As A Supporter What If I Want Out?

[Catching_him]

We have been together 4 months most of which he's been gone on active duty.
I was honest with him about my problems with separation and that I needed reassurance of our "relationship", especially because we're 700 miles apart (or further).
He said he'd never let me go...etc, etc.
He's never promised he'd come home for good. So no guarantees that we'd be together even when/if he retires this year. Now he's pulling away (it's been 4 months). I'm a realist. I know I can't handle that. It's the first day he hasn't called me. I'm shutting down. We're from a small town, everyone knows everyone. He's jealous. He still loves me...I know that.
So how do I break this off without him freaking out? And without him getting pissed about anytime I go out and hears about it? He'll know everything/everyone I talk to before I get home!
But for both, or at least me, why let it go on hurting us and wasting time I/he could be with someone who will want to be with me/him long term?
How do I do this gracefully and without hurting him.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

Break ups suck. You can't make it all happy for him no matter what. Just say what you basically said here.

 

[Catching_him]

Ok...it seems reasonable. Reasonable to us...I worry it won't to him. He says he doesn't understandwhy I doubt his love...but I don't doubt it, I just need more attention and he can't give it, even if he wanted to. If I say that to him he will feel SO guilty. I will feel terrible. S*%t this is hard!!

 

[Justmehere]

Sometimes the best way to care and love someone is for you to take care of you, and to not try to overly care-take his emotions.

He is going to feel bad. You are going to feel bad. It is going to be hard, but that's not your fault. It's not your responsibility to make sure he never feels bad about his choices - and it's not healthy or helpful to him to seek to prevent him from ever feeling crappy. It will only enable him to stay stuck.

It sounds like you are making a decision that has been well thought through, and it is better than staying in a mis-matched relationship and ending up breaking up even further down the road, when you both resent each other.

You have stated your feelings very well here. Try approaching it like you have here.

If "freaking out" means he could jealously lash out at you, and you happen to not be long distance right now, then breakup with him in a public place, go get coffee or something somewhere, and talk to him there. If you are long distance, break up via Skype or phone (not text), with a friend nearby to support you.

If he acts out, don't hesitate to set clear boundaries.

As for handling how you will feel, keep reaching out for support. Break-ups are hard. So many songs are written out break-ups because they are hard, but it doesn't mean that you did anything to cause harm. :hug:

 

[Friday]

By gone on active duty, do you mean he's just stationed elsewhere, or is just out to sea/ on a training mission/ etc... Or is this guy deployed? How to break up with someone gracefully has radically different answers if he's just elsewhere, or at war.

 

[Atomic]

Yeah I was thinking that too. Probably not a good time if he's deployed.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@FridayJones
Definitely something to take into account... Seeing all those stickers on cars in war times like "I am your wife's boyfriend" :P But yea, seriously, a tough time for that.

@Catching_him Still, it's your life, your choice, and you have right not to be with someone, though I see why you might feel stuck.

 

[scout86]

So how do I break this off without him freaking out? And without him getting pissed about anytime I go out and hears about it? He'll know everything/everyone I talk to before I get home!

Is he really the kind of person who would do that?

I'm a realist. I know I can't handle that. It's the first day he hasn't called me. I'm shutting down.

I guess my suggestion would be that you go with that. It's not about him, it's not about how you feel about him, it's not about anyone else, it's about you not being cut out for the role of partner in that kind of relationship. And not everyone is. But, it's a fact that someone in the military may be unable to communicate with you for WAY more than a day at a time. And you didn't know for sure how it would affect you. Now you know.

And, I'd give some thought to what @FridayJones said. Being distracted in a war zone can get you, and others killed.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

Ok...it seems reasonable. Reasonable to us...I worry it won't to him. He says he doesn't understand...

He is better off with someone that needs less attention if that is your reason for wanting out.

 

[Sighs]

It's the first day he hasn't called me.

Could it be that he can't call you today for a good reason? Like the phone lines are down where he is? Or he's on an operation?

My understanding from your previous posts is that he is deployed. I would not expect to hear from my vet daily if he were on deployment.

 

[Catching_him]

Thank you all!
He's usually in the US...he trains soldiers all over the country, however he goes overseas on missions at least once a month with his team. He always tells me before hand so I know what to expect.
This time he was sitting in his apartment. I know he was depressed but I just wanted a call saying "don't feel like talking, goodnight". I'm good with that.
Then yesterday called me 3x! Do you see the problem here? Talked completely about himself, I just listened and he tried to joke around a little. I had a really busy stressful day and so it was hard for me to be upbeat. Hope that didn't push him away further...or maybe that would be good. He's training right now in VA, but is always able to have contact. He called from a helicopter last week!!
You all gave great advice. And maybe I'm not ready for any relationship, especially one like this.
And yes if I just break it off he'd freak out. I take care of his house, his dog, send his mail...etc. I feel used, only here when he needs me for something.
I wish someone could just tell me what to do...but I know that's impossible.

 

[Catching_him]

Sorry, I forgot to mention that we've only been together in the same place 2 weeks before he left. Then I drove there for 4 days over Christmas. We spent it with just ourselves.
I probably won't see him again in person again until July. He's saving his time off for his sons wedding, which is 4 hours from here. I was invited at first, now he doesn't mention me being there with him. I've made comments about not being there and he's not corrected me. So...I guess I'm not going. I'm almost want to wait until he's home and we can be together in the same place.