Ashamed About Allowing Recent Abuse

[Stormy Eagle]

I was the victim of childhood abuse, a true VICTIM. I suffered atrocities that were beyond my control, sometimes beyond my comprehension.

But recently, and during most of my adult years, I have allowed, and occasionally even sought, abuse.

The day I met Pedro he told me he was living in a shelter and was on Parole, and although I was living with my mother and daughter, I did my best to incorporate him into the household (until his 9pm curfew).

Starting the day after we met, I picked him up every day at 12pm (the minute his drug program ended), fed him lunch, fed him dinner, did his laundry or whatever else he needed done, bought him whatever he asked for, then drove him home at 9pm every night. With the exception of weekends, when he demanded I pick him up by 8am and drop him off at 10pm. If I didn't answer the phone every time he called he got furious.

By the time we were together a month, he had already stolen my grandmother's engadgement ring (the only thing of value I've ever owned) but I pretended I believed him when he said, "you probably put it down somewhere, you know you are always loosing things."

One month later I was reading his Parole Release Papers and found out he had Hep C...I asked him why he didn't tell me, and he denied having it, only to admit it days later. And although he had it for 20 years, and told me how awful the disease made him feel, when I asked him to use a condom he got violent (I didn't ask him to use one again). But I stayed with him.

By out third month together, he had hurt me more than once...month 12 he staged a break-in and stole $6000 cash...he was no longer welcome in our house, but by then he had moved into a room being paid for by Social Services...so I often stayed there with him.

Month 16, I was 3 months pregnant with his baby, he beat me and hung me in his closet by my neck...the next day I miscarried the baby. I stayed.

Month 22, he strangled me in front of a friend's house...she came out because the dogs were barking frantically...he jumped off me and ran. Two weeks later, after he threatened to kill me (yet again), I made a police report. They arrested him.

He is now in jail, and although at first I called the DA's office and begged them to drop the charges, with this time and space from him, I am often very angry...not only at him, but at myself. For nearly 2 years I endured daily abuse!!! I could have said no, but I didn't.

If they hadn't taken him away would it have ended? Would I have ended it? Very doubtfully...unless I had someone else to kick me around first.

I am very grateful for this last situation, it is what prompted me to start trying to pull my s*** together. But I can't believe I have encouraged people to abuse me for so long. I hate myself for asking for it. My child has suffered because her mom is such a f*** up!

A-L

 

[intothelight]

(((Stormy Eagle)))

You are not an F-up. I grew up abused and entered an abusive marriage. Lasted almost 20 years with horrible abuse and then 10 more years of abuse after the divorce.

It is not that we want to be abused, but rather we want to be loved. It is just that a lot of times we don't think enough of ourselves to expect the best behavior of others. Abuse is the norm. Plus most abusers are very astute at victim selection.

Please learn to forgive yourself.

Deb

 

[Stormy Eagle]

Thank you Deb...you are right about that. I did want him to love me and was sure that once he saw that I loved him unconditionally, he would change.

I didn't feel like I had many options either...Often I wondered, "what would a normal person have in common with me...what would I have to offer someond normal?"

I am so glad I found a place where people understand.

Anna-Lisa

 

[Abrasky]

Sometimes you get addicted to aspects of of abusive environments when you live in them for so long. I like chaos. It's just one thing that I grew up with that became my comfort zone. I have a quote for you
It reminds me of the quote"You can’t change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future"
Quote source unknown
You are learning. You need to allow for that.

 

[Stormy Eagle]

Maze...thank you for your kind words, and good advice. I guess my learning curve was a little delayed, but I really am learning...finally, I think...hopefully!

A-L

 

[mamachick]

While in the abusive relationship, I also think victims think we are about to turn the corner-if he could just that good job...when his parole is over...if his ex would quit harrassing him.....It is the empathetic woman that makes excuses for his behavior and believes he has had a hard time.

It always escalates, just as you described Stormy, month by month, day by day.
If you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will jump right out, if you but a frog in cool water and turn the burner on high, it will attempt to tolerate the increased temperature until its death.

While I know that it is true that there is an addiction like behavior to abuse and chaos, I think with each act it reinforces worthlessness and low self esteem, which is the already self fulfilling prophecy.
Glad to hear that you recognize your role and are ready for something better in your life. You are very insightful. I dont think you have to worry about having something in common with someone normal, as you pursue your own well being, you will have more in common with healthier people.

