Arousal caused by horrible dreams

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profound apology, barefoot. no misdirect intended.
i join you in wishing for a delete option on this site. just wishing. . .

gentle support while you find the answers you are looking for.
Barefoot I hope you are ignoring this thread so it doesn’t bother you that I’m responding to it. I think your question is really relevant and helpful for those of us untangling csa and asa crap. I wanted to love Friday’s response because it really helped me open my eyes about how a human mind might interpret safety through a dream. It reminded me of when I disclosed an event with my T that I was sure indicated I was a sexual abuser and she said not even close—I had never considered that perspective for a minute.

being so open with her today and then posting about it feels...well, pretty awful actually
Seems completely understandable and also the hallmark of exposure therapy— does it ever feel good to get big deal stuff out? Even if it ends up being “not that bad” in the eyes of a compassionate witness all the uncomfortable feelings are really there.
from what I have read if trauma happens before physical maturity orgasm becomes a way to get the calming and soothing chemicals that are released.
I don’t know why this really bothers me—a lot! I think because it’s probably true. And because it reminds me of the whole mind-f*ckiness of it all. That’s something that I’m super bothered by. And I think it’s why there are parts of me that want to completely split off from anything having to do with sex. Because there’s too much mind-f*ckery to deal with. I’m a K-8 teacher, and parts of me want to live in that sanitized PG-13 world ONLY. I’ve come this far, I can cope with adult bills and adult parenting, and adult responsibilities. But the sex stuff feels like a giant mess of anger and misunderstanding—so some parts of me are convinced we can just get rid of it. But… yeah… no… because of the chemical thing and this quote that FreddyT said and 🤬 csa when I was a freakin’ baby.

Anyway! About the dreams… I had a dream which I have maybe shared in my diary but not with T because it was so disgusting and I was not erotically charged, I was mortified. But I was so angry at myself for having it. I think the point was for me to see in real life how disgusting my ex was. I also have dreams where I’m trying to have sex with random people, just using their body, but there’s no privacy, which I’m craving. Even where I just break off their genitals to keep with me. Last night I read about the Darwin’s bark spider where the male breaks off his own genitals and leaves them in the female as a plug to block other males, but some females have been found with multiple male genitals stuck in them.

Now I’m rambling. Hope you’re ignoring this! 😅
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