Around The Bend

[The Albatross]

A series of small, self care goal setting might be in order. Short and one day ones at first. When you get the hang of those, go on to a couple like a short term goal: I will take a nap or lie quietly for 20-30 minutes. And: I will sit outside with tea or work in the yard 15 minutes for 7 days in a row.

The first you can likely do with relative ease... the second might be trickier. Skip a day and you're back at day 1.

As with anything else, goal setting becomes a habit and then a new behavior. If you've ever seen the Day Zero Project... that is 101 goals in 1001 days... when I set mine up (I have around 600 days left now)... I did some one day ones, some 7 day ones, some 30 day ones, some 90 day ones, some 6 month ones and some one year ones. The longest though is the approx. 2 3/4 years I get if/when I complete it.

I think Stein put it up a couple years ago... some are silly, some are self care, some are writing assignments, some are leisure, some are exercise, some are... well you get the idea.

Even the list of 101 things was a major accomplishment for me. It is different though than a Bucket List. I want to accomplish all these things for myself in the time period... I don't want to wait or have unrealistic goals (like world travel) with an open time period (before I die).

 

[Powder]

I've been eating new, healthy meals (vegan). In the past, I found it helpful to go vegan for brief periods for some reason, like a cleanse.

Also, I have been using my treadmill in the evening for two evenings and felt better! Not tonight. Too tired after heavy bleeding and dentist today.

I feel you are correct. Just doing the half hour of self care was like a light bulb turning on. :)

 

[Powder]

This site is not official but describes my mother in detail as a narcissist. http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html

This helps me feel something has been settled because, although I've always wanted to know what was abnormal about her and why she was not the mother I needed, the actual label has been illusive. Not that I am able to diagnose her; however, she has, in her own way, diagnosed herself by divulging just enough over the years in the rare moments of transparency, which is quickly retracted in fear, that she feels all the things listed in descriptions of narcissists. In fact, she projected it to her own mother, who may also have shared some of the NPD traits.

Rather than labeling and making that stand in the place of understanding, I see this as helpful to me because I have studied pedo dad's who marry disordered moms in order to take advantage of their naivete. Such mothers often fail to protect or listen to their abused kids due to their own abnormal perceptions and reality. By accepting this "diagnosis" of my mother, I accept that she has a far-from-healthy mental and emotional functioning and world-view. By accepting this, then, it was not that there was something "wrong" with me as a kid when she wouldn't listen to my cries for help from the sexual and emotional abuse of my father. Her fear of him, as a narcissist, keeps her coming back for more. Apparently, NPD people equate fear/respect/admiration for love, with actual love being a real challenge for them. Love takes vulnerability and intimacy that NPD people like my mom fear more than anything else. She would rather be alone and in superficiality of life than submit herself to intimacy of any kind.

I'm working at seeing some of these traits for what they are and realizing that I was raised this way as "normal." Coming into constant contact with a variety of people, I was aware from a young age that there was something "wrong" with "them" both and that I was going to have to go on ahead in life on my own wits in search of whatever is "around the bend" and far away from "here."

Interesting that "around the bend" is an idiomatic expression for "crazy." When a fairly normal person is raised in an abusive home with people who know they have mental health issues that they refuse to deal with, and instead, they treat said child as a possession to play with, that "normal child" must paradoxically go "around the bend" to depart from Wonderland, climbing up the rabbit's hole back to the real world and to reclaim true humanity, must find one's way "back" to where one has never been but has always wanted to be.

It's still going to be a hell of a climb. My life is not about reaching the summit, I have to face facts, but it is about accepting the responsibility for my life.

 

[Powder]

More on the mother. "If it's not one thing, it's your mother."