 

[Stormy Eagle]

Hi Brat17...you are so right about that...I was always sure we were going to turn that corner, as soon as he found a job, and I became the "perfect" woman...lost weight, became employed, showed him how much I loved him, finally started doing things "right" instead of being so dumb...showed him how much worth I had as a human being. But he did intentionally hammer at the little bit of self esteem I had.

He told me he was the only person who has ever loved or believed in me, and how fat and I was, and made me feel stupid, and like I could never do anything right, constantly. But even after I lost weight he told me I wasn't attractive enough to be loved by anyone else, and pointed out all my flaws... but he did say, that luckily, he loved me and could overlook how saggy and old I looked. Boy I was one lucky girl...lol!

D***, each and every day I am reminded again of how glad I am to be in this place, and not there, trapped in that horrible cycle! Thank you for saying I'm insightful, and that eventually I could have something in common with healthy people, that is new for me.

A-L

 

[mamachick]

Stormy I am so sorry for the abuse that you have endured. You deserve to be with people who love and appreciate you. I was with a controlling man for 2 years. He always made me feel beautiful and said nice things, and did a lot of nice things for me. He fixed things around the house, gave me great massages, and never let me carry heavy stuff. He did not drink and watched like a hawk if I did. The 3 times he drank-he was an idiot. He was also a liar, made up stories, embellished other ones, called off work frequently, and was looking to be a house husband. He was manipulative and controlling in his own way. He had taken over my house, and bitched about one of my kids leaving a fork in the sink. If we had an arguement, he would call my daughter at college and tell her I was crazy etc and tell her not to tell I called, but she needed to be worried about me. He slept with a gun and threatened me with it more than once. He hid my anti depressants because he was afraid for me.

I guess there are many ways to make a person feel like sh**. Anyway, he has been out of my life for well over a year, and it gets better all the time. I had a drunk nut before him for a year. A sociopath for about 2 yrs before, and a 17 yr marriage of total neglect before that. I know nothing is perfect but there must be something between being invisible and abused. Unless I find it, I am happy being single. I am just now re-discovering who I am.

I still do not have many healthy people in my life, but I have also cleared out a lot of unhealthy people. I have discovered that even aside from these me, how many others I had that were looking to blame someone for their feelings and shortcomings. I discovered that I had something in common with them, they blamed me and I blamed me for anything that went wrong. I have many flaws and take ownership, but am not willing to own others stuff. Being alone is easy for now and well needed. I am finally feeling the wounds from being ignored for all those years and have a long way to go before I would be ready for any relationship.

 

[Marie E.]

(((Stormy))) My heart really goes out to you!!!

 

[Stormy Eagle]

Before this last jerk, I had a husband who profitted from me selling my a**, then a crackhead who drained me of everything. For the first time, and in a very big way thanks to you guys, I am starting to discover myself, and enjoy my solitude.

 

[CiaOk]

there is a book called the courage to heal by ellen bass and laura davis, before my own incident I worked for a homeless charity as a support worker and part of our work was understanding that its nothing to do with putting a roof over ones head, many of our clients were from childrens homes some of whom were taken into care because they was being abused only to suffer further abuse at the hands of the staff in the homes, so I read the book and thoroughly recommend it for EVERY single human being, I am sorry you have been through so much and understand how you feel guilty.. we cant change our past and believe me if I can help bring about a more positive future for you Stormy.. I will help in anyway I can.

Its not your fault, please start believing this.

 

[Srain]

We hear what we want to hear from abusers, what we NEED to hear after we have been damaged. When Survivors are raised with certain beliefs about themselves and what they 'know' to be truth and their reality is always put into question, it's not uncommon to draw abusers that do likewise outside the family unit. It's what is familiar.

I know I did it over and over and I did believe I didn't deserve better. I did believe no 'nice guy' would ever be able to HANDLE me because I was damaged goods, I was uncontrollable, there was something inherently wrong with me and they might get hurt, that's what I was always told by the time I was a teenager by my mother, going on into my adulthood. That was my greatest fear- hurting someone innocent. Slowly through therapy I set up boundaries of what was acceptable, not understanding my real problem was PTSD, never quite getting the total picture that you are getting now.

You do deserve better, MUCH better. I came to a point in my life that not only do I don't deserve garbage I deserve NICE and kind and gentle. I finally got that. No hitting, no trying to choke me or cut me, let alone trying to kill me, no lying, no stealing, no drugs, no jail, no drama. It is what I deserve after a lifetime of MEAN and abuse.Someone that actually cares about me and believes in me, loves me. (I'm still trying to wrap my head around that one!)

((((((((((Stormy))))))))))))
Rain