kimpersonal]

I am no longer angry at either of my parents. They were more messed up than me ... I don't do the heinous things that my Mother did ... and I cannot stick my head in the sand where my children are concerned like my Dad did. I pity them more than hold anger towards them. Other perpetrators in my life get the same benefit of the doubt as being more messed up than I am.

That being said ... I am still angry. Angry that I hurt all the time with little relief. Angry that for the safety of myself and my children we now go without contact with "family" (at least on my side) ... it breaks my heart. The unfairness of life makes me angry. The fact that so many people are hurting inside ... the fact that so many people continue the chains of violence within their families and within society ... these things frustrate me to no end and I want SOMEBODY to PAY for all of the cumulative damage human beings have sustained since the beginning of time.

We are pathetic creatures.

 

[debsptsd]

I was glad to see this question, to know I am not alone. I checked both. My mother still lives in a world of denial and avoidance. She has three grown children that were sexually abused by their father. I've tried for years to talk to her about what happened. I no longer put my self through the pain of trying to get through to her. There have been so many times in my life I've needed a mom to talk to. Those are the times when the pain of her betrail hurts the most.

 

[Red Feather]

In my case, I'd say both and neither at the same time. My mom spanked me, emotionally abused me non stop, and threw me into closets when I got upset at her, and my father never even gave me a hug once. And they both agreed to me getting married with 18 years. And when I got hit in their house while I was pregnant, my mother blew up at my ex H. And this made things so much worse for me. They suffer so much because I have been suffering. It is hard for me to be angry but it also hard for me to forgive.

 

[Beverly G.]

I have a good relationship with my parents. But when I am in a state of shock or fear. I hate my mama for not stopping my father from going too far and my dad for not believing me when I told him about what my mother did to my sisters and I when he was away.

 

[Addy]

I'm sorry, but my alarm bells started ringing when I read this. If your therapist is suggesting that it's somehow ok or that being drunk is any excuse to behave the way your father did, then that is some serious bullshit right there. Unless I took it the wrong way that is?

I don't take being drunk as an excuse for bad behaviour. I know lots of people use it as an excuse, but drunk people know what they are doing, even if they are wasted. It's no excuse!

I'm glad you asked for clarification... I don't think she EVER meant to defend the terrible things my father did to me. Alcohol is never a valid excuse for abusing a child. That being said, I think what she meant was that while what my father did was terrible...he did those acts under the influence of a substance, whereas my mother, unimpaired, and fully sober allowed me to be raped and beaten by my father. The fact that she looked the other way, without being impaired, is what crushes me more than anything, and is unforgivable. :(

 

[Philippa]

Ah, I see...and I agree. I can fully understand why you would feel that way towards her. It's beyond cowardice, it's just plain abnormal.

We are pathetic creatures.

That sums it up nicely.

 

[Ice_Fire]

I voted for 'parent that did not protect' because all my life, everything was done to accommodate mum. My dad didn't even attempt to stand up to her and even when he witnessed her beating me, he did nothing. I resent him for that. I resent him even more for later abusing me as well, as he'd always been a 'good' dad in my eyes, he played games with me, cuddled me. But he never stopped mum, who I also hate to be honest.

 

[SusanaBanana]

I'm asking this question because I struggle with whom I should be more angry with... My father emotionally, physically and sexually abused me (but was drunk when he did it). My mother on the other hand never layed a hand on me. However, she did not protect me, and knew about the abuse and did nothing to stop it.

I feel hatred towards my father, but for some reason can't seem to tap into the anger that I should have for my mom. My T said that in a way my mom is more pathological because she doesn't have alcohol to fall back on for an explanation for her behavior. I am simply having a very hard time with this and am interested in others feelings on this topic. Thanks.

Alcohol has been used as an excuse to abuse, without consequences, that it really needs to be re-examined. A mom who does not protect you is a perp, I mean if I got drunk crashed and killed people I'd be liable, they may even sentance me to eletric chair.

If I stood by while a murder was occuring and did nothing, legally, I'd be in hot poop, because I'd be liable in the sense I could have prevented a murder, but did nothing.

Anger has its place, its been good for me, to put it where it gos, not at myself, I get angry then I am able to forgive little by little.

 

[Taven Carlsen]

Shrug, active is active. Passive is passive. So I voted accordingly.

 

[ellebelle]

You get pissed at the first active abusive 'parent' (stepparent), then the second, then the third.

Then you get older and realize you should be equally as pissed at the mom who kept marrying these assholes.

But in the end, I just do my best to help my little brother and sister until they're out as well, but I do feel the responsibility is absolutely shared by both the passive and aggressive parent..

 

[Loner]

Hard to say which was which really. My father was far more rageful, but didn't abuse me sexually like my mother did. They were both very emotionally abusive.

It would be a lie to say I didn't still feel anger towards them, but mostly I just pity them. They are some of the most lonely miserable pathetic people I have ever known and I know I have already known more happiness in my life than they ever will, even with how much they messed me up.

 

[missmary]

My father was physically abusive, but because my mother would do nothing but complain about how awful we were while he was gone at work. They were both drunks and they both had their own sets of abuse to dish out. My father being the physically abusive one, my mom would just yell up the stairs at him or whatever to "stop that" but be damned if she get off her ass and actually stop it.

For that, I blame my mom for my trauma. Mostly because, not only did I suffer life-threatening violence at the hands of a caretaker, but also because the other one turned their back on me during it and traumatized me further for that. I think the neglectful part is the worse part because it messes with you on an emotionally deeper level than just "Dad got drunk and mad and hurt me."

The neglect from a parent during trauma leaves abandonment scars, the feeling of lack of worth, the sense that there's something terribly wrong with you that they didn't think you deserved the help or care, that they could stand to watch and listen to you scream for your life and have nothing inside them parental enough to save you. Man does that mess a young child's head...