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Around The Bend

I was feeling pretty good yesterday. I was tired, but I got a burst of energy last night. When I want to bed, though, I felt strange, almost "not myself."

Then, suddenly, a jolt of pain through my head and trunk, and it felt as if my body was having a seizure. My brain felt fuzzy. I couldn't understand what was happening, but I was lucid.

Then, it just stopped. I don't know if my body was actually totally shaking, or if it only felt as if it were.

It was scary! I woke up wondering if I could have a brain tumor!

I told my husband about this, and then I realized that it was similar to my being electrocuted/tortured flashback but just a body memory perhaps. No auditory-visual memory or context to the abuse was with this, whatever it was.

It was probably some type of flashback. It was very fast coming and going, like a blip. This is how my first flashback was, but in that one, the flashback was recalled by an environmental trigger that exactly "matched" the sound of the trauma.

In this case, I don't know what the trigger would be. I felt a bit full. A feeling of stomach fullness has triggered me in the past. Maybe I was shocked after eating and this is the issue.? It's still too unclear to me at this point. I see only small pieces of the puzzle.

Ah! Wait. I just remembered that I have had a recurring nightmare since childhood of the same church/funeral parlor where I was tortured.

In that dream, there was a potluck going on, and my mom left me with two church men, who overfed me sweets before doing sexual abuse to me, that was, of course, left out of the dream and was replaced by a "creepy sick feeling" about how they were leering at me, etc. I felt like they were going to eat me. This is still the feeling I get when I see men looking at me with lust in their eyes. It frightens me still, and I'm almost 40.
Just checked my diary here last year. Sure enough, I had the electrocution/torture flashback (1st time of that one being the full thing and body memory or the feeling of it happening, plus the whole memory of how, who, where, everything. Ugh! I had thought I was going to die from the terrible amount of pain, especially the pain in my skull that radiated "out" of my head, as if the pain were actually larger than my body, if that makes sense.)

Well, the electrocution feeling (body memory) I had two nights ago, end of Sept. are surely an anniversary reaction. Apparently, end of Sept. is when that likely happened. This would make sense because I remembered the torture coinciding with starting Pre-school at the funeral home. I would assume that since school starts in late Sept. in WA, then that would be logical. I would have been only 4 years old.

I started breaking out with shingles on my neck near my ear, left side, which is unusual. I tend to get it on my right, but have had it on the left twice. The nerve pain is more pronounced with this outbreak. I'm going to be extra tired this week.

I was already tired from the busy week.
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Reading an article. According to this PhD psych who wrote it in 2013, my father is high risk to reoffend or attack other kids. :(

Even the last one is textbook for his behavior. I was right to take my kids far away.

This article is about how churches should handle sex offenders, but the advice given makes good points for everyone to be aware of in daily life:

9. Asks forgiveness but does not apologize.10 A high-risk sex offender uses forgiveness to manipulate others. Nothing would make him or her happier than for a church to forgive and forget. When a sex offender asks for forgiveness, the victim may not be ready to forgive. The healing process for a victim takes an indefinite period of time, and forgiveness may be a long way away. Therefore, the victim becomes the unforgiving bad guy in the church. The church welcomes the perpetrator with open arms because he or she asked for forgiveness but ostracizes the unforgiving victim, allowing the sex offender to manipulate the church into silence.

Low-risk sex offenders, however, apologize for their behaviors but do not ask for forgiveness. They understand that they have already taken from their victims, and to ask for forgiveness is to take even more. While forgiveness comprises an important part of healing for victims, it should happen on the victim’s timetable and not the perpetrator’s.
I realized while posting a response to someone else, that I have never really externalized the internal struggle with the night my mom tried to drown my sister.

I have spent far too much time obsessing over my actions that night. I felt everything from guilt (initially) to pride (eventually) for attacking my own mother.

And while I was trying to determine if I ought to feel guilt or pride, I also had to admit I cannot recall "choosing" to act how I did either, making the choice that much more difficult to understand because how can you feel either if you didn't chose your action, or cannot remember it as a choice. It felt like "Instinct" and I was doing it and didn't realize what I was doing until I was fully engaged in the attack.

Everything happened so fast, and I didn't have time to "choose" in the normal sense.

At time when I'm not debating if it was bad or good that I did it, I admit that my actions probably are the reason my sister is alive today.

What I cannot talk about is Love. I cannot discuss it in this memory. It is hard to admit that perhaps what made me act was not instinct, not guilt or pride, but very basic and strong emotions of love and protectiveness for my little sister.

I can remember other memories from near that time period when I was very protective of her, with my other abuser, my Dad, and with neighborhood bullies throwing rocks at us, and when my parents were engaged in fighting and violence.

Maybe this trauma memory flashback is just a worse and PTSD-tied version of the other 'normal' memories of when I protected her.

What hurts is that my sister struggles with chronic PTSD with Bipolar features and suicidal struggles. She tried to drown herself, re-enacting.

I have had a nightmare that her body was found in water, same with my mom, due to drowning. Of course this is part of PTSD.

What PTSD complicates for me is my understanding of love. My sister has violently lashed out at me, pushing me violently into water, and she remembers the event incorrectly, blaming me for it, and not realizing I was the one saving her. I think it is less scary/abusive power differential if the mom was deleted from the memory and the sibling the same age was responsible.

How can I admit that I love my sister, even though she blames me for her drowning trauma, when I saved her life, and that I didn't really have a choice. Love is a powerful influence.