Incest:
The most extreme cases of mother-daughter jealousy appear in families where there is incest. If the father is the offender and the mother becomes jealous of the father-daughter relationship, then she too becomes an offender and she cannot put the daughter first. Instead, she sees her daughter like “the other woman, going after her husband.” In most incest cases we have worked with, when the father is the offender, this is not the case. The mother takes the side of the child as it should be and leaves the offender. However, sometimes we see the dynamic of jealousy in the mother and this is heartbreaking. In those situations, the daughter is not only a victim of sexual abuse but also a victim of her mother’s envy and hatred.
(source: [DLMURL]http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201310/mothers-who-are-jealous-their-daughters[/DLMURL])

Ouch. This hurts. Yes, it is heartbreaking, but it's my life. I don't want to take the word victim personally, but it's hard not to.

It's hard to hear my T. say I could feel pity for my mother's life. I do feel pity for her, and I realize she will never change. Only I can change, and that's hard enough to accomplish! :)

I know my mom is aware of her narcissism and that of her mother, grandmother, etc. She knows it is a passed down personality disorder. She, however, claims it is genetic. This is yet one manifestation of the NPD cop out of responsibility. It's someone else's fault and she has no responsibility for any of it.

What I don't know is 1. Why don't I feel irresponsible? Why am I not like this, too?
2. What traits am I doing that are like NPD? Do I have this to some degree? I am afraid I could have more issues than just PTSD, dissociation, etc.

I do not want to be like my mom. I want to be a good mom, who listens to and honors the true selves of my two daughters. I want to love them unconditionally, and think I am on that pathway. What if I'm not doing as well as I think I am?

Just accepting that my mom has NPD is leaving me with a feeling of vulnerability and concern about the passing down of this kind of mothering. I definitely need to bring this up in T. but we are heading in to EMDR and trauma therapy. I guess it will come up if and when it needs to, when I'm ready.

 

[Powder]

The added stinger is that although the above is what occured, she turned the screws on while never admitting why. She is still denying that he abused us. She is still trying to blame others and make herself look like the victim.

When I last spoke with her, she said she remembers it that "I" called my sibs and broke the news to them, when in fact, she, against my wishes, called them and told them I'm a nutter who is accusing Dad and must be pushed out as a traitor. They closed ranks against me. (But of course, this is all due to my own doings. After all, she is perfect and I am dirt unless I happen to manage to somehow make her look good in front of "real people.") She conveniently remembers all wrongdoing as done by someone else, and all good ideas or actions, were somehow magically done by her. It is truly crazy making, weird thinking to grow up with. We were given no support, only impossibly high expectations, no lessons...we were supposed to be naturals, instantly, at everything and make them look like they should take all the credit for our "success."

No wonder I have had trouble giving myself time to learn things, credit, or permission to not be instantly good at things or at least appearing to be good at everything. If I don't feel like I'm the genuine McCoy, what's the point of faking it? I am learning that it's more important to know I've worked hard and gained some ground than to give a false impression. I should not fall back on her philosophy of being fake and plastically perfect. I don't want to be so unhappy, fake, and deceptive. I want to be myself, to be fine with who and what I am, and to not be reliant on deceiving others for my social position.

Never tell a Narcissist what you want, because they enjoy withholding it from you to test your devotion. In the absence of real love and intimacy, one craves the outward devotion that always involves sacrifice. No mutual enjoyment allowed. And sharing was, to her, a way of never providing (you can just borrow my hairbrush, shoes, clothes, etc. You don't need things.) But then, she could control and withhold and inflict guilt on me. (I need them, go away.) One way to ensure you won't get your wants or needs met is to disclose them to a NPD. I learned this about age 10 with Xmas. I found out my Grandma wanted to know what the kids wanted in order to be able to get them something for Xmas that they would for sure like, or something really similar or even better. She ensured there was an element of surprise, but more than anything, she wanted to ensure the money was spent on something of value to the recipient. She was the total opposite of my mom, which I found confusing.

My mom, if we told her what liked, would say "Now I can't get you that because that would ruin the surprise," or act miffed that we should want anything. She would give us whatever she wanted us to want, and it was usually something that someone else she admired would want. She had no sense of identity other than getting compliments from those around her, and we were mere accessories. We weren't supposed to want or need anything. In fact, most of the time, we were given gifts that bore the message that we should not expect anything from them.

