As a Partner...A Question For PTSD Sufferers

[Cin]

Do I really consider myself a carer?

I don't know. I am not his parent, I am his friend. I do for him what I do for all the people I love, love him without condition. He doesn't want me to mother him, he wants me to be his equal, to listen when he needs me to listen, laugh with him when he wants to laugh, just be there without talking when he needs company, not judge him when he has an episode or make him feel bad for mishandling a situation. I don't feel like it's a job, yet some times it makes me tired (ok, more than some times)... I could say the same thing about my mother though and I'm not her carer.

Do PTSD sufferers like feeling like they need to be cared for? Or do they want their loved ones to be honest with them, not walk around on egg shells, not give into their every whim?

:dontknow:

 

[Cin]

I dunno, maybe it's just me but if I felt like someone thought they were my carer, I would probably feel like a burden... I don't want to make him feel like that...

 

[fin]

Welcome Cin,

I think you need to read as much as you can here, all of us are different and it will help you to get a better picture of how we cope or don't cope in or out of caring relationships.

I personally would not want someone to walk on eggshells aroung me, I think a lot of us are that way. There is a lot of guilt that comes with PTSd and that in itself impacts in on how we feel in relationships, any relationships I believe, whether it is friendship, parenting or married.

As a joke I would like to say that every now and again I wouldn't mind have a whim granted, but you aren't joking, and maybe neither am I. I like what you wrote above in the first part of your post. Being listened to, someone to laugh with, non judgemental...

I believe you also have to be able to communicate with him. That communication will help you to understand, have this conversation with him. And read as much as you can about all the "joys " of PTSD there is a wealth of understanding from carers that have already travelled this path and they have written much that you may find helpful.



the last part of your post; your question..."Do PTSD sufferers like feeling like they need to be cared for? Or do they want their loved ones to be honest with them, not walk around on egg shells, not give into their every whim?"

I think if you ask yourself this question...i.e. do you like?...would you want?...you may find you have some answers. Of course he may be someone that likes this, that does want his every whim catered for but it isn't because of the PTSD, ptsd wont make you like that...well I don't think it will anyway. Oh and we all want to be cared for; PTSD regardless, it is how you define the term "cared for" that you have to think about.

I welcome you Cin and hope that it works out for you, what you are trying to do is a beautiful thing. I believe that working it through with him as an equal will help you to find the answers, and in getting to know more about the subject, you need to read, and talk with him.

I hope this has helped some and I wish you well.

~fin

 

[Grama-Herc]

All I have ever wanted was someone to try to "understand" me when I am not at my best. Someone to NOT ask me "what's wrong" when I am not being quite so nice or outgoing and when I stay in my room for days. Just ask if I am OK and is there anything you can do for me.

Don't walk on eggs shells. Be yourself and care for the person in your life. Care for them just like you would if they did not have this monster in their life. But IMHO, honor their boundries. That to me is important, very important.

The key word is carer. All you need to do is CARE, care and be there. And yes, it can be very tiring.

 

[Claire]

The most important this is acceptance. I want my friends to accept the things I tell them about PTSD or my behaviours and not to judge me by it. I like their support but I also try to be a good friend to them too. Its a 2 way thing being a friend. A carer is someone who just gives. That's not the kind of relationship I want or need with my friends.

 

[patrick]

Hi Cin,

I can only speak for myself, but I absolutely hate being taken care of, or for anybody to think I need taking care of. If I get a sense that people are being careful around me, walking on egg shells, trying not to upset me, I get to where I don't want to be around them at all. It's just too tiring to have to worry about not upsetting them.

I think in this regard I may be different from a lot of others, but I have heard these sentiments expressed by other guys, particularly the ones in my veterans PTSD group. I really appreciate you caring enough to find this place and ask the question. Your friend is lucky to have you as a friend.

Pat

 

[Cin]

I grew up really hating being pitied. I hated people looking at me as "oh that poor child, her father nearly died in that car accident and now he is brain damaged" I really grew to resent it. I hated being defined by the dramas surrounding my childhood and have wondered whether my friend feels the same. Very few people know he has PTSD or that he was a victim of childhood abuse, as he keeps so many at a distance and I know for me, I refuse to belittle him by treating as someone who needs to be cared for but at the same time, I take into account that his needs are very different from mine and what he needs from me as his friend/girlfriend isn't so different from what other men want, but I guess on a more concentrated scale and spasmodic.

Anyway, I just wanted to know how other sufferers felt about being "cared" for because I think sometimes as the loved ones, we can be a little insulting to the sufferer without meaning to be...if that makes sense.

 

[fin]

Patrick it isn't just a male thing, I hate it too, I just cant stand the idea that someone can't relax around me because of this. I would wind up avoiding someone if I couldn't help them to relax about it. The problem comes when you are all out and you still have to try to ...hence the people avoidance kicking in some.