If Love made me save her by attacking my mom, maybe it was Love for my father that made my Mom drown us so he would not at risk for exposure for the abuse.

Love seems to be the "out of control" emotion in this memory that I am not comfortable with.
How can I admit that I love my sister, even though she blames me for her drowning trauma, when I saved her life, and that I didn't really have a choice. Love is a powerful influence.

Love is a powerful influence and overcomes evil, I believe. How are you @Muse ? I have not seen you around in awhile and hoping that all is well for you and missing you too.:hug::hug::hug:
@Muse I have just read a bit of your Diary. I really feel for you. We have some things in common in our lives, you and I. I have two Trauma Diaries, one just for my emotions and the other details all my traumas, in the other Trauma Diary Forum. Anyway, I just wanted to say I am really sorry for all the troubles you have endured. I hope you can deal with the issues around LOVE. That is a most needed emotion for us to help us to overcome PTSD. We need to receive it and we need to be able to give it too. Cofusions on it are probably something that needs to be dealt with in therapy, I think. I wish you the best with that.
Thank you, Rain. I have not been on the forum for a long time, and I felt like checking in and saw your reply first thing on my alerts! Thank you for the welcoming.

There's so many details and triggers that I don't see posted in my diary, showing me how my intellect allows me to summarize what my traumas are herein but never let my heart's guard down to post the details that really have emotional holds on me. I think this is normal for people, especially with PTSD, but always with trauma.

My husband got me a dog, Molly, in 2013. She bonded with me and supported me in learning how to ground and process my feelings and traumas more quickly.

My husband also doesn't like the way reading on the forum emphasizes my triggers. It is almost a guaranteed trigger to get on and read other's posts and diaries, which I tend to do. I want to learn to connect with people not only over trauma and PTSD but as human beings who have suffered and are learning to move forward and encounter healing and good in their lives.

I am so blessed. I have the most wonderful husband who has been there for me for 20 years. He didn't want a dog but he knew it was what I would be blessed by and he got one for me. Molly is the best dog for me, the universe knew what it was doing.

In addition to that, being more grounded, I was able to ascertain the extent to which Wheat Sensitivity was driving my PTSD and mood. I am still undiagnosed as far as Wheat Allergy or Celiac? But what is obvious is that I cannot eat Gluten, and this is a mood problem aside from PTSD but which was keeping my PTSD in high alert.

Going Gluten Free, having my long-term relationship with my loving husband, and my dog were healing steps given to me. I also have a supportive mother in law, and we communicate through writing a lot. She is like my real mom.

I took the leap to move across country and far from the trauma and those responsible. This removed a lot of my anger and feeling afraid of my own temptations to retaliate.

I had the Hot Spot flashback upon moving here. It was really horrible. After going through that, I knew I was through the worst of my traumas, and I was ready to let the flashbacks and focus on my trauma go. I'm back to the land of the living.

Now, I'm focused on staying in balance. I don't have flashbacks or nightmares. I have some minor stress dreams. Triggers float up and I feel them, but I know what they attach to and how that doesn't own my spirit. My spirit is focused on the living and the love I have around me.

It's still hard for me to have energy. I am tired all the time. I get Shingles and feel overwhelmed a lot. So I'm not out of the woods with PTSD. Maybe never will be, but I'm so grateful for the love and support I have been given, and have been able to give back to.

My father who was abusive to the family and to me, has died. I feel peace about his being passed and moving through the journey his spirit is on. I feel that God has control of this, and I have stipulated to God that I will never return to live a life with that soul again. I have washed my hands of all of that, and no longer imagine I can save or help that soul. I believe in free will, and my will is good. I won't have to be around that soul again. Whatever happens to it, is not any of my concern.

I feel that this is all part of a closure process that I'm having with that cycle, and I'm actually pleased that progress has been made.
Same with my siblings. I am
@Muse I am so happy to hear about how well you are thriving right now in spite of the adversityies in your life. This was great news to read. I am really happy for you and love that you have a dog now. I wish only good things for you because you deserve them.:hug:
learning to accept that my siblings were abused by our father and they might never come to terms with it or be able to remember. I have let go any expectations of that and let go of them in love. I realized how much I was stuck feeling like I always had to save them. I am not in that family and don't have to chase saving them anymore. I am free.

Both of them have issues and codependency with their abusers, and I see both of them as children in adult bodies. It is for me to get out of the way and let the universe and God and higher power do its work with them. I am not needed, so I just show them signs of my compassion and love.

I reached out to each of them after the death and let them know I was thinking of them and their families in love. My sister is undergoing some darkness, and is still in a dark place, despite putting up appearances to the world with a big smile, a fake smile. She has allowed me to know that she feels depressed and defeated, even going on a trip hoping to find death there. I have been blessed to have been able to respond to her with love and support, which I am grateful to be able to do. I think it took a little out of me, but I am proud that I could do it. I hope that makes sense.

I am now struggling with feeling like a good person, working on some of the shame and negative self-views. I have some strong positive views, too, and I'm just trying to feed the good, and being positive and practicing hope and trust, listening to others, and trusting life. I still have some days I cannot leave my house if I don't have to, that's an ongoing problem, health, and unable to go shopping for myself, all are painful problems that I have only made tiny babysteps in but I am okay with that.

Please feel free to post here, and I hope you see how great you are and how appreciated your presence is. :)
Thank you so much, you are in a better place than me and I aspire to get to where you are at now.:hug: