Poll Are You More Angry At Your Perpetrating Parent Or Your Parent That Did Not Protect You?

[Friday]

I'm surprised by the amount of people saying they're more angry at the non-perpetrating parent.

It's a helluva lot safer to be mad at someone who won't beat/rape/kill you for being mad at them.

Just one part of a complicated topic, but a very normal-survival-(aka BIG)-part

It's über-normal, in every area of life... From kids being on their best behavior at school falling apart at home into screaming tantrums (nope! Used up all my self control already today!), to big kid hits little kid so little kid hits littler kid so littler kid hits dog... As people, we tend to direct our rage where we are least likely to pay a harsh penalty for it. Same pattern holds for adults. Best behavior at work, throw a fit after walking in the door & relaxing. We tend to hold ourselves together when there are immediate danger, and then lash out when we feel safe to. Abuse just heightens this.

 

[Sideways]

I'm angry at my dad. He's the paedophile. He was the one in my room doing those things to me and my sister. No one else - just him. No one made him do it. He knew it was wrong. He knew abusing kids did major permanent damage. Did it anyway. And he's been f*cking with me and my sister's heads trying to pretend we're the insane ones ever since. Lot to be angry about.

My mum? Whatever she turned a blind eye to, didn't know about but should've, etc etc. She did her best. She's human. It was her husband. I can't imagine what that must've been like for her. And she's still doing her best to be the best mum that she's capable of being.

 

[mary1979]

I only just began rethinking my attitude on this recently.

For most of my adult life I've placed too much responsibility on my mothers shoulders for everything.
Seeing my own children do it to me, took the blinders off finally.
(funny how selfish that sounds, even to me)

I've come to see that the eyes through which I saw my mother were the same ones through which I saw myself.

I needed to learn to give her some slack so I could allow myself some also.

So I put the blame back where it belongs. I now hate the perpetrator and not the other victim.
Dont get me wrong, she screwed up. If someone even THOUGHT like that about my child id have his privates incinerated, not protect and cover up his filthy secret to keep my own life in tact.
But I've come to see how easily we can be manipulated if its done from a young age, and my Mother was no match for my Father intellectually, by a long shot.

She was as vulnerable as I, and recognising that has given me much peace.

 

[Air]

I blame the perpetrator mostly. That doesn't mean I have no ill feeling towards the bystander, but I definitely think it's more logical to resent the one who actually did something wrong. Not that standing by and doing nothing is right, but it's clearly better than being the one who's actively harming someone.

 

[Nyssa]

I voted 2 "more angry at my non-perpetrating parent". But I blame way more my perpetrating parent ! Anger does not equal blame for me, that's all.

As I see it, anger carries some kind of expectation. The hope that the person will change, or at least acknowledge their wrong doing. I don't have any expectation of the kind regarding my father. Not anymore.

I was angry at him for the verbal abuse, at the time. It's gone now that I'm done with him.

I felt very different regarding the sexual abuse and rapes. The out-of-my-mind rage in those moments was beyond words. It's still in me, and I have to protect myself from it, because I literaly loose it when it takes over. I don't register that raw emotion as anger. And when it does take over, it's not even directed at my abuser or any one else, like it's too vast to have a direction.

On the more civilized side of emotions -- emotions I have an actual word for --, the thought of my father brings up a mixture hate, disgust, contempt and fear. But anger? No. Again, I don't expect anything good from the man.

 

[Air]

the thought of my father brings up a mixture hate, disgust, contempt and fear

You actually have a point here, I hadn't thought of that. You've actually described the exact feelings I have towards my father, but I guess I really feel most of the anger towards my mom. I feel much more negatively towards him, but in terms of only anger it's more towards her. I guess it's because I still look to my mom for support and get disappointed a lot of the time whereas I've given up on looking for anything from him so I'm never let down or frustrated by him. Anger and frustration from me usually come from something going unexpectedly badly and it's not unexpected with him.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Both. My mom & step father are the main perps and my mom not only did not protect me but also participated.

Anger is a funny thing as im more angry at me than them.

 

[StarChild]

I'm more angry at my perp. which was my mother. As my Dad couldn't do anything, or he would have been hit and punched by her as well. Or she would throw empty beer bottles and all kind of dishes and once even our TV at him. She was as strong as any man. In those days, she was a living nightmare for all of us who had to live with her.

 

[Enaila]

I go through stages of anger at one or the other depending on my triggers and flashbacks which are triggered. Nightmares follow the same stages. I was angry at my father for leaving me in a dark ditch along highway when I was four. I was angry at my mom for not stopping him. I guess I would say I am equally disappointed in both of them, but am willing to work on my relationship with my mother, but not my father at the present time. (They did come back for me, but emotional abuse and some physical abuse continued.)

 

[Ronin]

Parents: Both were perpetrating, so no dice.

I'm angry at all the people around that just normalized violence as something I deserve. That I learned to shrug it off, accept it as something that Just Happens, and developed some sort of shielding, still could have been different with different messages.

But I don't want to whine about it. Many wearing my shoes are dead by now, so I got off easy.
Just trying really hard to remember what I learned about violence is wrong when dealing with children in any fashion & keep myself in check about that acceptance.
Not simply different cultures... different and objectively wrong cultures.

 

[StellaBlue]

I have pondered this for a long time. My perpetrator was my brother and, mostly, I have felt sorry for him. In the past, I was very angry at my parents for denying and minimizing the abuse and also for blaming me and not protecting me or my sister. I have worked through a lot of that anger, but it's still a sticky place for me at times.

 

[DreamLover]

I was abused by both parents, and lied/concealed the truth about each to each (protected them both). They were divorced.

However, because my mother's abuse was so overt and immediately hurtful - screaming, slapping, emotional put-downs, humiliation, etc. I found and find anger toward her to be more accessible (if that makes sense?). My father was a covert abuser, which I actually realize now makes him truly sick, but because he acted "loving" it wasn't until more recently that I've begun to harbor anger toward him as well.