The one time they got me something that I truly liked, a doll called Soft Sounds, I think they wanted to look good in front of my Grandfather and Uncle/Aunt. If others didn't see us opening it, it was calculated to disappoint. She said, if we didn't say thank you and fake gratitude and excitement, then we would get worse and worse gifts (or nothing at all), not only from them, but everyone, because that's how psychology worked.

Now, I have trouble buying myself anything without feeling guilt. I feel good when I buy things for my kids and husband because I feel like it shows me that I am not like her. She would not have taken any pleasure in letting us select and enjoy things that she got us. So I like knowing I am not like that. But I sometimes don't feel I deserve anything OR that if I get it, I'm afraid I will feel the guilt later. When I finally buy myself something because I have to have work clothes, I feel a twinge of guilt if I enjoy them. When I zip on my new boots, and think, "I like these boots" I suddenly feel I've done something wrong and will be punished. I feel like I have to pay for it. But this is silly and totally just emotional baggage. I feel like I'm in bondage to the mother-wound and inflicting it to myself now. I just don't know how to think and feel in the absence of the punishment and shame of my family of origin. I keep trying to move away from it, but it comes from my unconscious, deep in my shadow self. I don't know where it comes from or how to heal it.

If I take measures to self-care, there is this internal mother exacting payment, sabotaging me, jealous of me, and wanting to keep me down low. I am Snow White. I have to look raggedy and work-worn to justify my own existence to the jealous Queen. This keeps me safe. If I try to be the Queen of my own Heart, she will try to cut it out of my chest. I don't feel safe to be me. I will be attacked! Either mom or dad will try to cut me down to size, break me, chain me, and see my light as too bright for their eyes.

 

[Powder]

I feel both anger and depression about the above. And I accept that as a normal reaction to being punished for having basic survival needs.

I am going to do something kind for myself today, like use my treadmill and paint my toenails. And I am going to enjoy it and not feel guilty because it is okay to be kind to oneself.

 

[Powder]

Oops, couldn't do it. Ended up just being to tired.

Now I remember that if we got anything nice from anyone, my mom would punish us. We got a nice, home-made headboard and quilt and matching curtains from her Mom, and she then would come into our space and yell and shake us and call us ungrateful.

I got boots once from my dad. My mom made fun of them and me for picking something too grown up and nice. She made me feel foolish; I couldn't wear them anymore. Then, she would yell at me for not wearing everything in my closet, which is why I was ungrateful. She refused to buy us anything but rags from the thrift store, one item at a time, so that none of it matched or fit together. Therefore, I had very little that I could wear. Mostly, all I could wear was homemade from the other grandma or hand-me-down from a cousin. I knew my teachers and classmates dressed much more presentably than my sister and I.

So when she abused us for being ungrateful, I felt both that she was right, but also wrong, because we had nothing to be grateful for. So we were ungrateful, but only because we had little to wear, play with, or look forward to. We had to pay for our own clothes (half) so that we were extremely limited. By only buying clearance and one item per season, we never could make a real outfit. We usually got one outfit in the fall, but that was it.

I finally figured out why I felt that way as soon as I feel enjoyment of something I have, I fear a repercussion. But now that my mom in not in my life, I don't have to feel that way anymore. I tell my H. not to make negative comments about my clothes because it has too much pain behind it. I can't take the criticism well. It brings up years of emotional abuse.

I also hate getting the feeling that one of my supervisors is lording over me. I have a feeling of persecution from her that is oppressive to me. She reminds me a lot of my mother, so that I (and really everyone at work) hates her. She is a narcissist. I should be reading up how to manipulate a narcissist, but I'm too hurt and angry to be practical right now. I just hate having them around me. I have DONE MY TIME with NPD a-holes. I don't have the perspective to pity them. I don't know if I ever will.

 

[Powder]

I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that I dismissed my narcissist mother only to now have her appear again as a supervisor. I have had this "same supervisor" twice already. This type of woman is slightly older than me, beautiful, arrogant, and extremely jealous. Her sole desire is to crush me to eliminate a potential threat to her feeling of total superiority.

