Arguments - Choosing Your Battles

[Jimmy1]

During my therapy session today we discussed numerous issues, but the biggest one was how to tackle disagreements and arguments.

With the primal 'Fight/Flight' response being cross-wired with military conditioning, generally most soldiers, especially those with PTSD will opt for 'The Fight' in any situation.
Well today we discussed choosing which battle to fight and putting it into a military perspective.

If there were 4 enemy in an encampment, you would not charge in all guns blazing no matter how the battle was going. You would always stop and assess, otherwise you might lose half your section due to pure anger, hatred, or adrenaline. Hope you can understand where I am coming from here.
Sometimes it might be more worthwhile to fire off a couple of shots then bug out and regroup. Then fight that battle another day. You would way up the odds anyway.

Then I learnt to apply it to my teenage daughter and son, or even that wanker at the gas station.
Is it worth it??????

For my 18 year old step-daughter, she wants to have the power in the situation. She knows I will get worked up, therefor she yells all the time. I then have to work out and assess if its worth me losing my stack and then taking it out on the rest of the family (hence, causing unnecessary casualties).
For instance. If she is swearing at the other children or swearing in the house, all I have to do is say loudly enough, '........ You know your not allowed to swear', then retreat to my room. Or if she is feeding the dog at the table, you get the idea.
This way she has been told and will be pissed off because I have the power. She would not dare enter my domain.

If I was to stand there and having a slinging match, she wins because she knows I will lose it.

Best send in the 'Gunship' Margaret, her mother.

With my boy, well, its his way of getting attention from me and its a different dynamic. He is my blood. So the discipline is stronger and firmer, but not out of control.

The same goes for the wanker down the gas station or at the corner store. State your opinion and walk away. If it is loud enough and in view of the public, they will feel inferior. You have walked away and are safe.

Sometimes though it is not that easy, but when you have PTSD and cannot control the anger, you really have to pick which battles to fight.

We just have to say 'f*ck You' to our beliefs sometimes in order to have self preservation.

Its all easier said than done though, hey???

 

[Need an Oasis]

You know, my psych told me about a principle they use in relationship counseling, but he says you can apply it to other argument situations too. I'm supposed to ask myself if the issue will still bother me this much tomorrow. If not, disengage from the argument and let it go. If yes, ask myself, will it still bother me this much next week, next month, a year from now? If I think I will still feel this strongly about the issue a year from now, he says, then fight for it.

 

[tadowler]

I had never thought of engaging in an argument just went in guns blazing and inflicting casulties and collateral damage never thinking twice about who or how it would effect.

 

[Ned]

I like that rationalisation, Jimmy.
Tell them they're a tosser and walk off. Proves you're not looking for a fight but you won't accept crap behaviour.
After all, it's important to communicate!

 

[Jimmy1]

I hear what your saying Oasis, but some issues may bother you constantly, but are not worth getting into an argument over.

You see, the other problem we have is that high standards from serving in the military. We honestly believe things should be a certain way, only because we were trained that way. So until we change our thinking and start to rationalise on certain issues, we will always have a problem with them.

Hope you can get my meaning.

Think about the OCD side of PTSD. It can get really out of hand sometimes. I once tore my older boys head off for putting plates in the sink just after I finished cleaning the whole kitchen. All it needed was for me to tell him to wash and dry his plate and walk away rather than getting all flustered and hot under the collar.
This problem still exists today with the older of the two step daughters. She will dump 4 glasses, 3 cups, and a couple of plates on the sink just before going to work. Usually this is after a week of me asking for them. Margaret would just do them, but my standards cause me to fume. So now I just ask her nicely to make sure all her dishes are washed earlier on in the day. If she does not do it, I will put them back in her room.

See what I mean.

The other side of me which I stand firm on thinks she should not leave them in there in the first place, but I am relatively new in the house and she is only my step daughter.

 

[Ned]

Jimmy you really ARE a Sergeant Major, respect.

 

[tadowler]

I have the same problem Jimmy my six yo will keep dishes in her room until the cows come home. I know shes only six but she still knows better I guess thats the thing that really gets to me the most.

 

[Jimmy1]

You have a long way to go then Tad if she is doing it at that age.

Jimmy you really ARE a Sergeant Major, respect.

Ned, sometimes I hate that ingrained stuff. I have been working on it for the last 5 years. Trying to remove the hard edges, but some things are irreversible. 20 + years of programming. How long will it take to deprogram, or is it even worth it.

 

[Need an Oasis]

I see what you mean, Jimmy. Yes, we believe that things should be a certain way because we were trained that way, but there's a reason WHY we were trained that way: It works (well, most of the time, anyway). Most of it (like basic cleanliness and hygiene) is all common sense, anyway. Although some people I used to bunk with definitely needed refresher lessons.

But the dirty dishes thing would be a thing worth fighting for. I would. It's just not acceptable. Think mold, creepy things coming in...?

 

[Jimmy1]

You don't have to tell me that. But my psych told me yesterday that children and young adults don't think that way. They can't see the drama. We were trained that dirty dixies (thats what we called them) and eating utensils can cause disease and disease can spread. It was drilled into us. The only way to really fix that problem would be a punishment, or to give them a bout of gastro. The other issue is that she is only a step child and Margaret used to clean up after them. I can't come into the house as an ogre.

So I will leave it be and walk away. If she gets sick it will be a case of 'I told you so'. If one of the other kids, Margaret or I get sick, then it will be WWIII.

 

[Need an Oasis]

Right Jimmy, I wasn't thinking that they're not yours to punish. It is probably better to do what you are doing, then.

 

[Jimmy1]

I can actually get away with a little parenting, like manners, swearing etc, but some things are just not worth the grief.

My natural daughter is turning 25, I now talk to her about disciplining her children. It never ends. lol.