Sexual Assault As your rapist walks freely around society. do you keep tabs on your rapist?

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I used to do the same thing. I realized I did it to see if he lived near me, if he had married and was happy, etc. I also told my T that I was doing this and they suggested I stop as well. For a while I still did it, but eventually I realized he didn't care that he raped me as he was doing it, and probably still doesn't. What would looking him up do? Nothing to him but a lot to me and my psyche, and not in a productive way.

I understand the need to though nonetheless. What we find out doesn't really help much, at least it didn't with me. It just made me doubt and relive the event over and over again. It was torture for me all over again. The rape still bothers me to this day though. I have CPTSD and on February 11th I'll be reliving the event like I have many times before. In fact, it is a week or so away, and the PTSD is already showing up and giving me hell. But I am determined to not let it control me. I am going to allow my mind, body and spirit to feel what it needs to feel and honor the fact that I lived through it. Then I am going to try my damnedest to focus on the here and now. The here and now part will be easier said than done but I deserve to honor my grief at what happened and honor the fact that I am still alive, I am still here.

Maybe that all sounds silly but that is my experience. I hope something I have said helps you in some way. You are not alone. You are strong. You are a survivor. Don't be hard on yourself for being curious. But also don't let it consume you, like I almost did.
 
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