As a survivor, I give off an air of independence and self-containment that is (I think) threatening to this type of narcissist. I have not figured out how to not be the threat to them. It seems to help to be very outwardly "respectful" toward such people, yet, they will still look for anything they can to criticize and cut me with.

Basically, I feel that I have to accept that if I exude a false sense of strength to ward off abusers like a rabbit foot, then I have to deal with the backlash of it. If I act more feminine and vulnerable and passive, then I won't trip the jealous wire of these competitive narcissists. I also maybe don't see my own narcissism traits that square off with them? Not sure.

I have, in the past, run away without giving notice after being literally singled out and having my character totally and without basis attacked by these evil queens. Now, I am willing to sit with this discomfort and ask myself what is my part in these exchanges and how can I stop this pattern?

These woman are literally everywhere I go. New Age says that I literally "attract" my mother wherever I go in order to remind myself to heal that initial wound before moving on. However, I doubt I attract them directly; I mean, everyone at work hates this woman. In the past, it seemed I was the only one under fire from the woman. Everyone else flattered and dissembled before the throne of the evil queen. I guess I didn't see the need until it was too late. And I guess I'm too pissed off and proud to do a good job of flattery. Something in me blocks that. I am not good at sugarcoating things unless I feel it is for the emotional vulnerability of a child or someone at my mercy, then I'm great at it and feel responsible for their feelings.

I guess if someone has authority over me, I probably resent it, and maybe, though I try to hide it, they can feel it. I do feel that I can barely tolerate anyone having any authority or control at all over me. I innately find it hard to breathe under such conditions. They are too triggering still.

I bet I have so much trouble repressing my hatred for the authority figures that abused me, my parents, that I give off an air of indifference and maybe even subtle rebellion. Maybe this is a threat to the vulnerable narcissist who doubts their ability to deserve their position. I just don't know how to not get singled out and attacked by these. Luckily, I am not so avoidant now in PTSD land. I am willing to listen and hear about others at work who are being ill treated by this unfeeling, cold supervisor who lords over us. So at least I can see I'm not "special" and everyone is getting her shit. In the past, I didn't stick around long enough to see that I was not the only one getting abused.

If anyone has any advice about how to work with narcissists without cozying up to them (I really want to have as little to do with her as possible) I'm all ears. Also, I have read that they only listen to those they fear. They admire those who are clearly more intelligent and powerful than they. This fear, they confuse with love. ??? I just don't know in a workplace though and have found nothing on the internet for working with passive aggressives and narcissists.

 

[Powder]

Going in for minor surgery tomorrow is causing a bit of static, emotionally.

I woke up to a strong positive memory bleeding into a dream. I recalled what it was like one Christmas to go to my Grandma's house. I saw her face radiant and smiling; sometimes, my Grandma had a certain glow of energy that lit up her face and drew my attention. I ran up to her and threw my arms around her broad neck. She was a large woman, so when I hugged her, I felt small. But she made me feel like a million bucks a pound. She loved me.

I don't know if it was a memory or if we were visiting in spirit. I have had visits from my dead loved ones before. I believe she still loves me from wherever she is now and will be watching over me still tomorrow. I am afraid. And I miss her the way she was then.

I keep coming back to a house that is "mine" and was "hers" in my dream. It is a spiritual mansion that in my mind flows from my matrilocal ancestry. It is a modern house with long, clean lines, many windows opening out to a serene view, and is craftman wood all throughout. The lighting is subdued and more like candlelight. It is like a Frank Loyd Wright and Californian style hybrid.

The only people in my dreams who have been inside this house are my grandma, her son, my uncle, and my family. In my dream, I have been given the house by my grandma. It is a place that I feel is always hers, yet legally mine. This house is similar to her real house; but I have never been in it in real life, unlike her house, where I had the happy memory. So there is some dream interface between this fantasy house I keep returning to. Maybe it is my souped up dream version of her home that I internalized. After all, when I was born in Seattle, I was taken to her house. It was my first home. (Didn't realize that connection til just now!)