Avoiding people isn't just about being afraid of being hurt for me...also fear of being constantly misunderstood, and constantly having to explain, it wears me out some. Hence for years playing down how I have felt and not always talking about what has happened, it has not always gone down well, and mostly isn't fit for "polite conversation". People either think I am putting it on that I have a problem, (mainly because I wont always elaborate) and they don't want to understand what PTSD is. Or they think it is all in my pretty little head and that I am over sensitive...yuck.

Of course that said I will probably get all that way now...hah!

2way caring- because we have PTSD doesn't mean we can't contribute to a caring relationship. Being cared for and caring for someone else, that is healthy isn't it? I think it is beautiful what Cin is doing in trying to find out more.

 

[Countrygent]

I'm hesitant to know how much one person's experience relates to another but I would say the following are really helpful:

- unconditional love and encouragement regardless of the disability

- openness to talk, willingness to learn

- reassurance that there are family and friends around who understand

- gentle prodding for movement, fresh air, activity, nutrition, sleep habits .. without pushing. For me the accompanying depression and full body soreness/weakness has made getting out and about a challenge

A trivial example - an invite to a Saturday night get-together and dinner for a dozen or so old friends. Very challenging for me as my anxiety can run off the rails (go figure). My wife doesn't say it is easy or deny my fears - instead encourages me by saying how much our friends want to see me, that we can always turn around and come home if I can't do it ... we can leave at any time once we are there ... for me it was like a safety net and turned out I not only had a nice time but also did get alot of warmth and support from our friends. And I spent a good part of the next day exhausted from the nervous tension it caused too.

Supportive and non-judgemental encouragement through comfortable "space" to talk when ready ... realy helps me. But everybody is different, and it was a different situation for me in the early going when I was overwhelmed by shame and denial of mental illness.

Good luck.

 

[Mina]

Hi, Cin - I absolutely hate feeling like I need to be cared for over and above what I'd consider "normal" for a wife...but the truth is, sometimes I do. For example, being soothed when I have nightmares, or needing to cry and be held when I'm upset and triggered. That's really weird for me, and feels more like a parent/child thing than a husband/wife thing. However, when I've talked to DH about it, he says he doesn't see it as odd at all; in his book, those are just regular husband things to do. He doesn't feel like a carer, although I feel like he is being one.

This has led me to think about the definition of the word "carer" and that perhaps we each bring our own past into our interpretation of it. In your case, it appears that you see being a carer as someone who walks around on eggshells, isn't always honest, tries not to upset the other person, and gives into their whims. When you define it like that, it sounds like a crummy, weak role to me. However, someone else might interpret the word carer as a partner who acknowledges triggers, knows how to react to the person when they're triggered, helps ground them, offers to listen or make suggestions, and doesn't judge reactions. Sounds pretty different to me when defined that way.

And it doesn't mean you have to feel sorry for the person, pity them, mother them, condescend to them, or take on a role you're uncomfortable with. It means you sometimes operate within a different set of needs, just like other people do under all kinds of non-PTSD circumstances.

I hated being defined by the dramas surrounding my childhood and have wondered whether my friend feels the same.

Have you asked him? Some other good questions might be, what are your specific needs? How can I meet them? If you do feel defined by the drama, how can I help alleviate that?

 

[Cin]

Thanks Mina, I will ask him those things. Though, I'm pretty sure I know the answer to the first question. For months I was the only person who knew about his diagnosis, very few people know about the abuse he suffered throughout his childhood and his reason for this is that he doesn't want people to pity him. His children have no idea about the abuse he suffered or the PTSD, sure, they see the effects of it but have no understanding of why he is the way he is. His brother found out about the PTSD from me, the first time my BF had a shut down during our relationship. They are twins, the only family each other have (besides their children and spouse) and my BF didn't even tell him about it. I guess shame plays a big part in it. While my BF was abused, his twin wasn't and maybe my BF thinks his brother won't understand? Maybe there is some resentment?

Anyway, thanks for your responses. This may sound strange, but it is easier to grasp reading it from some one other than him what it is he is going through (although I know everyone is different).

 

[usmc9911]

Cin,
For me it just depends on the day, when I am experiencing a low I want to be left alone, I want to isolate myself, lock my wife and my kids out of my computer room which I refer to as my "cave" and just hide. But even with that being said I still feel like I need the support of others. Sometimes I feel like my spouse has had enough of all of this, not that I can blame her I am sure the emotional detachment and numbness is hard for her to handle. I think I want everyone to walk on egshells because I can at times become so explosive, which is a side of me I hate. But all in all I need my wife's support and the support of others on my road to recovery. When I am pushed away I feel even more alienated than usual. We do appreciate the support though even if we have a hard time expressing it.

Ron