 

[Candleflames]

What a beautiful memory and dream for you to be experiencing right now. I hope surgery goes well for you tomorrow!

Hugs if you want them. :hug:

 

[Powder]

This grandma died just a few days after Thanksgiving two years ago. I feel that some of the grieving may be stuck, if I'm having to dream my good memories of her. My "normal" day self has trouble allowing and processing memory and emotion. I tend to push it away automatically. Since Carolyn died within months of my realization of my Traumatic Memory, I was not strong enough (still am not) to spend time with the perpetrators in order to attend the funeral. I was not strong enough to make the trip to see her prior to her death. She was already mentally gone, but I would have had some closure. It helps to see the person decline and accept that it is "their time" and that they no longer have a good body to inhabit here. She had a long life.

I do spend some time "talking" to her and her ex, my mom's parents. I pray to ask them to watch over my mother and use whatever power they have to help her soul. My mother is a narcissist and is married to an abusive man, my father. Her life and choices are hers to make, and I simply with her the best with life, with me not in it. Because she did do some nice things for her kids, I do wish for her soul to grow and not be diminished further by life circumstances. Couldn't we all use a little help from heaven?

Part of my grieving process is letting go of a sense of spiritual responsibility for my family of origin. I had a sense that I was sent here to try to help them, even though they abused me. As an adult, I am integrating more learning and realizing that "it doesn't work that way." They have free will. I also believe that our cords must be cut, and they have done too much damage to their kids to find good in themselves there. Every time my father looks at photos of us, he experiences emotions and cries. I think he feels guilt, shame, remorse, etc. Guilt could help him to make better choices, but shame and remorse is a daily reminder of his evil. Feeling evil is unhelpful. We tend to drive into whatever we focus our eyes upon. We need to be aware of evil in order to swerve out of its way, but we should not fix our minds on it, even on our own evil.

I grieve the childhood that I wished was mine and the power to fix or help others. Now I see that it takes a ton of work over a lifetime to better oneself even a little, not a lot. And that is for each of us to do. Nobody can do it for us. Boundaries.

Even if I could help my parents by sacrificing myself, I do not think they deserve it or are worthy of my sacrifice. It would be out of balance with nature. Takers and givers leave the world without stability. It is stabilizing when each person takes care of him or herself with the oxygen mask before helping others. This is hard to integrate.

 

[Powder]

Having such a tough time post-surgery. I have been feeling extraordinary fatigue in ways I have never had it before.

I feel like my sleep isn't recharging my battery, and, yet I woke yesterday with energy and gusto. Today, the opposite; it's gone...I pushed too hard and did too much with it, maybe.

I have had the worst "PMS" headache of my life that is actually, I think, a virus, because my H. has it too, along with the pain in the neck/shoulders and stomach indigestion feeling. So, we are both run down sick.

On top of all this, my toddler had an impacted colon last week while I was trying to recover and work. Plus, I got told (late, in an email) that one of my work contracts was getting dropped at the last minute, so now I get to look forward to poverty this winter.

In fact, I'm totally angry at God and feel like I'm ready to become an atheist. This is the last straw.

I did so much work to find my T. and now my work is weirdly dropping my pay just enough to make affording therapy impossible.

I definitely have the feeling that no matter how much I try, nothing ever will work out for me, like God is cursing me.

I'm sure having Complex PTSD is a large factor in the "loss of meaning" systems that attempts to categorize what "this shit feels like" but that doesn't do it justice.

Well, I am processing the myriad of ways my mother insisted on holding out on me. Maybe I am projecting this neglect onto God as I am processing it. It seems now that I am willing to "sit with this feeling" of deliberate, systematized neglect, withholding, and shaming on her part, I have to feel it surround and choke me now.

This is how it was when I got stuck in processing other traumatic and also just very dark memories. It feels like a miasma of it envelopes me for about 2-3 weeks, or maybe even a full lunar cycle, until the process becomes so painful to hold that it MUST be discharged in order to move on. Something has to be "changed" and "fixed" about it. I need to locate the painful false belief and replace it with a more truthful and positive one that works for me now.